Cheryl Cole And Ashley To Mate In Josef Fritzl’s Old House After Boating Serial Killer Strikes
DID you know that Cheryl Cole is in fear for her life? The Daily Star does. It says on its front page that the woman now back with Chelsea footballer Ashley Cole is in danger:
“CHERYL FEARS FOR HER LIFE”
Like us, you cynics think the Star is about to report on how Chezza is fearful of losing her lifestyle. But you’d be wrong. The Star pushes the envelope of fact and fiction. Laura Neil tells us:
CHERYL COLE has cancelled a holiday with ex-husband Ashley after learning a serial killer is on the loose.
Ashley and Cheryl Cole had planned a sailing trip around the exclusive Hamptons hotspot on America’s Long Island. Ashley Cole, 30, had hoped the break on a luxury yacht would give them a chance to rebuild their broken relationship away from prying eyes.
The killer has a boat?
He even wanted to try for a baby there and then.
The killer has a boat and would sneak up on Chezza and Ash as they mated on the poop deck. He would then slaughter them.
The Coles are faced with stark choices:
a) Vomitous Ashlesy should rut Cheryl while thinking of Aimee Walton – the women who alleges Cole puked mid-coitus. In the act of puking his guts up over the side of the boa, Cole looks up and spot the serial killer approaching.
b) Go on holiday to a place where there are no serial killers. We suggest the Antarctic, Surbiton or Wimbledon’s Centre Court.
c) Not go on holiday.
Paranoid Cheryl discovered there is a murderer roaming free just miles from where they were due to embark. So she immediately pulled the plug on the trip.
Wise woman. Wiser even than Neil and her sub-edoitors who then deliver this paragraph:
His last victim, the headless corpse of a woman, was washed-up on a beach last month a few miles from the holiday home of Sir Paul McCartney, 69.
The killer killed a headless corpse? The pervert.
A friend revealed: “Cheryl found out the whole horrible story while trawling the internet to find out a little bit about the Hamptons and immediately told Ashley to cancel the trip… Ashley is incredibly disappointed as he really felt they needed to be somewhere remote on their own, away from the prying eyes.”
Old Mr Anorak, our patron, has just take over Josef Fritzl’s old place. It’s ready when they are…