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Anorak | Wayne Rooney Cleans The Streets: Manchester United Star Saves England From Rioters

Wayne Rooney Cleans The Streets: Manchester United Star Saves England From Rioters

by | 13th, August 2011

WHO would be the best person to champion honesty and love for they neighbour? Why, mob victim and Manchester United footballer Wayne Rooney of course.

The front page of the Daily Star sees England saved by England’s saviour:

“ROONEY: RECLAIM OUR STREETS.”

Like the Manchester United star, Anorak was also dismayed to notice that not one – not one – looter went for the footballs in JD sports. The country has gone Olympics mad with the sprightly youth grabbing tracksuits and trainers. But while that is encouraging, we must lament that a football no longer carries cachet among the kids (see snooker cues, badminton bats and ping-pong tables).

Also, with so much mayhem on the streets, where is it safe for prostitutes to walk?

Rooney has digested much and now leads the campaign to put things right.

THE Daily Star is today proud to announce the launch of a brand new crusade to Reclaim Our Streets from the thugs and scum.

Hurra

We’ve teamed up with Wayne and Coleen Rooney to help the victims of the riots with a major fighting fund.

Go Team Rooney!

The caring Rooneys have donated a generous £50,000 to start the ball rolling, a sum matched by Daily Star owner Richard Desmond and X Factor sup­remo Simon Cowell.

If England can be saved by a foul-mouthed footballer, a pornographer and a man who tells kids that they can be very rich and very famous we can be great once more!

Says Wayne:

“What happened this week has left behind thousands of innocent victims, people whose businesses and homes have been attacked. We all depend on the shops and small businesses in our communities.”

Says “normal”  Coleen:

“My heart went out to those innocent people whose lives were wrecked by the rioting.”

Mr Desmond said he decided to link up with his friends the Rooneys to set up the crusade to “put the great back into Great Britain and show the world we are big-hearted nation”.

This is the Daily Star that once declared on its front page “Telly King Cowell is dead”, lambasted those Muslim toilets and has produced lots of big-hearted headlines that you and the rest of the world can see on the left (via).

While you await a big piece in Desmond’s OK! on how great and in love Wayne and Coleen, realise that the riots have becomes a PR exercise. The paper says such ‘stars’ as PR guru Max Clifford, 68, who is donating £10,000, Peter Andre, TOWIE’s Amy Childs, Sam Faiers, Joey Essex, Harry Derbidge, OK! TV presenter Jeff Brazier, Chantelle Houghton, and all manner of CAN Associates celebrity fodder are backing the move.

Lets’s make the country great again. And if that mob can’t mange it – who can? Yes, indeed – the nation looks to you Katie Price…

They’re behind you Wayne – and you’re behind them (allegedly):

Helen Wood

Picture 1 of 9

Wood is, reportedly, the other woman who shagged Wayne Rooney in a lesbian threesome with Jennifer Thompson. The Manchester United player got Wood in a package deal, allegedly. NSFW Video: Wayne Rooney’s Jennifer Thompson Sex Tape Helen is 23 and a single mum. Wayne’s own wife, Coleen Rooney, is not a single mum – yet – but she will surely take it a boost to her confidence that her husband might not only shag childless women but someone whose body has been through childbirth.



Posted: 13th, August 2011 | In: Key Posts, Sports Comment | Follow the Comments on our RSS feed: RSS 2.0 | TrackBack | Permalink