Joey Barton’s Dive In Photos: Newcastle United Genius Shocked By Arsenal’s Man’s Gentle Caress
JOEY Barton wants to assure the people of Newcastle that training alone has not dented his ability to be disliked, or as managers put it “get in people’s faces”. Rumours are that he’s been grabbing himself by the throat and contorting his face in rage at himself. He has called himself, allegedly, all manner of revolting names. An expert tell us that he was only days away from stabbing a cigar out on his own eyeball.
In the closed season, Barton has been picking fights on Twitter. But verbal attacks can only go so far and until a social network grabs the nettle of virtual reality thuggery Barton will still need a football pitch and maybe a ball as props.
So. To Newcastle’s opening match of the season against Arsenal, and Barton, perhaps excited at being allowed to get so close to other people, grabs Gervinho by the shirt collar and accused him of not playing fair. Gervinho raises a hand and lightly flicks Barton, who goes down as only man who has not felt the touch of another human being for weeks can.
Experts associate the feeling to the first time a puppy licks a lemon or a spoilt toddler gets told “no” in the supermarket.
We have photos of this moment. And you can see Barton go down in stages. It’s not simulation or cheating, people – it’s just that Joey Barton might not know how to react when another human being touches him. He might have been just as likely to collapse in agony as dry hump Gervinho in ecstasy…