Celebrity Big Brother Review: Day 1, Where Everything Felt The Same
SOME things had changed in the skewed landscape of (Celebrity) Big Brother. First off, there was no Davina. It was also on a different channel, getting shunted sideways from Channel 4 to Five. And other things had changed too like… er… well… nothing.
See, BB came back with Marcus Bentley providing his usual ebullient Geordie narrative, along with that theme tune, that house, that braying crowd of placard holding dimwits and that sneaking suspicion that this show, while briefly exciting in return, has probably had it’s day.
In previous years, Big Brother has always fared well on the opening night. We can all muster up enough interest to see which poor, beleaguered sod wants to put themselves through the wringer, tuning in to hurl obscenities at them or, more appropriately, shriek “WHO ARE YOU?! NO SERIOUSLY! WHO? YOU DON’T EVEN HAVE A WIKIPEDIA PAGE! YOU PLEB!”
Last night was no different. Apart from Davina being replaced by Brian Dowling, everything felt exactly the same. It was like popping on a pair of comfortable old underpants and revelling in how nicely they fit, before realising that there’s a big hole in the arse and there’s a bad sensation of crusty skidders.
And while Brian Dowling performed admirably (seriously – he looked like he’d been doing this for years. His stint on the pickpocketing The Mint has clearly served him well), he was always going to be treading water when faced with those desperate enough to enter the BB house.
Some of these people came as no surprise. Jedward entered along with Kerry Katona and Amy Childs from The Only Way Is Essex. They were always going in weren’t they; posterboys for those with fame, but still no discernible talent or personality. The are things to merely occupy a space and very little else. Tara Reid (from American Pie) also joined, looking more spaced out than one of Tim Leary’s Merry Pranksters, all dead-eyed, hollowed out brains and vacant gob.
They were also joined by some serious no-marks. Included, for our viewing pleasure, was The Wife Of The Speaker At The House Of Commons; A Street Fighting Gypsy Who Can Barely Form Basic Sounds, Let Alone Words; Some Model; Some Kid Called Lucius Thundergunt; Someone Who Has Willingly Had Sex With David Hasselhoff and Darryn Lyons who you’ll know as that leeching, preening prick called Mr Paparazzi.
Most of these people barely deserve names, let alone screentime, but alas, Big Brother has a nasty habit of biting those daft enough to watch the show (hello there) on the arse and turning one of these nobodies into a likeable, spirited human for us to invest in.
Of course, we’ll forget them in a heartbeat and they’ll be banished to some regular segment on This Morning in no time at all.
And so, with the majority of the house inevitably still chirruping away at each other with excitement, Paddy Doherty (he’d be the streetfighting gypsy man – good luck evicting him) already completely invisible to the audience, and Tara Reid displaying all the charisma of a shop window dummy on sedatives, the house finds itself under the crushingly tedious ‘Ooh! Isn’t Big Brother nasty!’ treatment as ‘the twist’ to proceedings is that Kerry Katona has been asked to act like a diva for a challenge.
That’s right. A secret task on the opening night. Big Brother there, exactly where we left it, still jumping through the same hoops and performing the same, tired routines. Of course, it’ll hold some interest for a couple of nights, but really, the overhaul and injection of fresh thinking that some of us hoped for really isn’t there.
Even in the tweaked tag-on show, Big Brother’s Big Something Or Other, which stars Holy Moly’s Jamie East, Emma Willis and some girl called Alice with nice hair, had an air of E4 about it.
Not including the labrodor in a high-vis jacket ejaculating over a studio audience. And no, this hasn’t been invented for the sake of a cheap laugh for the reader. It really happened.
So there we have it. Big Brother’s back. Same as it ever was.