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Rugby World Cup Dances: Kiwi Haka Undone By England Player’s Sob Stories And Nelson Mandela

by | 28th, September 2011

BEFORE the Haka became a menacing throat-slitting war dance (the Kapa O Pango) to be met by the oppositions’ rock-steady gazes, it was a Maypole and bladder on a stick short of being a Morris Dance. The Ka Mate can be matey as this clip shows:

How do you facedown the Haka? Giggling would be easy, but possibly trigger a diplomatic incident. Better, perhaps, if each nation brought their own version of pre-match ritual to the rugby field:

England: Each player steps forward and delivers a sympathetic sob story about a dead granny before singing Flying Without Wings (forwards) or Nellie The Elephant (backs)
Scotland: Run pellmell up the pitch and smash up the goalposts
USA: Form an Iwo Jima-type formation and erect a huge Stars and Stripes flag slap bang in the middle of the pitch while vowing to shoot anyone in the face who dares tamper with Old Glory
Georgia: Erect a human wall on the half-way line and then invite the smallest member to peep through a chink in the burly thighs and shout “Russians!” The wall then collapses and bodies lie immobile for up to ten minutes
South Africa: A speech by someone recounting the day they met Nelson Mandela (slides on the Big Screen optional)
Australia: A Fox Trot
Italy: Retreats to deep behind their own liens before stepping boastfully forward clad in the shits of their opponents
Russia: Crying



Posted: 28th, September 2011 | In: Key Posts, Sports Comment (1) | Follow the Comments on our RSS feed: RSS 2.0 | TrackBack | Permalink