Ashton Kutcher And Demi Moore’s Divorce: Infectious Monkey Sex In The Kabbalah Centre Hot Tub

ASHTON Kutcher’s alleged extra-marital sex with a blonde named Sara Leal – following news of alleged extra-marital sex with a brunette named Brittney Jones – has resulted in rumours that he and Demi Moore are to be divorced.The story is a big news because:

1. Kutcher is alleged to have cheated on the night of his sixth wedding anniversary.

2. Kutcher is alleged to have pulled two women at a club called Fluxx (silent ‘l”).

3. An “onlooker” at Fluxx said Kutcher and two pals cruised the place for women who were “hot-tub worthy”. We are not told any more than that and wonder what hot tub worthy means?

Is it:
a) Women who are less likely to “prune”after long exposure to hot bubbles?
b) Non-incontinent women?
c) Women with no signs of skin contagions, such as cold sores and veruccas?
d) Women with massive breasts which will bob enticingly above the waves?

4. Both are into the kabbalah, and we have yet to see a kabbalah divorce. Will the red string be cut? Do you get two red strings?

5. Kutcher is 33, Moore is 48 and Leal is 23. If the couple part then normal order will be restored. No longer will Kutcher and Moore be the sole examples of the ultimate taboo of man and older woman having mutually successful sex. A man can marry a far younger woman to tabloid fanfare – see Paul McCartney and Nancy Shevell – but Moore being wed to Kutcher is like watching a gibbon mate with the vicar’s leg. It’s just so very wrong.

6. The pair share a Twitter account. Splitting that could lead to a messy divorce, and possibly the birth of a new social network: Twat.

7. He is Ashton Kutcher, the actor who, as rumour has it, auditioned for the part of Robin Hood and got the job of Sherwood Forest. She is Demi Moore, a talented actress, star of blockbusters and an Hollywood A-lister who pulled an A-lister (Bruce Willis).

8. She will be available for sexy times. He will be shagging simpering hicks with plastic smiles.

Kutcher’s Women – alleged (NSFW):