Hugh Fearnley-Whittingstall Wants To Eat Your Puppies
FACE it. TV chefs are scum. They harangue you through your television set to tell you that you’re doing it all wrong. You aren’t growing your own vegetables, despite the fact there’s no allotments in your area and you live in a one-bedroomed flat three stories up. You’re not making things with celeriac, even though it looks like something tested on in Roswell and tastes like hell.
Basically, you are a lousy human-being who should be ashamed of wanting a Big Mac now and then.
And the latest crusade is from Hugh Fearnley-Whittingstall (something of a surprise, no?) who says we should all eat puppies.
Fearnley-Whittingstall told the Radio Times:
“I have no objection to a high-welfare organic puppy farm. You can’t object, unless you also object to the farming of pigs. It’s an artificial construct of our society, a cultural decision, to make pets out of dogs and meat out of pigs.”
“Both animals could be used the other way round – although pigs probably do make better meat than dogs and dogs better pets than pigs. But it’s not a foregone conclusion.”
For once, it’s hard to disagree. We SHOULD eat puppies. We could all have the cutest lunches, ever!
And while Hugh wimps out at the last minute, saying that he would only eat dogs if he “was on the point of starvation”, wouldn’t it be great to see him flash-fry the Andrex puppy? That little jerk deserves it after running off with our toilet roll and such.
Of course, dog-lovers are going mental about it all. A Dogs Trust spokesman said:
“We believe that the concept of breeding dogs for food in any conditions, high welfare or not, is wholly unacceptable. Dogs are companion animals and as man’s best friend they provide immeasurable love, comfort and support to owners all over the world.”
“They have an innate ability to form real bonds with humans and their loyalty is unquestionable.”
‘They also contribute so much to society through their vital roles with our armed forces and the police, and they help people in need such as those who are sight and hearing impaired or otherwise disabled.”
No-one is saying that they shouldn’t work, protect, guide and love us. They should provide us with food as well and, until they learn to cook, we should be able to work them, then eat them.
Stupid, tasty dogs.
Next week: We argue for cannibalism just so we can kill and cook every single television chef, cook and foodie to rid us of this cultural scourge.