Skiiing With The Guardian’s Emma Kennedy And The Spirit Of Max Gogarty
IS EMMA Kennedy, the Guardian’s travel writer, a parody? Or has Max Gogarty a new byline?
Kennedy’s article is called Think skiing’s not your kind of thing?
Know this. In my experience, people who turn their noses up at skiingholidays – which, for those of you still languishing in the dark are the BEST HOLIDAYS IN THE UNIVERSE (and yes, I am including a free go on the Millennium Falcon in that) – are women who are obsessed with handbags, shoes and make-up, and lazy, lazy men.
Oh boo hoo, you have to wrap up in salopettes. Boo hoo, you have to wear ski boots. Boo hoo, you have half your face covered up in goggles. Boo boo boo boo booing hoo.
To you I have one thing to say. Get. Over. Yourself.
Guess what? Your vanity and crushing ennui are denying you the greatest holiday currently available on planet earth. Don’t even BOTHER arguing with me. For I am dropping a truth bomb IN YOUR FACE. Let’s analyse the evidence.
Number one – the location. If you can remove your Prada sunglasses for one nanosecond and look around, you’ll notice that mountains and the terrains therein are stunningly beautiful. The air is laser fresh. You’re so high up that sometimes, when skiing, you’re actually ABOVE THE CLOUDS. It’s like being an aeroplane. But with a vastly more attractive undercarriage.
Number two. It’s the best exercise you’ll ever have. What would you rather do? Three-quarters of an hour of zumba in a Primrose Hill basement? Or a whole day skimming down pistes, traversing mogul fields and schussing across high mountain plains? This isn’t a trick question. The answer is – skiing is skill and anyone who does zumba is a loser. The end.
Number three. It is one of the most sociable holidays imaginable. You can live in a nice chalet with all your pals and laugh together all the week long.
But hang on, you cry, a chalet means scrubbing and maybe scraping. No. It does not. Because the chalet comes with a young woman or man who is always a hoot and who does everything for you bar wipe your arse. The chalet maid will not only cook you all your supper and make sure that there’s a different delicious cake waiting for you at four o’clock every single day, he or she will also sort you out for every single whim you can come up with.
“I want to drive huskies, have a go on a skidoo and eat fondue on a cliff top.” Lo, all these things shall come to pass. (Take note – when you go skiing you can eat as much cake as you can physically stuff into your mouth. Unlike zumba. Where cake is VERBOTEN.)
To conclude – skiing is amazing. You feel free, can convince yourself that you might be able to fly and can eat your bodyweight in melted cheese and STILL lose weight. I’ve never experienced freedom like it.
And those who say otherwise, especially the ones who have never even been, need to be disdained to within an inch of their lives.
Blades on! Lock and load! Snow’s up. Let’s go.
See, bloggers – you can be as good as the pros…
Is it a parody?