Anorak | For sale: Box Canvas Print of Paul Ross (with added priceless comments)

For sale: Box Canvas Print of Paul Ross (with added priceless comments)

by | 22nd, February 2012

Here’s what the smart shoppers are saying:

Mr. M. P. Corner (Heaven) 


I’ve been looking for a 20 Inch Box Canvass of Paul Ross since my (completely inferior) 18 Inch Box Canvass of Paul Ross was damaged during a Barium Enema. Thankfully this Canvass really is excellent. The quality of print complements the sheer majesty of Paul’s cherubic face.

For a while I considered mounting a large number of these on my ceiling to create a Paul Ross canvass ceiling but unfortunately I realised that this is what my wife would be staring at during our frenzied horizontal moments, and what kind of a man can compare to Paul Ross in the bedroom? “No-one” I hear you cry!

I’ve ordered four of these now:
One of them is above the fireplace and is naturally the pride of our entire home.
On the second canvass I’ve cut out the section where Paul’s face is, and when I drive to pick up the kids I wear the canvass and pretend that I’m a famous celebrity dad, the kids simply love it.
The third is purely for recreational purposes, I’ve cut a whole where Paul’s mouth would be because my wife has demanded that we French kiss through the hole (I want to point out that I wear the canvass for kissing, not her! Although I’d gladly turn for just one of Paul’s tender mouth hugs.)
The fourth is a backup.

I. Aisthorpe 
Yesterday I was a bed ridden, drug addled alcoholic with no hope, no future.
Then I bought this.
Now I’m a bed ridden, drug addled alcoholic with no hope, no future, but with a 20″ Canvas of Paul Ross.
You just never know what lies around the corner.
I used to be a very successful insurance salesman at AIG. I had riches beyond belief: Faberge Eggs; Brut Aftershave, also by Faberge; a diamond encrusted Rolex; lime green Lamborghini; monogrammed slippers; a piano shaped toilet that once belonged to Liberace and a 16 ft pyramid of Ferrero Rocher chocolates. Some friends at the country club let me in on this secret that all the old money had canvas printed photos of Paul Ross, so I bought one at auction.

There was something wonderful and majestic about it, some people say the enigmatic smile is a knowing reference to his Merovingian ancestry. It hung for 3 years above the alabaster fireplace in my drawing room, replacing Munch’s Scream, which I borrowed from a friend who was also in the insurance business.But over time there was something unsettling about the picture. At first it sounded like it emitted a high pitched, almost imperceptible, tone, like an old TV set. Then it started whispering things to me. After a while it started telling jokes and then giving me stock tips. Eventually it recommended I invest all my money with a guy called Bernie Madoff.Now I have nothing, I get high by sucking anti-freeze from car windscreen washers, and even had to take public transport. My only possession is this picture of Paul Ross. It is my love, my life. He completes me.

It’s a swindle!
I recently purchased this poster, and while it’s lifelike, well made and had a certain, portly charm to it, I have since found out that it’s actually *cheaper* to hire Paul Ross to come over and stand against a wall, whenever you feel the need to look at him.

It may seem expensive, but I have, after some thought, replaced the family plasma television with this portrait of Paul Ross.

The hours we spend glued to his little face!!! No distracting music or screaming crowds or irritating plot twists. Just Paul, as we know and love him, and us… and (most importantly) our imaginations.

See, kids these days are overstimulated. But with our ‘Flat Screen Paul Ross’ their minds are engaged in a fascinating saga of ‘What Paul did next’ .. honestly they are glued to it! Admittedly Holly has trouble sleeping, but Im confident that things will settle down.

We put a towel over it at night.

And when we have visitors. He’s just TOO distracting 🙂

I’d advise anyone thinking of purchasing this to wait. This model has been around for a few years now, and frankly, 20″ is looking rather small these days. I wouldn’t be surprised if a 24 or even 26″ HD model is around the corner for the same price or even less, and when that happens this one will be heavily discounted. I was caught out like this when I bought a 19″ Danny Dyer box canvas print a few years ago.

Other than that, my only criticism is that it is lacking in features. An extra nose or a third eye, for example, would be very nice.

shiny, happy people holding Paul,
warmth to the cold
effortlessly cool,
like a Thermos of love.

eyes like question marks,
fearlessly probing
keeping me safe,
i return to you.

there’s no-one like you,
except for your brother
wonderland, paul in hand
canvassing my heart.

When I asked a loved one recently what they would like for their Birthday I was slightly taken aback by the immediacy and venom with which they replied ‘A canvas print of Paul Ross, and by god it better be no smaller or larger than 20 inches’.
I felt panic rising inside me, I’d already left it a little too late to find anything at all, nevermind something so

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Posted: 22nd, February 2012 | In: Celebrities, Key Posts Comments (4) | Follow the Comments on our RSS feed: RSS 2.0 | TrackBack | Permalink

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