Farting man faces ban from County Durham men’s club
THEY are threatening to ban Dave Marriott, 49, from the Grange Villa Workmen’s Social Club, County Durham for flatulence. Not because he’s a prude and against blowing off. It’s because he’s too good at it. As he says:
“I’m not a scruffy man, I’m just afflicted with wind. I only drink two days a week, on a Saturday and Sunday. But if I drink too much on an afternoon then I’m flatulent on an evening and it can be really bad.
“I was brought up in front of the club’s board, which included a couple of my friends, because a few people had been complaining. In fairness it’s not just me, but I’m probably the worst. In the past I’ve actually been awarded pints for clearing a bar at closing time, when the landlord wanted everyone to leave. But I’m not proud of myself and now I’ve received a reprimand and a final warning. If I carry on letting off then I’ll be out.”
You wonder how the landlord got everyone to leave, and what part if any Mr Marriott had in evacuating the room?
“There’s quite a bit of flatulence down the club and they seem to be cracking down – perhaps it’s because women are now allowed in the bar.
“I’ve tried changing from Guinness to lager but it’s made no difference… I could see one or two of the committee sniggering as they told me I had to stop.”
Sniggering… Like a schoolboy who has let off a silent yet violent emission? Mr Marriott should go to that level. When asked who farted, he should reply, “Smelt it, dealt it.”
And then get the sherries in, stick a brass band LP on the juke box and whip out a kazoo…