Sam Faiers’ guide to having sex in Essex
SAM Faiers, pneumatic, varnished star of The Only Way Is Essex tells us via the Sun’s front page that sex with her former co-star Mark Wright is “forgettable“. She tells us about the forgettable sex in her new book How To Be Famous for Having Brief Encounters With Co-Stars And Hang About A Sticky Provincial Nightclub Waiting To Be Papped. The shorter titles is Living Life The Essex Way. The book will do for Essex with HG Bates did for Kent, Peter Mayle did for Provence and Enola Gay did for Hiroshima.
It turns out that Living the Essex way is not all getting the Central Line to Liverpool Street station, digging shallow graves in Epping Forest, weekend’s in Basildon and catching craps from a Southend FC reserve in Saffron Walden. Faiers, whose satsuma skin tones clash hideously with the Sun’s bright red masthead (one of them has to yield to oncoming traffic), tells us that aside from shagging Wright she has also shagged Joey Essex.
The sensation keep coming fat and vajazzled with starry rhinestone of facts as Faiers reveals that she also shagged a Frazer Parrish and a Marc Palmer. She claims Palmer cheated on her with Jodie Marsh, so proving that life in Essex resembles a Petri Dish with the neon-coated amoeba negotiating diamante genitals and the advancement of all human life beyond the North Sea, the Thames and the M25 mountain range as they attempt to mate in time for a New! magazine exclusive…