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Anorak | The dire England Supporters Band refuse to die – true England fans will tunnel to victory

The dire England Supporters Band refuse to die – true England fans will tunnel to victory

by | 14th, June 2012

ONE song. They’ve only got one song. They’ve only got one song….. The hideous England Supporters Band are back! Having been banned form taking their weapons of music destruction into the Donbass Arena for England’s Euro 2012 against France, the England Supporters Band can play them at the Sweden match.

Dear England fans at the match. Will you please puncture a hole in the drum and shove your novely hat into the trombone. Will you please take up the vuvuzela with relish. And the FA, can you send free tickets to Dappy from N-Dubz and lend him a massive 10ft-high sound system and decks. Anything is better than the ESB. Bring back Acker Bilk (pictured). Is Sir Cliff Richard free?

Do anything to drown out the horrible sound of the England Supporter’s Band, whose dirge-like rendition of The Great Escape will make tunnellers of us all, as a national dives beneath the cushions and next door’s raised beds. You can’t hear them horro down there. Dig For Victory and the Great British Escape.

Band member John Hemmingham tells media:

“It’s the best news possible. We were gutted to have driven 2,800 miles only to have our instruments confiscated. Our sponsors (Pukka Pies) gave us the good news this morning and we are delighted to have the chance to create the best possible atmosphere for England fans in Kiev.”

John. JOHN! Football fans make up their own chants. They do not need direction. Yes, we know the PA announcer at Wembley Stadium screams his head off, employing the legion of new fans to put down their crisps, wipe their hands on their rugger tops and and “make some noise”, but below the yelling are the murmurings of football fans beseeching the crowd controller to “shut the f*** up”.

The ESB will never create a tune as wonderful as Let’s All ‘Ave A Disco (Italia ’90); Grab A Stella Nelson Mandela (South Africa 2010); You Couldn’t Score With Ulrika (Germany 2006) or You’re Sh*t – But Your Birds Are Fit (Euro 2012). They offer nothing. They only take.

Hemmingham adds:

“It’s going to be a very unusual situation with Swedish fans outnumbering England supporters by four to one. So we will be doing our best to help our fans generate more than the Swedes.”

Yeah, but their one fan is Bjorn from Abba. He’s gonna thrash you.

Altogether now:  Friday night and the lights are low…



Posted: 14th, June 2012 | In: Sports Comment | Follow the Comments on our RSS feed: RSS 2.0 | TrackBack | Permalink