Fat people offered chance to be burned to death or drowned
THE Times reports that if all the fat of the world submitted to liposuction the harvested fat would “fill a lake the size of Derwent Water”. Burning the fat would produce the same power as a nuclear power station for 20 years. Know that North Americans make up just 6 per cent of the world’s population, but boast a third of humanity’s fat reserves.
So, fatty, what’s it to be, drowning or burning? Come on, the skinny are waiting for an answer?
Of course, if you all fatsos jump and down at once, the Earth will tilt from its current axis. Anyone with a BMI of less than 25 will be unable to prevent themselves falling off into the world into the great abyss. With the skinny gone, the world will then revert to being a far happier place with 78% less bloodthirsty despots – Adolf Hitler (BMI 20.2), Tony Blair (20.9), Pol Pot (16.1) and Bashar al-Assad (20.4) – 82% less TV programmes featuring Davina McCall, and 100% guilt-free bingeing on delicious fatty foods, leading to the death of the therapy industries.
On the upshot, Derwent Water is now an official measure of stuff. Just as things are as always the size of so many football pitches, and as high as a double decker bus, stomachs are no longer measured in inches but in terms of Derwent Water.