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Anorak | The Tom Cruise Katie Holmes Love Story – in pictures from Xenu with love

The Tom Cruise Katie Holmes Love Story – in pictures from Xenu with love

by | 1st, July 2012

SO. Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes are to divorce. When we saw Tom Cruise bounce around on the Oprah Winfrey show as he enthused wildly about his young lover, the actress Katie Holmes, we thought that very soon she’’d be pregnant or in intensive care. Eight weeks after their first date, he took her to the Eiffel Tower and proposed.

A marriage ensued.

In Odescalchi Castle, Italy, the best man, Scientology headboy David Miscavige oozed:

“While through the ages many a tale has immortalised eternal love – most especially Rome and Juliet – this one is truly unique…If there was no tale of greater woe than Juliet to her Romeo, there is no greater joy than the tale of Tom and Kate today. And yes, it too is forever.”

The couple agreed to “keep each other content, though life can be filled with fret and pain”. The Scientology Minister warned Katie that “life is stark and often somewhat grim.” Tom then gave her a white gold Cartier diamond ring and a pre-nup to sign.

Suri – she who must be obeyed

Then to the silent miracle of the baby. Katie was with child. Outside the couple’s home, a sign decalred: ““Maintain silence in the presence of birth to save both the sanity of the mother and child.”” The Scientology way decreed that failure to do so would inflict “psychic” damage on the child which can only be addressed through years of therapy. While mothers looked at their Asbo-laden brood and wondered how different things could have been had they not screeched “”Drugs! Give me drugs”” at the moment of truth, we spotted another board. It read: ““Be silent and make all physical movement slow and understandable.”” Holmes tried not to spasm, thrash about or race around the room begging: ““Get it out! Get it out!””

John Travolta, who like fellow believer Cruise and Scientology founder L. Ron Hubbard is a man told us: ““In Dianetics you try and keep the delivery room quiet so there’s nothing recorded in the child’s mind that shouldn’’t be there while there’s pain going on.”” Although Katie was allowed to take hold of Cruise’’s hands, albeit in slow motion, and make her feelings manifest by squeezing hard. Indeed, until Holmes was told via a cue card not to, she was allowed to bite down on something soft, like Cruise fingers. Cruise, faithfully, remained utterly silent, lest he be driven mad and forced into therapy.

As Katie chomped down on the “personalised pacifier to keep her quiet, the baby emerged. The word welcomed 7lb 7oz and 20-inches of Suri. The name means Princess in Hebrew and “pickpocket” in Japanese. It means “pointy nose” in Indian, which should not be confused with pointy head.

Tom then declared: ““I’m gonna eat the placenta. I thought that would be good. Very nutritious. I’m gonna eat the cord and the placenta right there.””

Not since Quasimodo took his hump to Hollywood had a bump caused so much wonder, horror and revulsion.

The rest is now, alas, history…

 

Illustrations by the execellent 14 – buy her art here.



Posted: 1st, July 2012 | In: Celebrities Comment | Follow the Comments on our RSS feed: RSS 2.0 | TrackBack | Permalink