The greatest moment ever – what’s yours?
BEFORE we bring you “OH MY GOD. I JUST WITNESSED THE SINGLE GREATEST MOMENT IN HUMAN HISTORY”, a personal recollection of a trip down the Jubilee Line on the London Underground. The train stopped for too long at Willesden Green station. Two knobs sat on the platform’s seats by an open door began to point and laugh at fellow passengers. The lads swore loudly, offered insults aplenty and discussed how they might rush the carriage and batter us all. This went on for minutes. Then it happened. A man a few seats to my right had been reading. He put down his book. Put down his reading glasses. Stepped from the train. And before the lads could finish their address – “Look at this cun…” – had smacked them both in their heads. Hard. He then stepped back onto the carriage. The doors shut and we headed off.
Now read this:
On a bus, heading home from the city I am greeted by an incredibly nice Russian-sounding bus driver with a smile on his face. Abouts 4 stops later (in the valley, of course) a bogan hops on with his skanky (I assume) girlfriend. (May have been sister. May have been both.) Naturally, he does not have the money for a bus, so of course The Bogan (Henceforth referred to as Shit-Skull) blames the bus driver. Using all manner of racial slurs, loud profanities and general offensive douchbagery, Shit-Skull proceeds to be a asshole and make the entire bus shuffle uncomfortably in their seats.
All except one man.
Ah, this man. I wish I could BE this man, this average looking hero that stepped up to defend the poor bus driver.
“Look mate, he’s just doing his job. How’s about you calm down and leave the driver alone. It’s no t his fault you can’t pay.” The logic of the situation made a slight whistling noise as it passed over Shit-Skull’s head. We could see the Tonka Truck gears clunk and grind in this mans underdeveloped cranium. Calm…down? It must be a challenge!
“Are you try’na start me c**t? You wanna go me you f**king c**t? You wanna f**ing go me?” Ah, truly the words of a poet. But not even Oscar Wilde himself could have predict the Batman-esque reaction of:
“Yeah, actually. Let’s do this. Off the bus.”
You could hear a penny drop as the 256mb brain inside Shit-Skull’s shitty little skull ticked over. Finally, the judging eyes of the bus coupled with the high-pitched, slurring voice of his sister-daughter telling him to “take him” and (quoting directly) “don’t take none that shit babe” convince them both to step off the bus ready to fight.
Calmer than a monk on morphine, our hero turns to the bus driver, simply says “shut the door mate”, AND WALKS BACK TO HIS MOTHERFUCKING SEAT. The bus driver shut the door, drove away, and the entire bus ERUPTED. We were clapping, we were cheering, I gave Shit-Skull the finger out the window and I’m pretty sure people hugged.
Tl;dr: Thank you stranger, for making humans okay in my book.
Sometimes we win…