Robert Pattinson gets ice-cream from Jon Stewart over K-Stew break-up
DESPITE being a man so outrageously dull to the point where death itself will probably overlook him, Robert Pattinson is feeling the first stirrings of feeling. After years of being a veritable clump of human flotsam, he’s trying to produce some tears and emotion.
It really is beautiful to watch.
And this, of course, is all because his ex, Kristen Stewart allowed a married, older man to insert his penis into her. Kristen and The Other Man issued public apologies and millions of Twilight fans moistened with a bizarre mix of lust and pity for Pattz.
And so, tottering on his hind legs into the light, Pattinson found himself on The Daily Show to talk about his newly found feelings. The first question from Jon Stewart?
“What have you been up to?”
Then, The Daily Show host handed him a tub of Ben & Jerry’s ice cream, saying “We’re just a couple of gals talking”, before adding: “The last time I had a bad break-up, Ben & Jerry’s got me through the tough times, so I thought you and I could talk about things?”
Then, remarkably, Pattinson found a semblance of humour, noting that he should have hired a publicist, since most actors never approach an awkward interview without scripting some answers, before Stewart leapt in coo in a lady’s voice: “Boy, you are better off without… so kick her to the curb!”
Then, the heavens erupted, splitting into two with all the heavens orbs hanging fierily in the sky, all trumpeted by a modern day miracle. Pattinson giggled.
And because Jon Stewart is clearly a good bloke, he rounded things off with: “That was me at 17 through to 38. When you are young and you break-up, it feels like the world is ending but this is the first time I have actually seen the world react that way… so here is my wish for you, that you get to handle your business in your personal life and I wish you all the best.”
What’s horrible about this story is that now, thanks to Pattinson’s newly found emotions, there’s a human element to all stories surrounding the Twilight pin-up. All jokes are now off. He’s tender, he’s frail, he’s trying his best and OH GOD HE’S SO DREAMY!