Brilliant drunk idiot tries to ride a crocodile (with unsurprising consequences)
SOMETIMES, drunks are a gift that keep giving. Most of the time, they chat nonsense and puke up on their fried chicken, but sometime, they’re worth their weight in wobbling gold.
Take the drunkard in Australia who just about survived his little escapade when he tried to ride a crocodile.
The glorious, near-heroically stupid Michael Newman was kicked out of a pub in Broome for being too pissed, so he did what any normal person would do, and climbed a massive fence that enclosed an 800kg saltwater crocodile, before trying to ride it.
Ride it home, we hope.
Reports say that Fatso the Crocodile (it just gets better this story, doesn’t it?) proceeded to get irritated with an arseholed Aussie on his back, and started biting his drunken legs, tearing chunks of flesh away. Magnificently injured, Newman then tottered back to the pub.
The manager, Mark Phillips, described seeing him with his leg all hanging off: “They said he had chunks out of his legs and things like that.”
Malcolm Douglas, the park’s owner, said that the crocodile was capable of much worse: “If it had been warmer and Fatso was more alert, we would have been dealing with a fatality.”
Saltwater crocodiles are 7 metres long and weigh more than a tonne, but alas, nothing matches the resplendent beauty of a drunk man being attacked by one. We applaud all concerned in this story, especially Fatso the Crocodile.