The name’s Gaffney… Dean Gaffney… licence to be an idiot spy
THE first rule about Spy Club is keeping your big, stupid mouth shut. However, have a particularly large and imbecilic gob, Dean Gaffney (pictured) missed the memo and has been telling everyone that he’s applied for a job at MI5.
Apparently, the thundering dimwit responded to an online advert for a Mobile Surveillance Officer with the secret service.
Without a trace of irony, he said: “I’ve got an enquiring mind, so I thought I’d give it a go. I love spy films and the whole James Bond thing. MI5 put out an advert looking for people and I thought, ‘How hard can it be?’ Most spies spend their lives pretending to be people who they’re not. I do that for a living.”
How about getting your fingernails pulled out by double agents? How about getting poked with a poison tipped umbrella that gives you plutonium poisoning?
The MI5 job advertisement read: “Join us as a Mobile Surveillance Officer at MI5 and help keep people across the UK safe. A valued member of a diverse team, you’ll follow subjects of national security investigations by foot and by car. Your observation skills, quick thinking and ability to fit into your environment means you’ll be able to make a big contribution.”
Funnily enough, Dean Gaffney hasn’t heard back from his application.
PS – Gaffney’s application form is the Sun’s front-page news. That paper had lost the plot. It used to good.
PPS – There’s a new TV show in this: Dean Gaffney Applies Himself, featuring the EastEnders bin man filling in forms for all manner of cay-zee jobs for which he is pathetically unsuited.