Bad toys – 14 more terrible toys
MORE Bad Toys for Christmas
After a hearty snack of turkey sandwiches, crisps and Coca-Cola, the small persons of the house can take turns on this revolving Sit’n’Spin stool until, one by one, they have redecorated the living room with brightly coloured seasonal vomit.
Mummy and Daddy will just love to hear you play with this darling doll every day until New Year, when she will mysteriously find herself in the dustbin, buried under three feet of wrapping paper and sellotape….
Fed up with your toddler hurling your iPhone against the wall? Simply insert it into TheO ball, which will bounce around breaking everything else in the house while leaving your precious mobile intact.
Alternatively, you could go route one with these Smash Fists, which will allow junior to “be incredible like The Hulk” by “smashing everything that gets in your way!”
Or issue him with this Police Electric Baton Shock Tricky Toy, which administers a “strong but harmless shock” to “annoying people”. The makers insist that it’s an “adult shock toy, not for children or elders” – but really, who are they trying to kid?
Hmm, maybe a more cerebral pastime is in order. Not Aqua Dots, though. Spray water on the dots and they will “bond” and form pretty patterns. Whatever you do, don’t eat them though, because when swallowed the chemical coating on the beads will then convert into gamma hydroxy butyrate – better known as the “date rape drug” – which can induce seizures, unconsciousness, coma and death.
And Kaba Kick might not be the best idea either. Russian Roulette for children, only instead of a bullet, a pair of feet kick come out of the barrel. From Japan, in case you hadn’t guessed.
Barbie has been much maligned for her airhead image, but not on this occasion. Here she shows that she is quite prepared to “muck in” and poop scoop after her dog.
Amazingly, Tanner the dog proved successful enough to encourage Mattel to introduce a pissing puppy to the Barbie household.
But Barbie missed a trick. This pooch “poops” GLITTER. How cool is that?
Barbie could never be accused of being a Ball Buster – unlike this family. However bad the actual game, this ad makes it all worthwhile.
Here’s another fun game. You thought nothing could be better than thumb wrestling, right? WRONG! Get ready to blow your mind – and break your thumbs – with Pro Thumb Wrestling!
All that wrestling must have given you a thirst, so what better than a refreshing drink from a Buzz Lightyear beaker…
Oh, hang on…
That’s is a strange old place to put a straw isn’t it?
Although not as strange as this action figure of The Punisher, whose “Power Pistol” emerges from either his groin or his rectum. The choice is yours.
But if there’s one thing worse than a terrible toy, then it’s not having a toy at all. Which was the novel idea behind the Star Wars Early Bird Certificate Package.
In 1977, no one knew that Star Wars would become a byword for merchandise. In fact, no one even expected the film to be a hit at all. When it became obvious how popular it had become, there was no set of action figures to sell at Christmas. So they sold this empty package, with certificates promising toys when they finally got around to making them. Or, as the catalogue put it:
A UNIQUE CHRISTMAS CERTIFICATE PACKAGE
An opportunity to profit from pre-Christmas sales of the first action figures modeled after the stars of the smash hit movie, STAR WARS. The special display envelope package contains: colorful STAR WARS picture display stand; Early Bird Certificate which is a postage paid order card good for four authentically detailed action figures modeled after the stars of STAR WARS; special STAR WARS club membership card and full color STAR WARS stickers. The certificate package is designed to be sold prior to December 31, 1977. Ages 4 and up.
An empty package on December 25? When it comes to crap Christmases, you can’t beat that.