Go-ahead Iran invents machine to decapitate fingers and fires monkeys at Israel
EARLIER this week Iran shot a monkey into space. It is feared that very soon Iran will firing monkeys at Israel. Anorak’s security expert tells us that at the current rate of technological progress, the next forty years should see Iran: discover Pot Noodle; build a computer smaller than a bedroom; have hands free dialling; syndicate Deal or No Deal; and learn that taking two bottles into the shower is not always necessary. For now, though, Iran is rejoicing that a monkey has made it into the great known, an event that follows the news that the country has invented a machine for amputating the fingers of thieves.
Iran’s ISNA news service has released images of three hooded officials holding a man’s hand in a vice as another turns a blade attached to what appears to be 1962 Signer sewing machine.
The man is labelled as convicted thief and adulterer. Has had been sentenced to losing three fingers, three years in prison and 99 whip lashes.
The whip is said to a state-of-the-art whip fashioned from blend of the cow hide the go-ahead Iranians have nicknamed “leather”.
Says one stargazer: “ET go home? Nah! He can’t get his finger in the grooves to dial the numbers. But experts in Tehran are working on what they call “touch tone” phones. You heard it hear first, Mahmoud…