Idiots vote for cat’s inclusion in Monopoly
YOU can make a good judgement on a human by viewing which piece they decide to play with in Monopoly. Basically, the rule is this: If they choose the dog, they’re an idiot.
This may seem harsh, but think about it. The car has a lovely art-deco quality and implies speed and fun, while the boot is reminiscent of a cartoon hobo’s boot, implying a wistful, rambling freedom. The top hat is a satisfying piece to hold and has a Lord Snooty quality, and anyone who doesn’t like the Beano should be slapped senseless. The ship is also filled with romance and a promise of adventure and maybe decadent dinner parties on deck, before the vessel perishes at the whim of an iceberg.
The dog, meanwhile, represents nauseating sentimentality, obedience and a love of things that you can blame a fart on.
However, it gets worse. Monopoly makers, Hasbro, have decided to shake things up and have a vote, introducing a number of new pieces – the most important being a robot, a helicopter and a cat.
Opening up the vote to the general public (a mistake), 250,000 voted on the popularity of pieces. Irritatingly, 31% of the total vote saw the introduction of a stupid cat. Not an exciting robot. Not a thrilling chopper. Not even the plaintive, roving guitar.
A stupid cat.
This was clearly voted in by the awful arseholes who take endless photographs of their tedious felines and share them with other infuriating cat-lovers on Instagram, assured that their cat is in any way different from all the other dreadful moggies that clutter up the internet.
Sadly, the iron was dumped off the grid thanks to these meme-loving shitboxes. The iron, a cool miniature recreation of an old iron. An iron that, should you have a scaled down stove, would actually function as an iron, perhaps to get the creases out of a pixie’s clothes. Not like a cold-eyed, motionless metal cat. A cat that should be kicked out of the door and into the nearest canal.
Eric Nyman, senior vice-president and global brand leader for Hasbro Gaming, said: “We know that cat lovers around the world will be happy to welcome the new cat token into the Monopoly game. While we’re a bit sad to see the iron go, the cat token is a fantastic choice by the fans and we have no doubt it will become just as iconic as the original tokens.”
This is dreadful news. Just awful. These sentimental git-hampers have introduced a cutesy piece to a game about greed and commerce and it won’t do. Fine, lose the iron, but anyone who prefers cats to robots should be taken to the nearest public square and flogged. Flogged with a bag of live cats.
No, YOU’RE overreacting.