Irfan Naseer, Irfan Khalid and Ashik Ali walks into a car: the best jokes from the Brummie bomb squad
IRFAN Naseer, 31, Irfan Khalid, 27 and Ashik Ali, 27, are guilty of being al-Qaeda-trained leading lights of terror cell that wanted to bring death and mayhem to Britain. At Woolwich Crown Court, the three, all from Sparkhill, Birmingham, were convicted of 12 charges of preparing acts of terrorism.
They’d kill British solders, women dressed in the wrong trousers, children and pets. They would strike with backpacks full of bombs and nails, machinegun Jews at prayer in synagogues and smear poison on doorhandles to murder non-glove wearers. They’d read al-Qaeda magazine Inspire, wherein they learnt how to fit blades ont a truck and drive it into a crowd of female charity workers.
How would they pay for all the hardware?
Rahin Ahmed, another member of the cell, knew he could make a mint trading online currency. He lost £9,0000 An error occurred while he was making a cup of tea and not watching his screens. Ahmed has already pleaded guilty to fund-raising for terrorism.
They bought urea rather than ammonium nitrate for their bombs. They logged into eBay with the e-mail address “email@example.com”. Their username was“terrorshop”.
It’s all so utterly ridiculous, priapic and sad that it has the makings of a comedy. Anas Zein Al-Abdeen went to school with Irfan Naseer. He said his pal, nicknamed “Chubby”, was the school joker. But he doesn’t get all the best lines. In police tape of the gang, Khalid was recorded saying: “We are doing it in the land of the Shaytan [Devil], in the whale’s belly, is going to shake them all.”
“It’s the four suicide bombers, driving around ready to take on England.”
In one clip Chubby and his pals aim for revenge on Pandora and the other girls who never fancied them:
“Why shouldn’t we terrorise them . . . slags everyhere and these whores . . . having sex like donkeys on the street . . . it’s Allah’s Earth.”
Other moments of dark humour:
Naseer: “This was a funny day yeah, what happened, is this happens, is an Arab teacher, there’s one Pakistani guy, AQ guy…We were just about to, about to set it off [test an explosive] innit and the drones come on top of us. [Makes noise like a drone]. Everyone looked at each other. They go… you know what, split yeah. So… they go lay underneath the tree and its about 45 degrees celsius, yeah. They made us lie underneath the tree for four and a half hours without moving bro. Underneath the tree, the drone can’t detect you, innit. So I’m lying underneath the tree innit, and the drones are right about me bro, and its going [makes a drone sound] and I’m thinking any minute it’s going to fire a missile.”
Khalid: “I just went to sleep. It’s a nasty situation to be in, man.”
Khalid: “Is there any graveyards apart from Handsworth round here? For Muslims?”
Ali: “Not hardly enough.”
Naseer: “Why? You wanna go there?”
Khalid: “Nah, I’m just thinking… most likely it’ll be Handsworth, if there’s a body left. The erm… [Laughter]. It’s funny innit?”
Naseer: “One thing, one thing, remember, once that once you done, it doesn’t matter where you get buried innit.”
The gang made suicide videos. A new member asks them what voice they used in the recording.
Naseer: “I was not shouting.”
Khalid: “But I was a bit harsh.”
Naseer: “Don’t worry about me, I’m alive. Martyrs are alive, yeah.”
NAseer: “Taxed till June innit Ashik?”
Ali: “Yeah, no.”
Naseer: “Did you check it?”
Ali: “MOT is still aah, July, June, July.”
Khalid: “Yeah we’re dead by then… we’re probably out of here by next June, brother.”
The gang now have plenty of time to work on their scripts.
Image: Court artist’s impression of (from the left) Irfan Nasser, Rahim Ahmed, Irfan Khalid and Ashik Ali appearing in the dock at West London Magistrates, where they were remanded in custody over an alleged UK suicide bombing plot.