Soft Paris lingerie aims to destroy British feminism and crap on your lawn
SOFT Paris is a French knickers and undies company (that’s lingerie – ed) aiming to teach the clueless, potato-sack-clad British woman how to dress for sex. To promote the brand, the company has issued its 10 steps to seduction. Most British men would be happy with availability and warmth. But we can all be more. Says Soft Paris:
Why do English women hunch over, either shuffling or stomping? This is not seductive. Take the time to look around you, proudly, chin up/shoulders back, walking with one foot almost in front of the other, to undulate your hips provocatively.
In short: wear a heavy backpack at all times.
But the best bit is this one:
Don’t be a slobbery, noisy, bounding English bulldog. Imagine you’re an elegant cat – light, agile, graceful, quiet. Seduction is about understanding the effects of your movements and using them to your advantage.
Be like a cat. Shit on your neighbours lawn, murder small animals and yak up your hair. French men go mad for it. (See Pepe Le Pew.)
Other top tips to destroy feminism, include:
Let a man dress you.
If it works it for the Taliban.
“Don’t hold your glass of wine as if it’s a pint of beer, French women lightly hold the top of the glass stem. Know how to handle all objects well.”
(Pints of wine might avoid social disgrace.)
“Snap the elastic on the top of your thighs.”
(And what your thighs ripple like the tide coming in on a Cannes beach.)
Wear scented and edible crème so your entire body is lickable. He’ll want to make you dessert.
Every night’s a puke-inducing Stag night with Soft Parisiens. Now, gerrum off…