A man responds to a PR: dear Kacey-Lee…
EACH week, Anorak fields hundreds of PR missives. Most are banal. On Spin Alley, Grey Cardigan replies to one gormless message:
THE CURSE of the over-familiar press release continues unabated. “Hi Grey,” an X Factor reject and probably unpaid intern called Kacey-Lee gushes. “I do hope you and your family had a wonderful Bank Holiday weekend and managed to get out and enjoy yourself in the lovely sunshine. Did you have a barbecue? I just wanted to get in touch regarding a revolutionary new range of homeopathic cures for irritable bowel syndrome…”
Brilliant stuff. And it gets a reply:
“Dear Kacey-Lee. Thank you for your interest in the well-being of myself and my family. Unfortunately I couldn’t get out in the sun to enjoy myself because I am twice-divorced and therefore don’t have enough money to even pay for a Mr Whippy. As for a barbecue, a Lidl sausage toasted over a blow-lamp is about my limit. My children won’t talk to me, my latest ex-wife is shagging an investment banker while still shafting me for every penny she can get, and I can’t go out in the sun because I have red hair and turn bright crimson if I even walk past a microwave oven. Anyway, it was rainy and foggy up here, somewhere north of Kensington, so there was no sun anyway. Oh, and my dog died, which somewhat took the gloss off the weekend…”
He didn’t send the email.
The poor girl is only banging out another email so she can tick a box on the call sheet just in case the client asks to see some evidence of activity. Anyway, none of the above is true. Well, the bit about red hair isn’t, anyway. And the dog.
Maybe PRs could be hired out as emotional punchbags? I might write to one:
“Hiya! The sun is shining and you’re stuck in the office! Why not put on your new [insert brand] shoes and suncream [brand] and pop down to Anorak Towers and shout at someone in the marketing department?! Best abuse gets a free [brand] muffin and [brand] deodorant!”