Sarah Vine settles into her Daily Mail role by mocking women and taking about her kidzzzzzzzzzzzzz
SARAH Vine, aka Mrs Michael Gove, has a new column in the Daily Mail. Can she go on attack mode and bait those trolls? Having tried to turn the Times into a breast-free version of the women-hating Mail, can Vine get stuck into her new job?
Vine begins by wading in on Pippa Middleton, who has had the temerity to have lent her name to a book.
I grew up thinking that female writers were heroines to be admired. From Dorothy Parker to Jane Austen, they proved that a woman with a pen was the equal of any man. Now, as the book publishing industry sinks ever further into a quagmire entirely of its own making, it’s an opinion I am being forced to revise. For the women writers who seem to command most influence these days have about as much substance as a souffle. First, Pippa Middleton with her seemingly endless arsenal of idiotic tips and now Alexa ‘your-hair-looks-nice-if-you-wash-it’ Chung, model, TV presenter and professional thin-girl-about-town, whose new ‘book’, It, has seemingly got the fashion world all aflutter.
You won’t be surprised to hear that it consists chiefly of pictures of Chung in various states of undress, alongside really profound statements such as: ‘I used to get nail art done all the time, but I haven’t done for a while now.’
How on earth can I hope to convince my daughter of the merits of great writing when this is all it takes to score a hit?
So. How does writer Vine inspire daughters to realise the merits of great writing? By knocking other women and portraying them as vapid:
Vine says pretty women are failures and disappoint men:
Marianne Faithfull ’s confession this week that she had to dose herself up with drink and drugs to have sex will have come as a huge shock to the countless men who adored her… But she had another disadvantage, too: her beauty. Great beauty, it is generally assumed, is a great blessing. In reality, it is almost always a terrible burden.
Vine says fat women are also failures and inferior to men:
There’s a very simple explanation for Colin Firth’s weight loss: like most men, he’s good at diets.
But at least she knows, like all Mail writers, that her job is to be hated:
The Ocado order, for example. Normally this is my sole and exclusive domain.
During the holidays, however, my son and husband suddenly developed an interest. Our house was, they claimed, woefully lacking in Doritos, Coca-Cola and Dairylea Dunkers.
And so one afternoon, while I was out, they seized their chance. The following day, I opened the front door to a tide of contraband comestibles. Giant multi-packs of crisps; fizzy drinks; luxury coleslaw; an insane amount of sugary cereal.
It was as if my account had been hacked by a teenager high on Haribos.
The fridge was stuffed with repulsive over-packaged processed junk. Meanwhile, the quinoa and chia seeds cowered in the cupboard behind a family pack of value custard creams.
Dorothy Parker is away.