Prince George To Find Out Just How Peculiar Human Beings Are
HE might be only 3 months old, but shitting hell, Prince George is on a steep learning curve to find out how bizarre the human race is.
Today, third in line to a chair, he found himself being dipped in some water while someone said something about Jesus. Not just any water though. This water came all the way from the River Jordan, presumably purified to the point of Evian.
He was dragged to a huge building where there’s also a load of rotting corpses by a man who sometimes wears bejeweled dressing gowns, massive pointy hats and asks for advice from talking clouds.
The poor little sod.
Not only does little George have to deal with all that, but someone called gordon Summer, Chief Engraver for the Royal Mint, made a coin so special and commemorative, that no-one will actually ever spend it, thereby making it the most pointless money in the whole wide world.
On top of all that, George found himself going through tall this while dressed in a lace frock, which was a copy of a skirt that was worn by Queen Victoria’s eldest daughter, first used in 1841. They could’ve bought him something nice and new, but that’s not the world George resides in. He lives in a world of peculiar humans with even more peculiar habits.
So weird is George’s life, that one newspaper wrote about what is ostensibly a baby being carried into a corpse festival, noting that he ‘appeared to wave at The Queen’, when it is clear that babies don’t wave at people they barely recognise at 3 months old. Little George is too concerned with eating and crapping it all out.
All the while, people pointed and stared at his mother and father, taking huge amounts of notes and telling everyone what clothes they were wearing. A procession of people followed the child, including a man who wants to be a leader of an organisation that can only be achieved by the death of other family members.
George would probably think that all sounds a bit macabre if he wasn’t too busy soiling his silken nappy.
George’s family read out loud from a book where a man who may or may not exist, before singing songs to this man – not to George – in a language no-one uses anymore. One of them was called ‘Be Thou My Vision’, which isn’t about the miracle of eyesight.
Weirder still, was that some complete strangers to the family camped outside the palace for more than 24 hours to obtain a good vantage point of a child being covered in some water, waving flags, which are sheets of plastic on a bendy stick which signify a collection of post codes and some anecdotes about a war none of us fought in.
Poor little Prince George. This world is only going to become more confusing for you. Wait ’til you have to put a sword on someone’s shoulder because they’ve been good, and they stick a golden hat on you that doesn’t even keep the rain off your head.
When the going gets weird, the weird turn pro.