Why People Moaning About Susan Boyle And Elvis Are Stupid And Wrong
PART-TIME music snobs have been tutting and sighing about the imminent Christmas single featuring both Susan Boyle and Elvis. They think Elvis represents something sanctified and Boyle, something awful. These people, clearly, have little knowledge in either and, in fact, don’t realise how this duet makes a whole load of sense.
When asked about the duet, Susan Boyle was as puzzled as anyone, saying: “To sing with Elvis, I didn’t think it would be possible… isn’t technology brilliant? Dueting with Elvis was beyond my wildest dreams and now that this is able to raise money and help children, it is simply fantastic.”
“I remember his music being played in the house growing up quite a lot – and I used to love going to see some of his films,” added Boyle.
Naturally, cod-music critics will be summoning up the nausea to take a moral highground in their articles. They’ll be looking at the whole thing as cynical. They’ll be looking at the whole thing like Boyle doesn’t deserve it in some way. Crucially, they’ll be missing what kind of an artist Elvis really was.
See, Boyle is a good Christian woman who sings big ol’ songs. America loves her while Britain has largely forgotten about her. And you couldn’t blame her for ignoring what us braying arsehats think – we laughed at her face before she’d even opened her mouth to sing ‘I dreamed a dreeeam of time gone byyyy…‘, we gave her the ridiculous nickname of ‘Subo’ (a snide take on ‘sumo’), we held her up as a sign of God’s love and we mocked her simply for being ever since.
Likewise, Elvis went from making rock ‘n’ roll to similarly sentimental ballads, being the good ol’ god-fearing boy who forgot about all that pop racket and went directly to the sugary jugular of the heart. Elvis, like Boyle, was also mocked for being fat by critics who, apparently, Are All About The Music Maaan. You’ll find that people who like ‘real’ music are usually the first to notice the clothes or weight of a singer. Anything, so they don’t have to actually research some music that isn’t based around four white men playing guitars.
It is obvious that, had Elvis not died, he’d be more akin to Josh Groban than Lemmy Kilmister. Elvis wasn’t a rocker, Elvis was a big softie (who went a bit crackers through fame and prescription medicine).
Everyone always looks at The King like he was a proto punk, but they obviously haven’t listened to ‘How Great Thou Art’, ‘He Touched Me’ or ‘You’ll Never Walk Alone’ lately. Elvis’ religious or sentimental output is just as loved by proper Elvis fans, and there’s a chance that his (now older) fans will be pretty thrilled that The King and Boyle will be bringing some gigantic, overwrought Christmas balladeering. Fuck those in their mid-twenties/early-thirties who ironically listen to ‘Burning Love’ or think that Elvis sucked when he started making films.
And this isn’t the first duet between a cadaver and someone in the living realm. Crappy Critics soiled themselves when Tupac and ODB’s holograms appeared on-stage with Snoop and the Wu respectively… but they were okay because Crappy Critics like absolutely anything relating to 90s hip hop.
To anyone who actually kept up with the breadth of Elvis’ career, this duet makes perfect sense. Susan Boyle, selling bucketloads of records worldwide without coming back to Britain too often, with Elvis, huge record shifter and never had to bother with Britain, teaming up to bring Yuletide vibes AND raise money for The Children.
This won’t be the coolest record with Elvis’ name on it… but who really cares about cool? Elvis and Susan Boyle certainly don’t.