False Black Widow Demands Chance To Eat A Celebrity Or Real Black Widow Dies
THE autumn has been marked by a series of panicky stories about spiders. The tabloid terror news runs in cycles: autumn: spiders; summer: sharks and foxes; winter: lice; and spring: Bill Oddie. Much has been written about the False Black Widow, a big spider that if you’re brave enough to look it in the eyes, pretends to be killer Black Widow, but is in actual fact just a domestic bug playing dress-up.
The location of the real Black Widow spider is not known. She’s missing. In the meantime, the impostor runs amuck, breaking into homes and giving the grieving Black Widow a bad name.
Adding to the spider panic, we read the story of the woman who spotted a gang of spiders in her Sainsbury’s Fair Trade bananas. Consi Taylor, 29, husband Richard and their two young children were forced to abandon their house in Hampton, south-west London. She says the beasts were Brazilian Wandering Spiders, but we’d wager they were False Widows up to their usual tricks.
Says says: “I got halfway through the banana when I saw something white on the skin. I thought it was mould but when I had a closer look I saw some funny looking spots. I had a closer look and was horrified to see they were spiders. They were hatching out on the table, scurrying around on my carpet. I was so scared I started crying.”
The house was fumigated. Sainsbury’s picked up the £1,000 bill for their hotel stay, dry cleaning and house cleaning.
Sainsbury’s said: “We’re very sorry and have apologised to Mr and Mrs Taylor. We do have rigorous controls on imported products at all stages – from harvesting to transportation — which is why this is so rare.”
Time, then, to get up to speed with spider before it’s too late and the British are brought to their knees. Or yield to the false widows demands and allow one of them to eat Paul Burrell on I’m A Celebrity . . . Get Me Out Of Here!