The 8 Most Terrible Things We’ve Learned About Nigella Lawson
HUGE swathes of the press are incredibly excited about the Nigella Lawson court case because they’re getting loads of juicy information on her private life without having to rummage around in bins, tap phones or interview a soul!
Perfect for the modern, lazy hack.
However, it seems that no-one on Fleet Street has actually realised what is being revealed – that Nigella is actually very normal and that the life of a celebrity is crushingly similar to most people’s.
As facts about her life dribble out in court, let us look at each of her tedious confessions while the rest of the world convinces themselves that there’s something remarkable going on.
Her ex-husband is a dick:
According to Nigella, Charles Saatchi is a bit of a dick. In evidence, she said that Saatchi threatened to “destroy” her if she did not go back to him. Of course, we all saw the picture of Saatchi with his hands around Nigella’s throat, so the chances of her going back to him weren’t likely. Quite right too. However, Nigella is not the only person on Earth with an ex who is mental (allegedly).
She’s smoked weed:
Nigella confessed to smoking cannabis. Apparently, she started “relatively recently” and has since quit. Someone smoking joints? Whatever next? Getting tiddly drunk after a crap day in the office?! She also confessed to having smoked weed in front of her children. You can assume that middle class children, any teenager or any child who has been to a festival has seen or partaken in a joint or two. This news is about as revelatory as someone saying they forgot to put milk in their tea.
She’s recreationally taken drugs:
Cocaine has seen Ms Lawson dubbed ‘Higella’. Of course, this is fantastically unremarkable news because walk into any chain bar on a weekend in a small town, and you’ll find coke. It isn’t the high class, decadent, titillating drug it once was. Besides, a celebrity with a Tory father and a husband in PR, with loads of contacts to the press and TV taking cocaine is about as surprising as finding your own hand on the end of your arm.
Alas, this being the press, Nigella had to say she had taken cocaine on six occasions when her late husband John Diamond was suffering from cancer, as he used the drug as an escape. No explanation was necessary.
She’s spent a lot of money on things:
Apparently, Nigella and her family have spent loads of money on expensive wine and such. She’s loaded. Course she has. Why wouldn’t she? She’s a woman who, like anyone, lives within her means. If she earned less money, you can guarantee she’d have a similar life, only with less expensive tastes (crappier coke and cheaper wine).
Elisabetta Grillo, foreground, and Francesca Grillo, left, arrive at Isleworth Crown Court in London, Wednesday, Dec. 4, 2013.
She was generous to her aides:
How lovely. She had people working for her so she bought them presents. Nice, but not interesting.
Her husband used to keep cash in a bag on top of the fridge:
Nigella says that Saatchi “kept a huge stash it above the fridge… he put it in a lunch zippy freezer bag above the fridge. I think he did like a huge wad of cash because he didn’t like to use credit cards himself.” If you’re rich, you have notes in a bag on top of the fridge. If you’re not, you have a jar filled with loose change. So far, so humdrum.
Nigella with her husband, columnist and author John Diamond, arriving at the premiere of British film Billy Elliot, at the Empire cinema in London’s Leicester Square, 27/9/2000
She’s not going to let someone slag her and her family off:
Like anyone, Nigella is defensive about herself and her family. This is one of the genuinely more interesting bits of the case, albeit a typical response. When Anthony Metzer QC suggested that Saatchi’s background “conflicted” with hers she said: “I don’t understand how my marriage is pertinent to you.” Talking about the death of her former husband, Metzer said: “when he died, or passed away, I’ll try to be tactful…” Miss Lawson interrupted and said: “You don’t need to be tactful about death. You were smiling when you said that, it was flippant.”
Marvellously, Lawson suggested Mr Metzer was “obsessed” with celebrities and added: “I’m afraid to say I very often don’t look presentable.”
She’s not stupid:
When this court case – regarding aides expenses – came about, she knew that she was going to be put through the wringer: “[Saatchi] started spreading false allegations of drug use, in particular the awful incident at Scott’s, and I felt his way of getting things out was to use this case and in September a new addition to the defendants’ defence statements came out which Mr Saatchi had menaced me with in August.”
“I said: ‘What allegations? There aren’t going to be any.’ These were spread on a PR blog dedicated to salvaging Mr Saatchi’s reputation and trashing mine. I felt this would not become a fraud case and I would be put on trial and that is what happened. It comes after a long summer of bullying and abuse and I find it another chapter in that.”
So what have we learned? That Nigella is not stupid, she gets angry when people attack her family, that she’s lived within her means, she’s smoked the odd joint and done some recreational drugs a few times.
It is almost disappointing that celebrities aren’t weirder or more decadent. Either way, there you have it. The press everyone, going crazy over a life as ordinary as Doris next door.