My Krafty Elf And Safety Guide To Christmas Telly
IF you gave me the choice between being brutally murdered by rabid attack hamsters and a dwarf with a chainsaw or watching Kirstie’s Crafty Christmas, I would pick the fluffy bloody death. At least my screams would be heard and not muffled beneath the crochet shit hell of Kirstie’s dreams. Sugary, retro bullshit of the highest order. Imagine a stiletto with ironic tinsel wrapped round it stamping on true Christmas forever. Your Christmas is bollocks unless you make a thousand pointless bits of tat to scatter around your house. Buy your stuff from Iceland and get shit-faced on premixed egg nogg? You are scum. My kind of scum. Email for my address.
Kirstie made pom-poms and tissue paper flowers because…um…I have no idea. It also seemed so pointless and put on. Christmas is fun but crafting maniacs like Allsop want to make the whole thing into an impossible pile of work and stress. My beautiful wooden star is no symmetrical, I’m off to Sylvia Plath myself in the oven. I promise I’ll leave space for the turkey.
Meanwhile some sub-Jamie Oliver twunt called Tom Kerridge was making me feel inadequate about Christmas dinner. Yes he has some Michelin stars but boy howdy he’d be a buzz kill as you tucked in to some Aunt Bessie’s, a nice lump of beef and enough gin to stun a member of the House of Lords (or is that just me?). Tom banged on about “proper lush fruit and veg” and “proper carrots cooked properly”. Presumably my method of murdering a rabbit then stuffing carrots into its shocked mouth while dressed as Elmer Fudd is “not proper”. Who are you to tell me that Kerridge? I’ll kill you like I killed Bugs Bunny.
However, Christmas TV will be brilliant this year. A new Sherlock, a last outing for Matt Smith’s Doctor and the first real look at Peter Capaldi’s new take on the Time Lord, loads of old telly on Gold if you get bored with seeing Vernon-Kay types gurn through lazy approximations of what variety shows used to look like and a tonne of excellent movies. And look, if you haven’t watched Elf yet, Christmas has not started for you. Get on it. Get on it now. And follow my lead, from now until New Year’s Eve, answer you phone like this: “Hello! Buddy the elf, what’s your favourite colour?” Merry Christmas telly fanatics. I’ll be in the corner with my gin and my remote control getting ready to be remotely furious with you on New Year’s Eve. Ho ho ho, hoes x