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Anorak | My Krafty Elf And Safety Guide To Christmas Telly

My Krafty Elf And Safety Guide To Christmas Telly

by | 19th, December 2013

Kirstie's Crafty Christmas

 

IF you gave me the choice between being brutally murdered by rabid attack hamsters and a dwarf with a chainsaw or watching Kirstie’s Crafty Christmas, I would pick the fluffy bloody death. At least my screams would be heard and not muffled beneath the crochet shit hell of Kirstie’s dreams. Sugary, retro bullshit of the highest order. Imagine a stiletto with ironic tinsel wrapped round it stamping on true Christmas forever. Your Christmas is bollocks unless you make a thousand pointless bits of tat to scatter around your house. Buy your stuff from Iceland and get shit-faced on premixed egg nogg? You are scum. My kind of scum. Email for my address.

Kirstie made pom-poms and tissue paper flowers because…um…I have no idea. It also seemed so pointless and put on. Christmas is fun but crafting maniacs like Allsop want to make the whole thing into an impossible pile of work and stress. My beautiful wooden star is no symmetrical, I’m off to Sylvia Plath myself in the oven. I promise I’ll leave space for the turkey.

Meanwhile some sub-Jamie Oliver twunt called Tom Kerridge was making me feel inadequate about Christmas dinner. Yes he has some Michelin stars but boy howdy he’d be a buzz kill as you tucked in to some Aunt Bessie’s, a nice lump of beef and enough gin to

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Posted: 19th, December 2013 | In: TV & Radio Comment | Follow the Comments on our RSS feed: RSS 2.0 | TrackBack | Permalink