What To Expect At The Brits 2014
SO, The Brit Awards are due and London’s cocaine dealers are excitedly charging around like it’s Christmas morning. All the record industry, hangers-on, people off the telly and well connected interns will all get together for music’s work’s do, get absolutely leathered and expect us, the record buying prole-scum at home, to be nice to them on Twitter.
The best thing about The Brits isn’t watching bands play music on TV or seeing your favourite band win – it is getting online and pouring as much scorn as humanly possible on these jumped-up dickheads with bad fringes and terrible waistcoats.
Of course, the funny thing about The Brits is that half of those in attendance – especially dreary indie bands – will have, at some point, complained about royalties being stolen from music and how artists are suffering, despite the fact that they appear – ON OUR TELEVISIONS – in lavish, grand surroundings, gobbling enough beak and arse to feed a third world country, wearing gowns that cost more than your annual wage.
Aside from these guffawing heart-bleeders, we will get to see some bands performing songs we like/hate.
At the ceremony, will be Pharrell Williams and he’ll hopefully be showing us all just how he managed to get away with singing on Robin Thicke’s ‘Blurred Lines’ and appear in that sexist video and get away with it. If not, we’ll just assume it’s because people can’t bring themselves to criticise those they fancy. Handsome people are allowed to be a bit sexist. Creepy uncle sorts are to be knock from pillar to post.
He’s said: “I always look forward to seeing the artists that come together on the BRITs stage. I’m so humbled by this opportunity – performing at the awards will be surreal.”
He’ll be joined by Arctic Monkeys, who have gone from spunky, witty upstarts, to turgid dadrockers with bad quiffs and expensive leather jackets. Basically, they’re morphing into Bono.
Katy Perry will also play, but she’s stopped making fun pop records so that won’t be nearly as fun as it once could of been and the simpering tones of Ellie Goulding will also crop up at the show, while Bruno Mars will once again make people swear in increasingly wonderful and creative ways.
Rudimental will show up to play Tesco Value Drum ‘n’ Bass while Bastille will mew in annoying accents down the microphone, just to show everyone what a terrible state hipster music is in.
Katy Perry said of the event: ‘The Brits has always showcased the music that I love and am influenced by. It’s an honour to play at such a prestigious event where musicality shines at its brightest.’
She’s obviously thinking of the M People/Eurythmics years. Of course, we can’t talk about the Brits without mentioning Sam Fox and Mick Fleetwood. However, seeing as there are no decent jokes left about those two, we’ll leave it for the newspapers to titter about it like they’re the first people who remembered them.
Christian Tattersfield, Brits Chairman, said: “It took a lot of wining and dining on behalf of the Brits but it was my absolute priority to get Arctic Monkeys to perform. It has been their year. It helps that the Brit Awards is now seen as a credible event and is no longer the shambles it was four or five years ago.”
Credible eh? So who is hosting?