BBC To Be Replaced By Rolling Noel Edmonds
NOEL EDMONDS will save the BBC from “inevitable disaster”. Yes, the man who gave us shaved Dave Lee Travis as Mr Blobby and who fronts Deal or No Deal will refuse to ever work for the corporation again. No. It’s something worse than that. The BBC will be replaced by rolling Noel Edmonds.
Can it be that former BBC Radio 1 DJ will get to run the entire corporation?
The BBC is renewing its charter in 2017. And Edmonds is ready. He writes in the Sunday Times:
“Forget renewing the current charter in 2016, an act as futile as giving medicine to a corpse.”
Instead, Edmonds points to his Project Reith, a group of wealthy investors willing to buy the BBC. He adds:
“Finding the money to pay a fair market price is not the problem.”
ARe the investors like the Banker he speaks to on the cosmic phone on Deal or No Deal, the show in which contestants have to guess which box contains the most money as Noel blathers on about their “game plan” in a desperate bid to pad the end of the pier show out to 30 minutes? Every so often, Noel talks in to the Banker, a person whom we never see nor hear. Only Noel hears the voice of Banker on his Fisher Price phone. Replace the word banker with “mother”, “God” or “Noel” and the shows takes on a darker and more interesting significance.
(Noel, when you run the Blobby Broadcasting Corporation, call us. We have ideas.)
What is the problem, then? The Sunday Times notes one:
James Purnell, the BBC’s director of strategy, warned last week a proposed decriminalisation of licence fee evasion could lose the corporation about 5% of its income, or £200m a year, and lead to the closure of BBC4, CBeebies and CBBC.
The Telegraph adds:
More than 180,000 people – almost 3,500 a week – appeared before the Magistrates Courts in 2012, accused of watching television without a valid licence in, with 155,000 being convicted and fined. …
More than 100 backbench MPs from all the major political parties are now supporting a change in the law which would make non-payment of the annual £145.50 charge a matter for the civil courts, rather than a criminal offence. This would mean nobody who fails to pay could be given a criminal record, although penalties, including potential fines, would still apply.
The Telegraph can disclose that Chris Grayling, the Justice Secretary, and Maria Miller, the Culture and Media Secretary, both now support the idea.
The BBC as it is now is in trouble. But t, then, the BBC is not as it was. It should stop its all-embracing, competition-busting internet news site and just publish a newspaper.
“If today just 5% of us decided the overstretched, overbloated BBC wasn’t worthy of our support, it would instantly collapse. That is how desperate the current situation really is… Believe me, these people can make it happen. If ailing British companies such as Rolls-Royce, Land Rover, British Airways and Cadbury can be turned around, there is still hope for the BBC.”
Er… Rolls Royce is owned by BMW (Germany); Land Rover (India’s Tata Motors); British Airways (Spain’s IAG) and Cadbury (America’s Mondelēz International). If any rich Bangladeshis or Bolivians fancies the BBC, they won’t have to change the letterheads.
And there is one other thing. Edmonds is, of course, the author of From Positively Happy: Cosmic Ways To Change Your Life, in which he notes:
“Start by writing down ten positive words to describe yourself. Write them on a card — the size of a business card will do — and bring it out whenever you feel insecure or your self-esteem is running low. Bring it out before you walk into a big party or go to an important meeting. It will help you, believe me. Carry it everywhere.”
So. There is it. Replace the BBC output with a new test card.
But even that;s not new. In 2002, BBC staff were to be issued with yellow cards saying “Cut the crap and make it happen”, which they can wave at internal meetings, Greg Dyke, the director-general, announced. The idea was part of a “Make it Happen” campaign designed to stimulate creativity within the corporation and make it the “most innovative and risk-taking place there is”.
A spot of excitement is what TV needs. But nothing will match the thrill of watching the magick box without a licence. That really is edge of your sets telly…