Real Football Fans Point And Laugh At Liverpool And Chelsea Players Crying In Public
MANCHESTER City are Champions. Doubtless a few City fans will be weeping tears of joy. Dewey-eyed Liverpool supporters are wondering how it all went wrong. And fans of relegated clubs will be weeping for their loss. The trick is to do your emoting in the bosom of your brothers and sisters in misery or joy. Never let the enemy see your tears. If you do, you will look weak and pathetic. They will point and deride you – just as all fans should mock players who bawl their eyes out on the pitch when they lose.
Here’s a test: do you look at pictures of John Terry crying because his Chelsea didn’t win and:
a) roll your eyes
d) feel a whole lot better about your own team’s defeats and sleep like a baby
When you saw this photo of John Terry crying when The Blues lost the Champions’ League final in 2008, did you:
a) look away
c) laugh hard
d) really laugh very hard
What about when Luis Suarez sobbed after Liverpool tossed away the Premier League title at Crystal Palace?
a) feel upset
b) pray that someone went up and whispered ‘negrito’ in his ear
c) laugh your head off
d) Tweet “It was nice to see Suarez in tears at the end. I like that because he’s a blatant cheat” (Noel Gallagher) and sing a filthy song about his sister?
Mostly as) You are a fan of the sobber’s club, Jeremy Kyle or the Dalai Lama.
Mostly bs) You are a rational and sane human being.
Mostly cs) You are a football fan who can remember the sport before games ended with an M People-driven compilation video and when players’ children never entered the field of play.
Mostly ds) You are a true fan, one who has never supported a ‘second club’, worn a jester’s hat to the match, who finds watching your team’s nemesis reduced to tears a moment of unbridled joy and who only watches a rival club playing in a Cup final on the chance that the cameras will pick up their fans crying their eyes out in defeat.
Watching the opposition reduced to tears is, short of victory, pretty much as delicious as it gets. Your job, as a true fan, is to think up a chant that really rubs raw chilli into their wet eyes.