Flippers And Faps: The Dark Side of Dolphins
Flippers and faps: the dark side of dolphins
THINK of dolphins and you might think of Fred Neil’s beautiful, poignant song of that name, performed here, in one of his many versions, by the late Tim Buckley…
Or – if you are of a certain age – you might be transported with warm fuzzy memories of Porter Ricks and his marine mammalian mate Flipper: ‘No-one you see is smarter than he…’
But warm fuzzy feelings come in many forms. Take the aptly named Paul Horner, for example. He is the man inside Fappy The Anti-Masturbation Dolphin, mascot for a Christian anti-wanking group that recently finished a nationwide school tour, educating both children and parents about the dangerous consequences of self-abuse.
Masturbation, they claim, is ‘a gateway drug to rape’, and their patter includes memorable lines such as: ‘Stop playing on the Devil’s playground, stop pounding their Devil stick or ringing the Devil’s doorbell!’
Unfortunately Horner was arrested at Metta Yoga in Phoenix after employees spotted a trouserless man peering through office windows.
According to the arresting officer: ‘Things got very odd when Horner broke down crying in the back of my cruiser and began making noises, kind of like a fish, saying that he believed himself to be an actual dolphin. It was really strange.’
Lonnie Childs, president and founder of Stop Masturbation Now, said: ‘Thanks to your tax dollars, Fappy has helped tens of thousands of adults and children learn to live a masturbation-free lifestyle. During his visits to schools around the world, Fappy has collected thousands of signatures from children promising to never masturbate; he has done great things… It’s a shame how the media is portraying Fappy right now. Paul Horner is a great man. He’s passionate about his work, he loves being Fappy, he loves the kids. They even have a nickname for him, they call him “the tickle monster”. But now, all of that is possibly ruined by some trumped-up charges by the Phoenix five-oh, such a shame. I have activated my prayer app and I ask each and every one of you to keep Fappy in your prayers until this incident is resolved. Praise Fappy!’
Let’s give Horner himself the final word: ‘You have my word that I will make the most of this bad situation. Jail is just a hotbed for self-rape and immoral acts. I plan to do everything in my power to stop the masturbation currently happening in this jail.’
All most unfortunate. But in retrospect, a dolphin might not be the best figurehead for an anti-fapping foundation. As this gentleman will agree…
And this lady too…
Then again, it takes two to tango.
In the 1960s, neurologist John C Lilly ran a NASA-funded experiment to teach a dolphin called Peter to speak English.
‘Peter liked to be with me,’ recalled Lilly’s assistant, Margaret Howe, in the BBC Documentary The Girl Who Talked To Dolphins. ‘He would rub himself up on my knee, or my foot, or my hand, or whatever… I wasn’t uncomfortable with that, as long as it wasn’t too rough. It would just become part of what was going on, like an itch, just get rid of that, scratch it, and we’ll be done and move on.’
Investigative journalist Malcolm Brenner is best known for his notorious novel has gained international notoriety for his novel, Wet Goddess, which describes the life of fictional college student Zachary Zimmerman, who meets and falls in love with a dolphin named Ruby at a local theme. Brenner claims the book is autobiographical. ‘I wrote this book for dolphins because we are mistreating these animals by keeping them in captivity,’ he says.
Hard to know what to make of the following gentleman, appearing here incognito with Howard Sern…
And finally, a feelgood story.
Animal rights campaigner Alan Cooper was cleared of the charge of outraging public decency by committing an obscene act with Freddie the dolphin (pictured) in the sea off Amble, Northumberland.
During the trial Tony Jennings, for Mr Cooper, had said that Peter Bloom, who prompted the complaints, was a sworn enemy of his client. Continuing, he remarked that Bloom had the audacity to condemn Cooper for the alleged sexual act, yet he had trained dolphins to jump out of the water and remove a bikini top from a woman swimmer.
Cheers rang out from the packed public gallery at Newcastle Upon Tyne Crown Court as the jury returned a unanimous not guilty verdict.
Cooper announced that he was planning an early celebration swim with Freddie, who was described during the proceedings as the ‘world’s friendliest dolphin’.