Anorak | Flippers And Faps: The Dark Side of Dolphins

Flippers And Faps: The Dark Side of Dolphins

by | 12th, July 2014

Flippers and faps: the dark side of dolphins


THINK of dolphins and you might think of Fred Neil’s beautiful, poignant song of that name, performed here, in one of his many versions, by the late Tim Buckley…



Or if you are of a certain age you might be transported with warm fuzzy memories of Porter Ricks and his marine mammalian mate Flipper: ‘No-one you see is smarter than he…’



But warm fuzzy feelings come in many forms. Take the aptly named Paul Horner, for example. He is the man inside Fappy The Anti-Masturbation Dolphin, mascot for a Christian anti-wanking group that recently finished a nationwide school tour, educating both children and parents about the dangerous consequences of self-abuse.




Masturbation, they claim, is ‘a gateway drug to rape’, and their patter includes memorable lines such as: ‘Stop playing on the Devil’s playground, stop pounding their Devil stick or ringing the Devil’s doorbell!’

Unfortunately Horner was arrested at Metta Yoga in Phoenix after employees spotted a trouserless man peering through office windows.

According to the arresting officer: ‘Things got very odd when Horner broke down crying in the back of my cruiser and began making noises, kind of like a fish, saying that he believed himself to be an actual dolphin. It was really strange.’

Lonnie Childs, president and founder of Stop Masturbation Now, said: ‘Thanks to your tax dollars, Fappy has helped tens of thousands of adults and children learn to live a masturbation-free lifestyle. During his visits to schools around the world, Fappy has collected thousands of signatures from children promising to never masturbate; he has done great things… It’s a shame how the media is portraying Fappy right now. Paul Horner is a great man. He’s passionate about his work, he loves being Fappy, he loves the kids. They even have a nickname for him, they call him “the tickle monster”. But now, all of that is possibly ruined by some trumped-up charges by the Phoenix five-oh, such a shame. I have activated my prayer app and I ask each and every one of you to keep Fappy in your prayers until this incident is resolved. Praise Fappy!’

Let’s give Horner himself the final word: ‘You have my word that I will make the most of this bad situation. Jail is just a hotbed for self-rape and immoral acts. I plan to do everything in my power to stop the masturbation currently happening in this jail.’

All most unfortunate. But in retrospect, a dolphin might not be the best figurehead for an anti-fapping foundation. As this gentleman will agree…



And this lady too…

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Posted: 12th, July 2014 | In: Key Posts, Strange But True Comment (1) | Follow the Comments on our RSS feed: RSS 2.0 | TrackBack | Permalink