Manchester United Balls: Red Devils Are Looking For An Official Escort Agency Partner
WHEN Burnley manager Sean Dyche talked not of League Leaders but Market Leaders, the Tims and Lucys at Manchester United Inc. nodded and very possibly punched the air and whooped. Manchester United are now all about money. United are not a football team; they are a brand that can attract £150million per year in sponsorship cash (plus £75m-a-year or the next 10 seasons for their Adidas deal).
Some of the sponsors are remarkably odd, like the £2m a year Casillero del Diablo hand United to remind eveyone that they sponsor Manchester United. No photos exists of Alex Ferguson, the club’s famous wine aficionado, handing a bottle of Diablo to a rival manager, but we’re sure the label fought of massive competition to be the wine linked to Wayne Rooney’s nose. Take that, Blue Nun, your Chelsea mad bint.
Bulova also pay United £2m a year. They are, of course, United’s “global timekeeping partner”. No. They’re not joking. And no, they did not supply watches to Howard Webb or any other Old Trafford referee of the Ferguson era.
Yanmar is Manchester United’s official “diesel engine partner”. Should Radamel Falcao need a dissel engine for his Thursday afternoon Ferrari, Yanmar are open to facilitating a discount.
Rob Van Persie loves – LOVES – South Korean Ottogi meatballs. Fresh from the microwave. Yumm…
Kagome tomato juice recaptures the sound of Wayne Rooney gargling with mouthwash following a brief stay at a Manchester hotel.
Who is Manchesster United’s “official global noodle partner”? Funny you ask. It’s Nissin Foods Group.
And Mister Potato, is Manchester United’s “official savoury snack partners”. This might be what clinched Rooney the captain’s armband.
Unilver are Manchester United’s “official Personal Care and Laundry Partner” in Laos and Philippines. This will enable the player’s maids and child carers to arrive in Manchester already familiar with the club.
Kansai Paint is Manchester United’s “official paint partner”. The role of official turpentine partner is at the bidding stage.
The Daily Mail has more:
Aeroflot: Official airline
Aperol Spritz: Official Global Spirits Partner
Apollo Tyres: Official Tyre Partner
Epson: Office equipment partner
Toshiba Medical Systems: Medical systems partner
STC: Telecommunications partner of Man Utd for Saudi Arabia
The Hong Kong Jockey Club: Official partner
TM: Telecommunications partner in Malaysia
Globacom: Telecommunication services partner in Nigeria, Ghana, Republic of Benin
VIVA: Telecommunication services partner in Bahrain
VIVA Kuwait: Telecommunication services partner in Kuwait
Honda: Motorcycle partner in Thailand
Bakcell: Telecommunications partner for Azerbaijan
Gloops: Gaming partner in Japan
Truemove H: Mobile partner for Thailand
Truevisions: MUTV broadcaster for Thailand
PCCW: Telecommunications partner and broadcast partner for Hong Kong
Zong: Official Communications Partner in Pakistan
United are whoring themselves around to anyone with cash. It makes us wonder why there’s no official Manchester United escort agency? Unless there is…