We’re All Going To Die: North Korea Readies For Total War In 2015
EVEN though Kim Jong Un is the Sexiest Man Alive, has a weakness for cheese and was probably born in a lotus flower while scoring a hole in one as a sperm before emerging as a flying baby, let us not forget that he’s completely mental.
North Korea’s premier is a man who likes to keep his people under his waddling, hypnotic spell, while plotting constant war. You see, when you have everything and everyone is cow-eyed in your presence, the threat of nuclear war is probably the only thing you’ve got that gets the blood pumping around your regal underpants.
According to Yonhap News, South Korea’s biggest news agency, things are getting weird in the North.
You see, North Korea has a plan to achieve national reunification in 2015. Seeing as South Korea is quite happy being separate, there’s only one thing North Korea can do – gear up for all-out war. Seoul’s ministry of defence said that they’re conducting tactical trainings and boosting their its attack capabilities.
“After declaring 2015 the year of completing unification, North Korea has been prepared for full-scale wars,” the ministry said in a report presented to the National Assembly for an annual audit of state agencies.
Of course, we all know that North Korea has been setting off rockets in the Korean Peninsula and making everyone incredibly jumpy. You could call it WWIII if the American Invasion of the Middle East wasn’t already that.
“The North doubled the number (of servicemen) involved in its summer trainings compared to previous years. It has also boosted its attack capabilities in a consistent manner,” the ministry added. They also added 300 units of multiple rocket launchers over the past two years to bring the total number “to some 5,100” according to the South Korean forces.
The report says: “This year alone, Pyongyang launched rockets 19 times, with the latest one in early September, firing a total of 111 projectiles.”
And now, South Korea wants to counter the threat and the Seoul government have devised “a timetable” to launch precise strikes against the origin of aggressors on the ground, sea and air.
“South Korea has maintained a firm readiness against North Korea’s limited provocations and any attempts to wage full-scale wars,” the ministry said. “We are trying to boost security posture in capital areas to deter diverse and novel types of threats by the enemy.”
We’re all going to die. Apart from Kim Jong Un of course, who will levitate away into space and live on the moon because he doesn’t need air (and it is made out of cheese).