Angelina Jolie not dead: weight falls to weekly deadline
Angelina Jolie weighs 83lbs. We know this because the National Enquirer leads with the weighty issue on its cover page. The NE loves to talk about Jolie’s weight. Her love-rival, former Mrs Brad Pitt, Jennifer Aniston, sucks the tabloid straw marked ‘Womb News”; Angelina gets “Thin” and “Death”. Brad, well, no-one ever mentions his luxuriant, post-ubiquitous-hat age-defying hair, odd for a middle-aged man seemingly in a state of perpetual “WORRY”.
Lest anyone reading think 83lbs an enviable weight, the NE tells us that Jolie has been on the wrong end of a “Doc’s DEADLY DIAGNOSIS”. It is a “heartbreaking medical crisis”. And Jolie’s not going alone or quietly because Brad Pitt “fears she’s a ‘WALKING TIME BOMB’.
Inside the magazine, over two pages, we learn of Angelina’s “NEW CANCER HELL”. Jolie is “hurtling toward an early grave”.
A “family insider” (which family?) says surgery to remove the actress’s ovaries has sent her spiralling into early menopause. That, according to the magazine, means an increased risk of “overall mortality”.
So much for the NE’s advice on women considering or experiencing surgical menopause. But that’s not all. One doctor says he thinks Jolie is suffering from cachexia, “a wasting syndrome that can dramatically increase the chances of death”.
Can Jolie survive to next week’s health shocker? Let’s see…