Jerzy Janowicz Grows In Stature, Literally, And Andy Murray’s Team GB Loses Davis Cup Standing
GREAT Britain have been relegated to Group II of the Davis Cup’s Europe/Africa Zone after being beaten by Poland, despite Andy Murray’s win over Jerzy Janowicz, the man who grew up on court - literally:
Jerzy Janowicz stands 6ft 6in - Guardian
Polish No 1 Jerzy Janowicz… 6ft 7in - Mail
6ft 8in Jerzy Janowicz - Sun
Posted: 20th, September 2009 | In: Sports Comment (1) | Follow the Comments on our RSS feed:RSS 2.0
Michael Jackson’s Body Bag And Morgue Pictures
MICHAEL Jackson Watch: Anorak’s at-a-glance look at Michael Jackson in the news - a look at Jackson’s morgue, Debbie Rowe “sues” TMZ and art…
Sky News: “Jackson Body Given ‘Prestige’ At Morgue”
An investigator who witnessed Michael Jackson’s post-mortem has told Sky News his body was treated with “more prestige” than other bodies.
The cashmere body bag? The monwalking morticians? The testimony of one Lieutenant David Smith, who delivers his Jackson & Me:
“If anything, just for his own privacy and protection. He was kept very much under lock and key.”
Posted: 4th, August 2009 | In: Celebrities, Key Posts Comment (1) | Follow the Comments on our RSS feed:RSS 2.0
The Green Shirts Are Coming To British Business
THE green shirts are coming:
The boys in green are coming as the Environment Agency sets up a squad to police companies generating excessive CO2 emissions …
Decked out in green jackets, the enforcers will be able to demand access to company property, view power meters, call up electricity and gas bills and examine carbon-trading records for an estimated 6,000 British businesses.
Posted: 7th, July 2009 | In: Money Comment | Follow the Comments on our RSS feed:RSS 2.0
Five Reasons Why Andy Murray Failed At Wimbledon
MURRAY Mount is routed by Andy Roddick. Andy Murray’s Wimblwdon bid is over. Where did it go wrong? Anorak delivers our Top Five Reasons Why Andy Murray Failed At Wimbledon:
Kipling Test
The doyennes of the All England Club failed to introduce their much-vaunted Kipling Test – can Roger Federer recite all the verses he passes on the walk from changing room to court?
The Blonde
With her long blonde hair, longer legs and over-sized sunglasses Andy Murray’s girlfriend is the ultimate in court-side chic. So says the Mail, which gives a heads up to cameramen looking to fill those frequent breaks in play and moments before and after a big point with a hot of a blonde. Kim Sears fits the bill. And if she can keep Murray lean and hungry his hope can only be increased.
Fail: She became slightly tanned and displyed brown-ish roots.
Murray Maniacs
The Murray Maniacs are a chippier, less HRT-fed lot than the Henmanics, Tim Henman’s band of sectioned supporters. But they do have one advantage: less letters means lee T-shirts and less time spent organising people to stand in line to spell out their hero’s name when the valuable minutes could be spent chanting. Murr-eeee fits neatly with the Timm-eeee call, but Anorak suggests a twist and shortening Murray to Muzz, so creating the Muzz Buzz, a slow hissing fizz that at moments of tension causes Federer to believe he is under attack from angry wasps.
Fail: Murray becgan to swat balls like a Highland walker swatting midges. Muzzzzzz.
The System
The failed introduction of the esoteric Duckworth Lewis System that made one-day cricket a lottery. With just a few games played, the onset of rain or failing light could see Federer needing to win 17 games in a row inside 34 minutes.
Fail: See roof
Scotland Expects
Hiring the Scottish football team to Train Murray, thus ensuring the Muzz never hits a ball into the net no matter how hard he tries.
Fail: Tained by Graham Taylor and so beaten by the Americans.
Posted: 4th, July 2009 | In: Sports Comments (4) | Follow the Comments on our RSS feed:RSS 2.0
Global Warming Ruins Wimbledon
GLOBAL warming - or summer, as it used to be called - has ruined Wimbledon.
The abscence of Great British ballboys placing down copies of Nuts magazine to pull a tarpaulin sheet across Centre Court and a muted Cliff Richard - the acoustics with the roof shut are not nearly good enough for such a champion of the summer sport - plus the errie spectre of a British player proves that not all change is necessary.
Anorak recalls when tennis was a decent sport played by a decent sort.
Posted: 3rd, July 2009 | In: Sports Comments (4) | Follow the Comments on our RSS feed:RSS 2.0
TO Nebraska, where a man has drowned while mowing the lawn.
Bob Thorson, chief deputy of the Saunders County Sheriff’s Department, tells one and all that 85-year-old Albert Kavan Sr. was riding on his riding lawnmower shortly before 8 p.m. when he rolled down an embankment and came to a stop in a small area of water.
Posted: 29th, June 2009 | In: Strange But True Comments (3) | Follow the Comments on our RSS feed:RSS 2.0
Michael Jackson Ends Hunt For Madeleine McCann
MADELEINE McCann Watch: Anorak’s at-a-glance look at Madeleine McCann in the news - Case remains closed…
Portugal News Oneline tells readers: “Recent reports not enough to re-open Maddie case -Attorney General”
This was to be the Third Summer of Our Maddie, in which the story of the missing child would give the newspapers something to fall back on should Big Brother fail and a shark not be spotted off Bournemouth pier.
But Michael Jackson has died. Iran is broiling. Andy Murray is doing well. And as Sky News – live from LA tells us – it’s Tuesday so it must be Farrah Fawcett’s burial.
Portugal’s Attorney General has this week voiced its opinion that recent reports about British paedophile Raymond Hewlett, who was embroiled in the Madeleine McCann [sic] after it emerged the former convict had been staying in the Algarve at the time of her disappearance, were not strong enough to re-open the case.
Well, if there is no evidence…
Posted: 27th, June 2009 | In: Key Posts, Madeleine McCann, Media Comments (6) | Follow the Comments on our RSS feed:RSS 2.0
Michael Jackson Dominates The News
MICHAEL Jackson Watch: a challenge for British newspapers to top the Boston Herald’s front-page headline and cover -”FADE TO BLACKO”.
The death of Michael Jackson is front-page news on every British newspaper.
What with Iran, Andy Murray, Farrah Fawcett, Our Maddie, MPs’ expenses and Big Brother, thanks to the internet, you can follow it all…
Posted: 27th, June 2009 | In: Celebrities Comment (1) | Follow the Comments on our RSS feed:RSS 2.0
Kim Sears As Andy Murray Mounts
TO Murray Mount, formerly Henman Hill, Wade’s Wall, Perry’s Peak and Cliff’s Cliff and news from Wimbledon that Murray’s doubles’ partner Kim Sears (more nominative determinism, folks!) is sending “temperatures soaring further in sexy shades and shorts”.
From our vantage point, we can see the 21-year-old “wow onlookers in a pair of tiny denim hotpants”.
Phwoarty love!
Posted: 24th, June 2009 | In: Sports Comment (1) | Follow the Comments on our RSS feed:RSS 2.0
Five Ways Andy Murray Can Win Wimbledon
WITH Rafael Nadal out and Cliff Richard muted by the rain-proof roof over Wimbledon’s Centre Court, Andy Murray is edging closer to the Wimbledon title, this nation’s first since Harvey Templeton-Peck won it on horseback in 1786.
But what can we do to help Murray win the day? It’s pretty clear that what stands between Murray and a chance to introduce the ballgirls to the Dukd of Kent is Roger Federer, all flicky hair and too-close together eyes of Swiss precision.
Anorak delivers our Top Five Tips for Murray Success.
Kipling Test
The doyennes of the All England Club can introduce their much-vaunted Kipling Test – can Roger Federer recite all the verses he passes on the walk from changing room to court? If he can’t he’s out. It’s all about standards, dear boy.
The Blonde
With her long blonde hair, longer legs and over-sized sunglasses Andy Murray’s girlfriend is the ultimate in court-side chic. So says the Mail, which gives a heads up to cameramen looking to fill those frequent breaks in play and moments before and after a big point with a hot of a blonde. Kim Sears fits the bill. And if she can keep Murray lean and hungry his hope can only be increased.
Murray Maniacs
The Murray Maniacs are a chippier, less HRT-fed lot than the Henmanics, Tim Henman’s band of sectioned supporters. But they do have one advantage: less letters means lee T-shirts and less time spent organising people to stand in line to spell out their hero’s name when the valuable minutes could be spent chanting. Murr-eeee fits neatly with the Timm-eeee call, but Anorak suggests a twist and shortening Murray to Muzz, so creating the Muzz Buzz, a slow hissing fizz that at moments of tension causes Federer to believe he is under attack from angry wasps.
The System
The introduction of the esoteric Duckworth Lewis System has made one-day cricket a lottery. With just a few games played, the onset of rain or failing light could see Federer needing to win 17 games in a row inside 34 minutes.
Scotland Expects
Hiring the Scottish football team to Train Murray, thus ensuring the Muzz never hits a ball into the net no matter how hard he tries.
Come on, Murray!
Posted: 20th, June 2009 | In: Key Posts, Sports Comment (1) | Follow the Comments on our RSS feed:RSS 2.0
Andy Murray Works On his Grunt
IT’S summer. And that means tennis. And that means Wimbledon and Murray Maniacs and a promise of life after Tim Henman and loadsa grunting.
Murr-rrry fits nicely with the Timm-mee chant. But while Timm-eee looked at home among the tennis club sisterhood, Murray looks as if he’d rather be playing before a football crowd, where grunting is the norm.
At the French Open, Michelle Larcher de Brito, a 16-year-old Portuguese, unleashed a memorable grunt that outlasted many of her rallies. Her opponent, Ara-vane Rezaï, complained to the umpire about the din. Larcher de Brito lost and was booed off court.
Says Larcher de Brito:
“I don’t think it would be fair if you’re not allowed to shriek or scream or grunt. It’s part of the game. I’m 16 and I’m still learning. Maybe I can eventually put it under control. I don’t know, but I’ll try. It comes from Seles; it comes from Sharapova. It comes from great players.”
Had only Arthur Mullard been born a few decades alter and handed a racket Britain may not have had to wait so long for a champion. You emulate the great to make yourself great, and the British just aren’t cutting it.
Play up!
It’s a matter of national standards. Horatio Nelson is hit and emits an invitation for a kiss. King Harold is speared in the eye and barely gasps. Gordon Brown’s mouth grasps for air and finding it carries on. Listen for a grunt on the film Zulu. None. It’s just singing.
Compare that to American legends like Sylvester Stallone who serialised his grunts into a franchise, and the French for whom the grunt can be translated into – and we’re not making this up – 5,321 different nuances.
It’s time to hang up Cliff Richard’s umbrella and bring in Frankie Goes To Hollywood.
“Tennis,” says Frankie.
“Ugh!” grunts the crowd, in the manner of Angelina Jolie taking on in the stomach.
What is it good for?
“Ugh!”
Posted: 14th, June 2009 | In: Sports Comment | Follow the Comments on our RSS feed:RSS 2.0
Andy Murray Knocked Out By Susan Boyle
SUSAN Boyle Watch: Anorak’s at-a-glance look at Susan Boyle in the news - Susan Boyle knocks Andy Murray, MPs expenses and Boris Johnson thinks…
New Boyles Please!
It will not end with a trip to The Priory, but Andy Murray became the latest well-fancied Scottish export to suffer a very public meltdown when the pressure was on.
For Murray, the world No 3, his Susan Boyle moment came at the end of the second set of his French Open quarter-final against Fernando Gonzalez of Chile and continued until the first game of the fourth - Martin Samuel, Daily Mail
Posted: 3rd, June 2009 | In: Celebrities, Susan Boyle Comment (1) | Follow the Comments on our RSS feed:RSS 2.0
Serena Williams On Reality TV Show
TO Paris where shock news that tennis exists beyond the Wimbledon fortnight is overshadowed by Serena Williams calling her opponent Maria Jose Martinez Sanchez a cheat.
Williams says the ball went off Martinez Sanchez’s arm to win a crucial point. Martinez Sanchez thought that was a “stupid” thing for Williams to say.
Posted: 31st, May 2009 | In: Sports Comment | Follow the Comments on our RSS feed:RSS 2.0
Queen Endorses Golliwogs As Carol Thatcher Says “Golly Good Show, Andy Murray”
TO a gift shop on the Queen’s Sandringham Estate in Norfolk, and a order for golliwog toys.
Carol Thatcher is elevated from the living hell of BBC TV’s pisspoor The One Show after referring to tennis playerAndy Murray as a “golliwog” and the UK goes bonkers for the golli.
Posted: 5th, February 2009 | In: Key Posts, Media Comments (19) | Follow the Comments on our RSS feed:RSS 2.0
Who deserves to be BBC Sports Personality of the Year?
In this era of professional sport, it’s strange that anyone still cares about the Beeb’s Sports Personality of the Year.
It’s also strangely refreshing that the award still exists, even if no one takes it too seriously. It reminds us of the quaintness of much of the BBC’s sports coverage in the 20th century - Sports Personality occupies the same memory bank as A Question of Sport’s picture board, or the rousing intro to Ski Sunday.
Posted: 3rd, December 2008 | In: Sports Comments (5) | Follow the Comments on our RSS feed:RSS 2.0
The Web’s 20 Most Visible Individuals In The United Kingdom
NOWPUBLIC annoucnes its fifth MostPublic Index, identifying the Web’s 20 most visible individuals in the United Kingdom. Hereunder:
Posted: 24th, November 2008 | In: Media Comment | Follow the Comments on our RSS feed:RSS 2.0
Henman’s Wimbledon Ends In Golovin And Sharapova’s Knickers
TIM Henman is out. “14 YEARS OF HURT,” says the Mail. “HOW WIMBLEDON ALWAYS ENDS IN TEARS FOR TIGER TIM.”
Come on, Tim. Come on! Chin up. There’s always next year. Lucky 15 as they say. But Tim isn’t listening.
The Mail shows Tim’s expression unchanged since 1994. Disappointment is etched on his face. The moans and groans pervade Henman Hill like an element.
“I think for years we’ve been far too accepting of mediocrity,” says Tim. “You’re a load of waters,” says the Mail’s headline. Tim thinks we should tray harder to target younger tennis players.
Such is the demographic at Wimbledon talk of the Young Ones is less a call to arms than musak to watch the tennis go by.
“PANTS!” says the Sun. Oh, come on, he tries his best. Earlier in the week, the Sun was issuing an apology: “The Sun may in the past have given the impression that Tim was a gutless loser who embarrasses the nation. After his first round victory over Carlos Moya we would like to make it clear that he is in fact the best tennis payer in the entire universe (apart from Andy Murray).”
“PANTS!” says the Sun once more. And we look. And we see Tatiana Golovin showing us her red knickers. Ana Ivanovic’s are white, so too Maria Sharapova’s and Agnes Szavay’s.
Sun readers would usually expect to see so much East European flesh only on a Stag weekend to Prague. But here it is at Wimbledon.
Thankfully, gangs of partying lads prefer the cricket to the tennis and it’s unlikely anyone will become disorientated and stuff money in one of the girl’s gussets.
Game! Set! And matching knickers…
Posted: 29th, June 2007 | In: Back pages Comments (4) | Follow the Comments on our RSS feed:RSS 2.0
Wimbledon: Anyone For Thieving?
CALL in Columbo! Even better, get wine-soaked DCI Tom Barnaby from Midsomer Murders. Something is afoot at the All-England club.
According to the Mail, there is a thief stalking the Wimbledon locker rooms and he or she may even be a player or a coach! TV scriptwriters get typing….
So far, a number of players have had cash and valuables go missing from changing areas in the run-up to the famous competition, with Jamie Murray, brother of crocked Scots star Andy, having money and his mobile phone stolen at the Artois Championships at the Queen’s Club.
Last year’s semi-finalist, Jonas Bjorkman, has had his wallet stolen twice on the tour this year and he’s rather unhappy. Says he: “The ATP are deciding whether it is necessary to put cameras in dressing rooms. This year the problem has been extremely bad. In some tournaments there are up to 128 players and if the guard sees someone going around picking up things in racquet bags, it is hard for them to understand whose the racquet bag is. “
Cameras in dressing rooms, eh? I can see the headlines already…
Posted: 27th, June 2007 | In: Money Comment (1) | Follow the Comments on our RSS feed:RSS 2.0
Come On, Tim: Henman Carries The Hopes Of All England On His Wimbledon Spoon
WIMBLEDON is upon us and that means an audience with Tim Henman.
“We should all rally behind Tim, not smash him out of court,” says the Mirror’s Oliver Holt.
So I want you all to take a moment to breathe in and then give full throat to a lusty “Come on, Tim”.
Holt says Wimbledon fans issue the cry because they know it will raise a titter, they can “get an easy laugh out of Henman’s Englishness”.
He’s wrong. The kind of people who queue up to watch Henman play say “Come on, Tim” because they think it’s what people do at sporting events. They think it will inspire Tim. They think it displays their passion. They find it daring to shout out in public. The umpire tells them “Quiet please”. “Shhhhhh!” they say in louder voices.
For TV viewers, who make up the vast majority of the Wimbledon audience, the call sounds provincial, the kind of thing the Famous Five would shout on Billycock Hill.
Reared on football’s passions and fans screaming for blood and often death to the enemy, “Come on, Tim” or its more exotic variant “Come on, Timbo” conjures up images of ‘our Tim’ at the school sports day’s egg and spoon race.
Bra-vo Timbo!
And he’s still there. Tim’s into the second round. Bigger spoon. Bigger egg.
And bigger bra for the UK’s number 1 women star Katie O’Brien. “BRTIS BOUNCE BACK,” says the Sun, as it spots Katie looking “fit to bust” as she thrills the fans. And Tim’s through too.
And now an apology: “The Sun may in the past have given the impression that Tim was a gutless loser who embarrasses the nation. After his first round victory over Carlos Moya we would like to make it clear that he is in fact the best tennis payer in the entire universe (apart from Andy Murray).”
Come on, Tim. Shhhhhhhh…
Posted: 27th, June 2007 | In: Back pages Comments (4) | Follow the Comments on our RSS feed:RSS 2.0
Wimbledon: Andy Murray Out, Timmy Henman In, Cliff Richard On
GRAB your HRT pot shaker, golf umbrella and copy of sing-along-a Cliff Richard for today is the first day of Wimbledon.
And, as the Express announces on its front page: “TODAY IS WETTEST DAY FOR 50 YEARS.”
There are weather warnings. The weather will be “exceptional” and “horrendous.” Rivers are “saturated and swollen”. Joe Giacomelli, of the Environment Agency says: “It has been raining solidly for ten days and everywhere is saturated, so further rainfall will lead to problems.”
Not least of all for Wimbledon fans forced to endure the breaks in play and living in hope that the sniper on the apartment block roof can demist his gun sight (Look Out Sir Cliff: There’s A Sniper On The Roof) before Cliff can croon “Beware the devil woman/ She’s gonna get you from behind.”
“WIMBLEDROWN,” says the Star. “Fans face a washout at tennis.” Of course, fans of British players always face washout. And this year will be no different as the great white hope, Andy Murray, prepares to mark the Grand Slam tournament by catching up on his daytime telly viewing.
Murray is out. And more news in the Sun as the fans learn that security guards at the All England Club are to cack down on fancy dress and slogans. A selection of “wacky outfits and hats” will be banned, so too some chants.
This is a relief to one and all, not least of all the Henmaniacs who have been seeking a way out, a dignified exit from front-line Tim Henman support for years. Too bad they can’t sing “Ti-meee” over and over and on the command “Go Tim!” rattle their medication.
And with Murray also out, British tennis fans can sit well back in their seats and enjoy the spectacle.
And look. Here comes Cliff now. Shoulder umbrellas. Serve at will…
Posted: 25th, June 2007 | In: Back pages Comments (5) | Follow the Comments on our RSS feed:RSS 2.0
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