REASONS to like Arnold Schwarzenegger No. 3458:
FOR years, Arnold Schwarzenegger has denied that he ever liked Adolf Hitler. Fair enough you might think. Who wants to be the public figure who gives credit to one of history’s greatest monsters? However, now, he’s ready to talk about his admiration of Hitler because, effectively, everyone has a pretty low opinion of him anyway (especially after the whole secret love child with a nanny thing).
In his autobiography (called ‘Total Recall’, natch), Big Arnie says:
“I philosophized that only a few men are born to lead, while the rest of humanity is born to follow, and went from that into discussing history’s great conquerors and dictators,” Schwarznegger writes about a discussion with ‘Pumping Iron’ director George Butler. “I admired Hitler’s speaking ability, though not what he did with it.”
Says Arnold Schwarzenegger: “I need your clothes, your boots, and your Barclays cycle…”
WHAT you’re about to read is one of the most disturbing and potentially brilliant things you’ll ever digest. Arnold Schwarzenegger and Danny DeVito will be revisiting their awful family comedy, Twins. If that isn’t a weird enough notion in itself, they’ll be drafting Eddie Murphy for this sequel, which will be called Triplets.
Yes. You heard.
The brothers Julius and Vincent are going to discover that they have a third genetically-conceived sibling and that person just happens to be Eddie Murphy who will no doubt be itching to play as many characters in the film as he can (as opposed to, y’know, sticking to one character and making it half decent).
According to reports, Schwarzenegger, DeVito and Murphy are all signed up for this obviously terrible idea. However, it is such a godawful notion, that it will surely be a must for those among you who love watching a carcrash unfold.
IT’S bad enough that Arnold Schwarzenegger had it away with the maid and worse still that he didn’t use contraception, leaving him with a secret love child which he kept under wraps for over a decade. Then, Arnie’s wife – Maria Shriver – found out and his marriage, understandably, dissipated into the ether.
So you’d think that Arnold would be willing to pay his way to his family by way of apology, right?
CHEATING filthy secret baby-having Arnold Schwarzenegger has to admit that his marriage to Maria Shriver is over. Just like his potential. He’s peaked. His best films are behind him, he bafflingly got into a political position of power and he had a really cool wife… and he’s ballsed the lot up.
And so, wiping away his testosterone injected man-tears away while looking at his family photo-album, he’s faced with a bleak future of readymeals for one and Harry Nilsson’s ‘Without Her’ for company.
Of course, he has to make peace with himself. As he can’t say “I forgive you’ out loud to himself without it sounding threatening or hilarious, he has to go about making amends with the housekeeper he impregnated, which got him into this terrible pickle in the first place.
Joseph is 13. Mildred is 50. She has five children. She worked for the Schwarzenegger family for 20 years. Her mother also worked for them. Her sister still does. Mildred says she is not being paid for the interview.
Here are highlights of her interview:
When told that his dad was Arnie, Joseph replied, “Cool!”
BICEP brained Arnold Schwarzenegger is probably sat somewhere on his own right now, silently weeping over photographs of his family that he destroyed when he forgot to put a condom on while entering his maid and then keeping the resultant child a secret for a decade or so.
He’s probably sent texts to Maria Shriver, his soon-to-be-ex who will take him to the financial cleaners, saying ‘I can change’, which are clearly very funny if you read them aloud in his voice.
However, Maria is not interested, making it abundantly clear that there’s absolutely no chance of her giving their marriage another try.
ARNOLD Schwarzenegger – in the news for shagging Mildred Baena (photos) and having a ten year old child with behind the back of all media – was a “sexual dynamo” who, says the NoTW, “deliberately targeted unattractive women for affairs – because they worshipped him more than beautiful ones.”
The source of this is a “dossier” put together by “former Hollywood private eye Anthony Pellicano”.
In it, he opines:
“Gorgeous women intimidate Schwarzenegger because they are harder to please. He sees himself as the dominant, beautiful one.”
ARNOLD Schwarzenegger, star of True Lies and Junior, has a love child with Mildred Patricia Baena. Arnies’ wife, Maria Shriver, and Baena were both pregnant at the same time. Shriver and Arnie’s ‘s son Christopher was born on September 27, 1997. Mildred and Arnie”s child was born on October 2, 1997. They could pass for – yep, you’re well ahead of us – Twins…
ARNOLD Schwarzenegger fathered a child by a staffer named Mildren Patricia Baena, aka Patty Baena, before he began his politcal career. The story never came out until now. Who needs super injunctions when the press is the pocket of the elite? Here’s Mildred:
ARNOLD Schwarzenegger, now known as The Sperminator, has not only been shagging the help – he’s fathered a child by one worker (she’s called Mildred Patricia Baena – photos of her and a child) at his family home. The L.A. Times reports that the baby was born over ten years ago – before Arnie became a politico.
The mother had the baby and continued to work for the Family Arnie for ten years. She only retired from servicing Arnie in January. Mrs Arnie, Maria Shriver, thought the baby was fathered by the woman’s husban.
PRIME Minister David Cameron greeted Governor of California Arnold Schwarzenegger outside 10 Downing Street, today. Says Dave – and start gritting your teeth and cringing now – “He’s going to help me terminate the budget deficit.”
Or not. California has a $19 billion budget deficit. It’s been selling of civic buildings and thinking of taxing legalised marijuana. Still, good joke, Dave. Really…
CLIMATE Change heated debate in Copenhagen: Arnold Schwarzenegger Versus The BBC’s Justin Webb. Says Arnie:
“I believe technology and economic focus will overtake the political and regulatory efforts of national governments. We’re beginning on a historic, great transformation, a new economic foundation for the 21st century and beyond.
“The world’s governments alone can’t make progress, the kind of progress needed on global climate change. They need everyone coming together, working together, they need the cities, the states, the provinces and the regions.
“They need the corporations, the activists, the scientists and the universities, the individuals whose vision and determination create movement.”
On the BBC Radio 4, Justin Webb has interviewed Sir David King, King want a weather man on the Bank of England’s monetary policy committee. Webb says the scinces is not settled. He mentions the CRU emails.
SAYS David Cameroan: “My wife said to me: ‘How are you going to explain to an American audience what sort of Conservative you are?’ I said: ‘I’ll say look at me and think of Arnold Schwarzenegger’.”
David’s wife Samantha closes her eyes…
SOMETHING fitting about this: didn’t Arnie threaten to destroy the world and then, in the sequel, save it?
Hollywood “Terminator” Arnold Schwarzenegger was Tony Blair’s last guest as Prime Minister at No10 today – as Mr Blair headed for a top Middle East job.
Standing alongside the former movie star at 10 Downing Street, Mr Blair borrowed a line from one of his Terminator films to say farewell, joking: “My press officer said to me, whatever else you do this morning, don’t say: ‘I’ll be back'”
# Marc Says:
At least people knew I was an actor before I got my job
ARNOLD Schwarzenegger is to address this year’s Tory party conference. Arnie, governor of California, will tells the Blues how a breed of superior robots will kills us all. And talk on climate change.
Tory leader David Cameron tells us: “As governor, he has shown tremendous leadership. It’s great he’s coming to our party conference. I look forward to welcoming him.”
We can’t wait. Ever since the Tory party invited Kenny Everett to speak and were cheered on by the comic’s pledge “Let’s Bomb Russia!” we’ve been waiting for an encore…
“I’ll be bike,” says Arnie.
The film, “The Expendables,” will feature Arnie being the California governor.
The film which Stallone, writes, directs and stars in, features a group of mercenaries trying to overthrow a South American dictator. For added bulk it also features Dolph Lundgren.
As the Sun reports Eddie the TWIT (The Weed in Tweed) has been to an awards do.
Eddie has been handing out medals to teenagers who have completed the Duke of Edinburgh Award, Young Americans Challenge.
Details of the scheme are not given. But, as the official website tells us, the aim is for the Duke of Edinburgh’s Award “to be universally recognised and widely adopted as the best programme for the personal development of young people”.
To those American tuning in, the scheme is not dissimilar to those boot camps peopled by renegade American children. One key difference is that in this British version the nippers do not have to be stoned, drunk or massively overweight. They remain an option but not compulsory.
Other than it is all about so much team building and bonding and learning to be a better person. And getting to meet Eddie.
A highlight indeed.
It’s not everyone who gets to see the elusive royal. And we are not shocked to see that Eddie’s presence has attracted Arnold Schwarzenegger.
Arnie and Eddie look quite the team as they hand our awards in Calabasas, California.
There’s Arnie, who pretended to be soldier. And there’s Eddie, who… Well, let’s just say he joined up and failed to be back.
THE Rosetta spacecraft’s Philae lander has picked up sound on Comet 67P/Churyumov-Gerasimenko, upon which it now sits.
The ESA released tbgis audio clip of 67P/C-G singing. MNany sya it sounds a lot like Predator, the bearded Hollywood alien that tried to kill Arnold Schwarzenegger.
RIDLEY Scott’s Alien (1979) dramatically altered the template for horror films set in outer space. For example, the blockbuster film was among the first (after Dark Star  to suggest that travel in the final frontier would be the purview of “work-a-day” space truckers rather than noble explorers or adventurous astronauts.
And instead of intrepid space travelers fighting men-in-rubber suits inside idealized white-on-white space station environs (as was the case in The Green Slime ) Alien suggested a technological space age marked by endless industrial corridors and aliens of constantly shifting dimension.
The Scott film’s central alien — a bio-mechanoid horror created by H.R. Giger — could also gestate inside a living human host, and this fact ushered in a new era of cinematic “body horror.”
As with any genre blockbuster, Alien almost immediately spawned a host of knock-offs, some terrible and some quite good. These films found much material to imitate and emulate, from the diverse make-up of Alien’s victim pool, to bloody variations on Alien’s famous chest-burster birth scene. Many Alien knock-off films also involved long forgotten derelicts or other structures on alien planetary surfaces, for instance. Inevitably, human crews would discover these Lovecraftian edifices and wake up age-old horrors.
Among the Alien knock-offs of the 1980s were Scared to Death (1981), Forbidden World (1982), The Beast Within (1982), Parasite (1982), The Being (1983), and Biohazard (1985), to name just a handful.
The list below represents five of the best — or at least the most memorable– of the Alien knock-off breed. As is often the case regarding knock-offs, the best such films are invariably those that re-purpose not merely the clichés from one source – in this case — Alien — but also from other literary or cinematic works as well.
Saturn 3 (1980)
The story of a psychotic mad scientist, Captain Benson (Harvey Keitel) who travels to the Experimental Food Research Station on a moon of Saturn during a twenty-two day eclipse and communications black-out called “Shadow Lock,” the much-reviled Saturn 3 might actually be considered, first-and-foremost, a child of the Frankenstein story.
On remote Saturn 3, Benson assists two scientists working to alleviate a famine on overpopulated planet Earth. Major Adam (Kirk Douglas) and his romantic partner, the beautiful and innocent Alex (Farrah Fawcett) are wary, however, of Benson’s form of help: a colossal humanoid robot named Hector, the first of the “Demi God” series. Hector boasts human intelligence, not to mention human tissue. And echoing his creator’s madness, he soon begins lusting mightily after Alex.
Outside the space-age Frankenstein monster tropes, Saturn 3, like Alien, is set in a location where aid and assistance from the authorities is not available. Similarly, Earth in both films is depicted as a used-up dystopia. In Alien, “the company” controls everything on Earth, and in Saturn 3, humans have polluted the planet and resorted to rampant drug use because of the planet’s inhospitable nature.
Hector stands in for the titular alien, as well, and hunts down the film’s Adam and Eve-styled protagonists in the facility’s twisting factory-like corridors.
Finally, in Scott’s film, the Alien is almost entirely a creature of instinct, driven by impulses to reproduce and survive. In Saturn 3, by contrast, the monster is a machine that experiences something “human” beyond programming: psychosis and lust. Hector is ultimately beaten, however, because as a machine he can’t understand the human concept of self-sacrifice.
Galaxy of Terror (1981)
Aliens (1986) director James Cameron served as a production designer on this knock-off from Roger Corman’s New World Studios, and in the process created a universe that is very reminiscent of the Scott film, at least from a visual stand-point. Like Alien, Galaxy of Terror is set in a “lived in” universe (unlike, say the white-on-white minimalism of 2001: A Space Odyssey  or Space: 1999 [1975 – 1977].)
In Galaxy of Terror, a rescue ship, The Quest, heads to the mysterious planet called Morganthus to discover the fate of the Remus, another ship which crashed there. Once on the surface of dark Morganthus, however, the Quest crew discovers a strange alien pyramid. Soon, the crew — including characters played by Robert Englund, Sid Haig, Grace Zabriskie, and Erin Moran — begins to experience their worst fears made manifest.
In this case — if the plot summary hasn’t given it away already — Galaxy of Terror draws inspiration not only from Alien, but from Forbidden Planet (1956), a film in which another rescue mission (to Altair-4) runs afoul of a “Monster from the Id,” actually the human subconscious. That’s pretty much the case here, only with slimy monsters, doppelgangers, and a scene involving a rape by a giant alien worm.
The alien pyramid in Galaxy of Terror looks like it could have been constructed on Alien’s LV-426, and the slate gray sky above it even looks eerily similar. More trenchantly, perhaps, Galaxy of Terror’s rape scene also reflects the violent sexuality seen in Alien, the harsh re-purposing of the human body for unwholesome breeding purposes.
Also known as Horror Planet, Inseminoid is probably the schlockiest film on this list. The film stars Judy Geeson, Stephanie Beacham and Victoria Tennant as astronaut scientists, and involves the discovery of an ancient alien tomb on a far distant planet.
Before long, one astronaut, Sandy (Geeson), is impregnated by the last living alien in the tomb, and becomes the protective expectant mother of two ghastly alien twins. Her maternal instinct is re-purposed to serve an interloper’s biological imperative.
And just as Kane in Alien gives birth to the chest-burster, here Geeson gives birth to two monstrous tykes who — naturally — nurse on human blood.
Inseminoid’s central conceit is that everything on this distant alien world is “doubled.” The planet orbits twin stars, and the alien mythology is obsessed with twins, and so forth.
Although lacking tact (especially in the flashbacks to Sandy’s impregnation), Inseminoid occasionally features a beautifully composed shot, such as one on the purple surface of the distant planet during a funeral. There was also a funeral (for Kane) in Alien, but this shot of an alien vista grants the hororr film a nice sense of scope and also a visceral sense of place.
Like Alien, Inseminoid also concerns an alien species that co-opts the human race for its own reproductive requirements. Here, the aliens suckle on the (open) wounds of dead humans, and Sandy herself becomes a bit blood-thirsty as her biology is altered to play host to most unwelcome invaders.
A corporate spaceship, the Shenandoah, sets down on Titan to investigate an ancient alien archaeological site. The Shenandoah’s mission is imperiled, however, by the arrival of a ship from a competing corporation, Richter Dynamics, and the presence of its freakazoid captain, played by a scenery-chewing Klaus Kinski.
Before long, the rival crews learn that the archaeological site was actually something akin to an alien zoo or laboratory: a collection of diverse aliens from all over the universe. Unfortunately, one managed to break free from its captivity and is now attacking and brainwashing human beings…
Creature — while ripping off Alien lock, stock and barrel — also offers a number of notable fan touches. The film’s Ripley equivalent is Beth Sladen (Wendy Schaal), and her name seems like a nod to Elisabeth Sladen, who accompanied Tom Baker’s Fourth Doctor in Doctor Who on several dangerous adventures in space in TV serials such as “Ark in Space” and “Planet of Evil.” The film also quotes dialogue directly from — again – Forbidden Planet.
Additionally, the key to destroying the unleashed zoo specimen in Creature is Sladen’s knowledge of Howard Hawks’ The Thing (1951). She remembers that — in the movie’s last act — the imperiled humans electrocuted an invading alien.
These and other tributes assure that Creature can be contextualized as more than mere Alien knock-off.
Finally, Creature also revives the “corporate” culture social critique underlying the Scott film. In this case, the rival spaceships are involved in what the film’s dialogue calls “a fierce race for commercial supremacy.”
Even in space — with drooling, brainwashing aliens out and about — the ultimate enemy is…big business.
John McTiernan’s 1987 adventure/horror movie is actually part-Rambo (1985) and part-Aliens (1986), and is the best film on this list, by far. Still, much of its energy seems derived from the Alien aesthetic.
Here, we get the remote location (a jungle in Central America instead of outer space), an alien — with a similarly distinctive jaw-line — that cuts down one human at a time, and is a kind of alpha or apex predator.
The alien in Scott’s film was the ultimate survivor, able to breed and survive in any setting. The alien, by contrast, in Predator is the universe’s greatest hunter, a characterization that sets up a conflict with planet Earth’s greatest warrior, Dutch, played by Arnold Schwarzenegger.
But the real commonality between Alien and Predator arises in a mid-story surprise and revelation of conspiracy. In Alien, the Nostromo’s science officer, Ash (Ian Holm), protects the alien all along, and considers the rest of the human crew “expendable,” on secret orders from the Company.
In Predator, Dillon (Carl Weathers), an ambitious military officer, uses the cover of a rescue mission to get Dutch’s men into a position where they can acquire important documents about “the enemy.” As in Alien, the soldiers serving under Dutch are thus considered “expendable.”
Neither Ripley nor Dutch respond well when they expose the secret conspiracy, and the conspirator. In Predator, however, Dillon gets a shot at redemption, and Ash gets…decapitated.
YOU know you’re a politician when you’ve been egged. And it can hurt. Get one in the head like Ruth Kelly, and kapow! Hard boil them, and the egg becomes a potentially lethal missile. But, then, it lacks the punchline. You know, the yolk. (‘Ouch’ – ed):