The X Factor 12: The Infectious Olly Murs, Bronze Age Danyl Johnson And Acid Kandy Rain
WE’RE down to the last dozen in the X Factor. Anorak gives you pen portraits of the runners and riders:
OVER 25s
Olly Murs – Say his name quickly and it sounds like a child hood infection. “Oh, yes,” says the mum at the school gates. “He’s got Olly Murs, all over his back and groin.” One day everyone will want Olly Murs. But with Robbie Williams still around that day is not any time soon.
Danyl Johnson – That Danyl spells his name with a ‘y’ is the first and second most interesting thing about him. The third most remarkable thing is that when he sings he actually makes himself wince. He also looks like a Bronze Age version of Will Young trying to light a fire with his stare.
Jamie Archer – Jamie has huge hair. Vote now and often to keep Jamie on the stage so that no-one ever has to sit behind him at a concert, film or on a bus.
BOYS
Joe McElderry – The north east’s answer Marti Pellow - if the question was, “What’s wetter than Marti Pellow?”
Lloyd Daniels – Blessed with an expression that says he left his geography homework on the bus and doesn’t care who knows it. Lloyd Daniels sounds a bit like Danielle Lloyd, the nation’s sweetheart. Look out for Lloyd taking his top off and setting off on a jinking run through the Spurs ladies football team.
Rikki Loney – He’s the cat in the hat. Rikki wears a hat because a) he’s going bald; b) it was his dying mum’s last wish; c) anything that distract you from his voice is worth a try; d) it’s what Michael Jackson would have wanted.
GIRLS
Stacey Solomon – The winner.
Rachel Adedegi – Devoid of the girly prettiness that the likes of her mentor Dannii Minogue pays big bucks for, Rachel needs to actually rely on her singing to win the X Factor. As such, she is shafted - but looks more than capable of wiping the smirk from any winner’s face – literally (right, Dermot?).
Lucie Jones – Lucie is Welsh. The Welsh, as we are often told are to singing what the Canadians are to seal clubbing. Lucie’s Welshness should secure her lots of votes from her army of Welsh fans who will drape themselves in dragon-themed flags to say how proud they are of Lucie, how all of Wales is praying for her and how Wales - did we mention wales? – is all about the singing, as anyone who has heard Cardiff fans giving full throat to “He’s sad, he’s fat, He is a f*cking twat, Leighton James, Leighton James…” will tunefully attest.
GROUPS
Kandy Rain – They used to be strippers. One of them used to do porn. If you thought stripping porn stars couldn’t sing you have not heard Kandy Rain. One listen and you’ll know…
Miss Frank – The name suggests a drag act. The music suggests being dragged out to a drunken night in a local karaoke bar.
John & Edward – When they Come to make Midwich Cuckoos The Musical, John and Edward will be shoo-ins for at least two of the lead roles. Hateful. Terrible. Depressing. Pretty much why the show is a hit.
The X Factor - making tomorrow’s has-beens…
Posted: 5th, October 2009 | In: Celebrities, Key Posts Comment | Follow the Comments on our RSS feed:RSS 2.0
Katie Price And Peter Andre Write Christmas Books
KATIE Price and Peter Andre are planning to set the record straight about their divorce by each writing a book.
Katie and Peter will vie to be the nation’s sweetheart, a title which Anorak believes is currently held by Danielle Lloyd.
When Katie Twittered “I am keeping a dignified silence“, we were crestfallen. But we have been patient and now at last after a deafening silence Katie will summon her ghost writer and tell instruct him: “Whryt.”
Posted: 1st, October 2009 | In: Celebrities, Key Posts Comments (2) | Follow the Comments on our RSS feed:RSS 2.0
Imogen Thomas And Danielle Lloyd’s Premiership League Table
HOPES are that Big Brother strumpet emeritus Imogen Thomas has fully recovered from celebrity swine flu as she steps out with Tottenham Hotspur and England footballer Jermaine Defoe.
Anorak’s Contagion Watch team spotted Thomas (left) and Defoe (right) at London’s Nobu Berkeley eatery, before they moved on to a casino.
We trust that both venues have been disinfected and spritzed with mixture of chip fat, collagen and Vimto.
As Anorak readers know, the celebrity circuit works on a points system, with Danielle Lloyd and Imogen Thomas grading all Spurs footballers out of nine.
Imogen has trained with: Lee Trundle, Dwight Yorke, Cristiano Ronaldo, Danny Simpson, Nery Castillo, Ibrahim Sonko and Jemaine Defoe.
Posted: 10th, July 2009 | In: Celebrities Comment (1) | Follow the Comments on our RSS feed:RSS 2.0
Harry Potter And The Half-Blood Prince Premiere Pictures
ANROAK is at the London premier of Harry Potter And The Half-Blood Prince. And we’ve got pictures of the other freeloaders:
Posted: 7th, July 2009 | In: Celebrities Comment | Follow the Comments on our RSS feed:RSS 2.0
Danielle Lloyd Jumped On By Hoodie
GORDON Smart - the Sun’s in-house estate agent- showbiz PR hybrid – is dwelling on hard-to-like Danielle Lloyd’s “brush with disaster” and how it “provided the inspiration for a spectacularly ill-advised brainwave from a sportswear firm trying to make a few quid”.
Given that Smart’s Bizarre column is a glorified puff piece for the music and telly industries , this PR shocker must be really shocking.
Posted: 28th, May 2009 | In: Celebrities Comments (2) | Follow the Comments on our RSS feed:RSS 2.0
Anorak Insider Saves Danielle Lloyd’s Leg
THE story so far: glamour model Danielle Lloyd and Spurs’ therapist has hurt her leg. Now read on…
MODEL DANIELLE LLOYD nearly lost a leg after crashing through a glass table in a drunken brawl, it was revealed yesterday.
Posted: 27th, May 2009 | In: Celebrities Comment | Follow the Comments on our RSS feed:RSS 2.0
Danielle Lloyd In Cosmectic Surgery Fight
THAT’S “SOCCER Wag” DANIELLE LLOYD on the floor outside London’s Crystal club.
She “writhes in agony outside a nightspot yesterday — tended by fellow clubbers splattered with HER blood after a savage brawl”.
Posted: 26th, May 2009 | In: Celebrities Comments (4) | Follow the Comments on our RSS feed:RSS 2.0
DANIELLE Lloyd has been “punched in the face”. As the Sun says:
WAG DANIELLE LLOYD was punched in the face in a brawl over her Spurs star boyfriend JAMIE O’HARA. The 25-year-old model suffered a cut lip as trouble flared with pals of Jamie’s ex SADE METCALFE.
Sade is an “aspiring model” who, as the story goes, says Dani stole Jamie. And the trio came together in a fighti fighti at a clubbie-wubbi.
Posted: 5th, May 2009 | In: Celebrities Comments (2) | Follow the Comments on our RSS feed:RSS 2.0
Danielle Lloyd’s New Tattoo Glows In The Dark
DANIELLE Lloyd has filled time between footballers by getting a tattoo. You can now read Danielle as she perches on the end of your coffee table. The tattoo says:
Quis attero mihi tantum planto mihi validus
Want to know that it means?
To diminish me will only make me stronger.
Posted: 8th, April 2009 | In: Celebrities Comments (3) | Follow the Comments on our RSS feed:RSS 2.0
Michael Jackson Plays Jade Goody’s Funeral
JADE Goody: Anorak’s at-a-glance look at Jade Goody’s post-reality career, with Michaele Jackson, without Jordan and Jack’s new pad…
Daily Star: “JACKO: I’LL BE AT JADE’S FUNERAL”
Michael Jackson is set to lead a host of mourners at Jade Goody’s funeral after promising her husband Jack Tweed he will be there. Thriller singer Michael, 50, is set to make lifelong Jacko fan Jade’s dreams come true by attending the service.
Posted: 30th, March 2009 | In: Celebrities, Key Posts Comments (2) | Follow the Comments on our RSS feed:RSS 2.0
JADE Goody: Anorak’s at-a-glance look at Jade Goody’s post-reality career, with Jack’s grief,
Daily Mirror: “I cannot bear to be alone – Jack’s Grief for Jade”
Is Kerry Katona single yet? Danielle Lloyd?
“Jack ‘will go to pieces’ if left alone” - Jade Goody’s husband Jack Tweed can’t bear to spend any time alone and is desperately trying to fill every waking moment with friends and family, pals said yesterday.
A source close to the 21-year-old added that as soon as they leave, he “goes to pieces”.
When he’s alone the newly widowed man goes to pieces. How do they know that, then?
Asked how he was coping, he simply shook his head.
Posted: 25th, March 2009 | In: Celebrities, Key Posts Comments (10) | Follow the Comments on our RSS feed:RSS 2.0
Danielle Lloyd Reaches Out For Rihanna
RIHANNA is beaten up by her boyfriend, Chris Brown, allegedly, and gets new job as the spokesperson for domestic violence. She has kicked Brown to the kerb, and in the throat, and will tell all in a court of law.
It’s the Enquirer’s “RIHANNA BOMBSHELL”. Well, not quite. The big news is that Brown has taken anger management courses. His anger will be managed and very possibly get its own agent and a contract as WWWF’s The Rihannator.
Posted: 3rd, March 2009 | In: Celebrities Comments (6) | Follow the Comments on our RSS feed:RSS 2.0
Sinderella Danielle Lloyd’s Giant Pumpkin
HAPPY birthday Danielle Lloyd. Come in number 25, your time is now.
Not that Dani looks a day older than 24 - testament to the preservative powers of Dani’s daily dip in a vat of Ronseal sunset orange.
Inside the Star and Dani is kissing faces in Faces, one of Essex’s leading nightspots.
There’s Dani flashing her frilly knickers. There’s Dani flashing her pumped up cleavage. There’s Dani dressed as a slutty Sinderella playing with a chap’s buttons.
And - get this – she’s only gone and lost her shoes, just like the real Cinders!
Posted: 16th, December 2008 | In: Celebrities Comments (2) | Follow the Comments on our RSS feed:RSS 2.0
Nicola McLean Employs The Danielle Lloyd Defence In Trial As The New Kerry Katona
NICOLA McLean and her Jordans are out of the Celebrity jungle and winding down, literally, in an Australian hotel. Is she the new Kerry Katona?
What next for Skippy gonad nosher Nicola? Can roo gonads be frozen and placed into an Iceland pie? Would they impove the texture?
First up, Nicola has to read her “hate mail” and tell Star readers:
“Others wrote ‘cover up you slag’ and some said I was a bully.”
As is the way with any celebrity accused of bullying, the accused should explain at great length that they were bullied at school:
“I was bullied at primary school quite badly. So I would never bully anyone.”
Posted: 5th, December 2008 | In: Celebrities Comments (2) | Follow the Comments on our RSS feed:RSS 2.0
Danielle Lloyd Puts The Varnish On Irresistible Talent
IS there more than one Danielle Lloyd?
The orangey, non-racist Scouser has Danielle Lloyd has lent her name to a new glamour modelling agency called… Irresistible Talent.
Like a pot of Ronseal the agency does exactly what it says on the tin - its finds talent that is impossible to resist.
Posted: 30th, October 2008 | In: Celebrities, Danielle Lloyd Comments (2) | Follow the Comments on our RSS feed:RSS 2.0
Cheryl Cole’s Water Retention And Karma Suits Yer
CHERYL COLE wants you to know that “I CAN’T CRY ANY MORE THAN I’VE CRIED.”
Cheryl Cole has suffered, although not from water retention.
“I WAS CLINICALLY DEPRESSED AND UNDER SIX STONE,” says the headline.
Moving inside OK!, past “CHERYL WALKS AND TALKS” to Cheryl weeps and wails.
It’s not all about Cheryl, and this is a feature on she and her Girls Aloud bandmates. And we will get to whatsherface, the skinny one, the very skinny one and the one with the red-hair soon enough.
Posted: 24th, September 2008 | In: Celebrities, OK! Comments (4) | Follow the Comments on our RSS feed:RSS 2.0
Italian Virgin For Sale And Danielle Lloyd’s On Offer
SHOWGIRL, mo-del and Big Brother star emeritus Raffella Fico, 20, tells Italian magazine Chi:
“I can’t wait to see who’s going to pull out the money to have me. I don’t know what it’s like to have sex.”
Miss Fico is selling her virginity.
Now over to the UK, where Danille Lloyd is on the Star’s cover page: “DANI LLOYD – She’s naked & wants you.”
Since Danielle swore off footballers, she’s been looking for a new gig. And it might be you. Inside the paper and Danielle is offering Star readers the chance to win a date with here.
Posted: 18th, September 2008 | In: Celebrities, Danielle Lloyd, Money, Strange But True Comments (9) | Follow the Comments on our RSS feed:RSS 2.0
Danielle Lloyd Is Engaged To DJ Ironik’s PR
DANIELLE Lloyd is the Star’s strumpet-in-residence. And ever when there is no news about our Dani, and she’s between chests, you can create some copy.
Here’s the latest news on Dani’s associate DJ Ironick, to whom she is engaged.
The former Celebrity Big Brother contestant quietly began dating DJ Ironik just months ago and the pair wasted no time getting engaged - Daily Mail
Then:
Posted: 12th, September 2008 | In: Celebrities, Danielle Lloyd, Tabloids Comments (4) | Follow the Comments on our RSS feed:RSS 2.0
Danielle Lloyd’s Neck Is Long Over Jew
DANIELLE Lloyd has had a new tattoo inked (etched?) down the nape of her orangey-brown neck.
This is “Dani’s Posh new tattoo,” says the Star.
For those of you reading Danielle from the rear, the tattoo spells: “Only god can judge me.”
Posted: 9th, September 2008 | In: Celebrities, Danielle Lloyd, Posh and Becks, Tabloids Comments (22) | Follow the Comments on our RSS feed:RSS 2.0
CELEBRITY news of the day: Danielle Lloyd’s Got Wood
“And the 24-year-old tells us that Playboy boss Hugh Hefner, 83, is such a fan of hers, she’s in talks with him to create her very own version of Hollywood – Daniwood – up in the hills”
- Daily Star, Goss Girls
Posted: 2nd, September 2008 | In: Celebrities, Danielle Lloyd, Tabloids Comments (3) | Follow the Comments on our RSS feed:RSS 2.0
