Large Hadron Collider Brings Back Satan And Kills Everyone Again
THE Large Hadron Collider has been plugged in and switched on. This means that with the Satan Machine alive you are either a) dead; b) about to die; c) living in a world without Switzerland; d) carrying on.
Read our history of the Large Hadron Collider, which is now killing everyone for a second time…
Posted: 21st, November 2009 | In: Media Comment | Follow the Comments on our RSS feed:RSS 2.0
Madeleine McCann Is Every Parent’s Bogeyman
MADDIE WATCH - Anorak’s at-a-glance guide to press coverage of Madeleine McCann: Michael White’s poppy pornography and Our Spanish Maddie keeps Shannon Kyle in work.
FIRST up, the Guardian’s Michael White tells us about how the “pornography of grief has devalued poignancy of the poppy” and how Madeleine McCann is implicated in it:
The Victorians made a lot of fuss over death too. Just look at those tombstones: exotic, even erotic, in old cemeteries. But at least it was the deaths of their own loved ones they were mourning. Death was everywhere all the time before the development of modern antibiotics.
Now death sits in rest homes, impatiently waiting for life to finish swirling round the plug hole.
We, who have so little experience of it by comparison, have forgotten how to handle the great unknown in a largely godless age. Hence the macabre fuss over Princess Di, over missing Madeleine McCann and over poor, abused Jade Goody too.
Jade Goody gets two adjectives; Our Maddie gets none.
After White, the Guardian gives space to Shannon Kyle to deliver yet another of those Odes To Parenting, in which Our Maddie is the parent’s bogeyman:
Posted: 13th, November 2009 | In: Madeleine McCann Comments (2) | Follow the Comments on our RSS feed:RSS 2.0
Mr Cheryl Cole: Ashley Cole Explains His XXXX XXX Factor
ASHLEY COLE is hard to like for any number of reasons. In a bid to find a new one, the NoTW interviews Mr Cheryl Cole in “THE FALL AND RISE”.
Cole has been here before, trying to be unloved in print. In his book My Defence – is there any evidence Cole read it, let alone wrote it? – the former Arsenal player described the build up to his transfer to Chelsea
My heart and soul was tied to Arsenal with a fisherman’s knot. I don’t think even Houdini could have unravelled it. Not for one minute did I see myself leaving…That was before something precious was smashed into tiny pieces.
Can you smash a knot? You can. Because in his book, Cole was the unluckiest man in the world.
“A brief meeting with Pini Zahavi was interrupted by a knock on the door. In walked the Chelsea manager and chief executive, there was general chit-chat and then we left.”
But that might have been the best bit. Having talked weather, crockery and plate tectonics with Jose Mourinho, the then Chelsea manager, Cole delivered the delightfully struck own goal (cut this out and print it on a T-shirt):
“One telephone call changed everything about how I viewed and felt about Arsenal. ‘Ash! Are you listening? I’m here in the office and David Dein is saying they aren’t going to give you £60k a week. They’ve agreed £55k and this is their best and final offer. Are you happy with that?’ I nearly swerved off the road. ‘He is taking the piss, Jonathan!’ I yelled down the phone. I was so incensed, I was trembling with anger. I couldn’t believe what I’d heard’.”
No ready to meet Ashley Cole again in print, we read on:
The first thing you notice is the smile. Full wattage, main beam, constant. Then there’s the tone of voice. Quiet, philosophical, accepting. No snarl, no swagger, no excuses. Just complete honesty in an attempt to state his case, not change anybody’s perceptions of him.
Do you want more? Neil Ashton seems to be auditioning for the job as ghost writer on Cole’s next tome:
The world’s finest full-back content to let people make their own judgements of him without any hint of rancour.
Very big of him.
There are ground rules. No questions about Cheryl - “the missus” - and no air-brushing.
Cheryl mentioned. Cheryl unmentioned.
If, after this interview, Cole is still demonised, so be it.
Demonised? It’s wasn’t Ashley Cole’s fault he looks like a vomitous greedy so-and-so, it was ours.
“I will be retired in five or six years and then the people who hate me can move on to someone else.”
Do they have to move on?
“Getting arrested last March was my lowest point. It was like a domino effect, with one thing after another. When I was in the police cell for five hours I could see the headlines and it was like I was the devil man.”
Sympathy for the Devil, if you please:
He was arrested by police when he emerged from The Collection nightclub in Kensington, handcuffed after swearing at preying paparazzi. Then he was plastered all over newspapers for all the wrong reasons.
Read about that here.
He was fined £80 for a public order offence after his brush with the law. “I swore at the paparazzi, but the policewoman took offence,” he adds.
And then – and remember this is the Ashley Cole who compared himself to being a “slave”:
At times he still feels like a prisoner, trapped in his own home because a night out is just one misplaced word away from trouble.
Ashley Cole is a virtual prisoner because if he goes out and behaves badly or illegally – there is talk he even cheated on his wife, twice - he gets in trouble.
He accepts his salary and the lifestyle that goes with being married to the nation’s favourite pop star has its downfalls.
Anyone else weeping? And then this:
“It’s my private life. I don’t actually want any publicity or go looking for it, I just want to play football and quietly get on with my life.”
So says Ashley Cole, who brought to the market his autobiography (serialised in the Times) and advertised the National Lottery and sold his wedding to OK! magazine.
And in case you feel that Ashley is still not a victim, he cocks an ear to the football fans:
“They take it too far, but it’s not just me. What they say about our wives, our mums our families is nasty. We have to put up with that. It affects me. I can hear them and I will think ‘How can they sing that?’
“There are times when I want to turn around and say ‘Do you actually understand what you’re saying?’ but if you do that you let them win. That’s why there is a perception that we are detached from the fans. We feel powerless.”
Powerless. Ashley Cole feels powerless. It’s not him. It’s the powers that be…
Posted: 25th, October 2009 | In: Sports Comment (1) | Follow the Comments on our RSS feed:RSS 2.0
Katie Price And Peter Andre Come Together Over Stacy Solomon
GREAT news that Katie Price and Peter Andre have agreed to agree that X Factor singer Stacy Solomon is their fave. They‘ve had their rows…
…But the bubbly Dagenham girl has brought them together and they’ve both raved about how sweet she is.
X Factor host Dermot O’Leary says Stacey is “the new Jade Goody”, which should mean we see Pete jogging along with “STACEY” daubed on his arm.
In other news the Sun says:
JORDAN took a leaf out of Cheryl Cole’s book today with her choice of outfit. The glamour model, real name Katie Price, decided to wear a military style jacket which was strikingly similar to the one the X Factor judge put on for her performance on Sunday.
If Katie can lose some layers, show more flesh, shag a vomitous footballer and sing along to a backing tape, she can be “the new Cheryl Cole”, or the old one.
Over in the Daily Star, the front page news is sensational:
“Jordan: Peter & I shared our marriage bed with another woman.”
Posted: 21st, October 2009 | In: Celebrities Comments (2) | Follow the Comments on our RSS feed:RSS 2.0
Jade Goody’s Mum Jackiey Is A Damn Lady, Attacks Jeff Brazier
A MISSIVE from Jade Goody Industries drops through the post box, containing the latest minutes of the AGM, as told to the News of The World by the Goody Mum.
The chairman, Max Clifford, introduces the board members to today’s agenda:
JADE Goody’s distraught mum Jackiey fears she’ll lose her two precious grandchildren for ever after an explosive row with their dad Jeff Brazier. She begged her tragic daughter’s ex not to stop her seeing the boys, pleading…
Jackiey Bidden, for it is she, raises to her feet, as best she is able, and delivers:
“You HAVE to understand. . . Jack lost a wife, I lost a daughter and Bobby and Freddie lost a mum - you never lost anything! I’m NOT living without the boys. Please Jeff, you CAN’T cut me off from them, they’re all I have left of Jade.”
The shareholders – members of the tabloid press – fidget in their seats. It’s good news but can the Jade Goody brand survive a schism? Will Jackiey be able to work the Jade goody mines alone?
An institutional shareholder, News International, stands up and announces:
Bisexual ex-junkie Jackiey Budden, 51, (pictured above) spoke out after the News of the World revealed that GMTV star Brazier vowed to BAN widowed stepdad Jack Tweed from contact with his sons - aged six and four - and threatened to RESTRICT their access to their gran.
His move followed 22-year-old Tweed’s arrest on a rape charge and Jackiey’s shameful drunken rant in a Tenerife bar where she bragged of using the F-word to discipline the kids.
Now Jackiey is addressing the investors:
“I used to scream, shout and swear. But I’m not like that any more. I’ve become a lady.”
Later adding:
“Jeff knows damn well I don’t let those boys swear. I would never dare look at my grandchildren and say ‘F*** off!‘ They’re good boys. But Jeff didn’t wait and he didn’t listen, he just jumped on the bandwagon.”
Posted: 18th, October 2009 | In: Celebrities Comment | Follow the Comments on our RSS feed:RSS 2.0
Separated At Birth: Jade Goody And Kelly Clarkson
REALITY TV show winner Kelly Clarkson (American Idol), seen here modelling her new fashion inspiration is channelling the late reality tv show winner Jade Goody (Big Brother)…
Posted: 6th, October 2009 | In: Celebrities Comment (1) | Follow the Comments on our RSS feed:RSS 2.0
Lags Try To Get Suicidal Jack Tweed A Razor
IT’S been a while since Mr Jade Goody, Jack Tweed, was the tabloids’ “Brave Jack“. Now he’s:
BLUBBERING Jack Tweed is going through hell as lags egg him on him to top himself.
Posted: 28th, September 2009 | In: Celebrities Comment | Follow the Comments on our RSS feed:RSS 2.0
Jack Tweed’s Suicide Watch With Jade Goody
JACK Tweed says he wants to kill himself. In “JACK: I WANT TO KILL MYSELF”, the News of The World places Mr Jade Goody on suicide watch – “nor death shall us part”.
Beneath a picture of Tweed, readers are told:
QUIET NIGHT IN: Prison beans and orange squash is far from Jack Tweed’s usual Champagne style
One would venture that Tweed is sipping on “prison orange squash”. But we should not interrupt the facts as Jack’s mum, Mary Tweed, tells her story to the tabloids, and so – finally! – welcomes a bona fide outlet of Jade Goody Industries.
THE distraught mum of rape charge widower Jack Tweed told yesterday of her torment at seeing her “baby” in prison and hearing him threaten to take his own life.
Posted: 27th, September 2009 | In: Celebrities, Gallery, Key Posts Comment | Follow the Comments on our RSS feed:RSS 2.0
Katie Price Rape: Prince Charles And Kinky Sex
KATIE Price Rape: Starring Princess Diana, Prince Charles, Jordan, Tony Parsons, Peter Andre’s kinky boots and a sex shop…
TONY Parsons would like to tell us “Why Jordan is our new Princess Diana.”
Is it because Peter Andre is shagging tampon-featured Camilla on the back seat of a 1978 Jensen Interceptor? Parsons has more questions of his own ask:
How did Jordan become the most despised woman in the country? Any other woman who revealed that she had been raped would be treated with a degree of human compassion.
Diana was raped? Parsons goes on:
She may go off the Ibiza rails every once in a while but she is no worse than the average binge-drinking young Brit.
Posted: 19th, September 2009 | In: Celebrities, Gallery, Key Posts Comment | Follow the Comments on our RSS feed:RSS 2.0
Katie Price’s Alleged Rapist Speaks Out
KATIE Price says she was raped by a “very famous” celebrity and the clues to the rapist’s identity come thicker and faster than Jack Tweed on his way to jail.
Whoooa! Tweed is not the rapist; he’s innocent. That is a fact. Other top celebrities who did not rape Katie Price include Michael Jackson, James Dean, Bobby Charlton, Susan Boyle, the Queen Mother and Nookie Bear.
The Daily Mirror takes up the cry of the nation and screams from its front page: “TELL US WHO RAPED YOU.”
Defiant Jordan yesterday told police they were wasting their time trying to get her to name the star she alleges raped her.
Detectives vowed to probe the sex attack allegations and asked her to tell them who the celebrity was. They said: “If you make an official complaint, we will investigate this crime.”
Posted: 18th, September 2009 | In: Celebrities, Gallery, Key Posts Comments (8) | Follow the Comments on our RSS feed:RSS 2.0
Patrick Swayze Is Not Dead, Timeline Of A Star’s Death
PATRICK Swayze has died. No news of his death in today’s papers.
“Someone shouts out, ‘Patrick Swayze is dead!’ and you’re thrown into action straight away,” says Ciara Hunt, Hello! Canada’s editor-in-chief.
In May this year, news of Swayze’s death was followed by a picture of him sat beside his wife Lisa Niemi in a buccolic setting. In March 2008, the National Enquirer gace Swayze five weeks to live.
Such is the drive to screm “First” when a star dies that OK! didn’t let the fact that Jade Goody was still breathing to announce the death, and TMZ just gave an educated guess at Michael Jackson’s state of being, and got lucky.
In May 2009, Swayze died on a Miami radio station.
Entertainment Tonight Canada’s senior executive producer Tamara Simoneau, what people write on their blogs and Twitter accounts is not by any means journalism: “Twitter is the technological rumour mill. It’s a great way for getting our anchors in touch with their audience, but I wouldn’t believe a story that I read on a blog.”
So is Patrick Swayze dead?
“Patrick Swayze passed away peacefully today with family at his side after facing the challenges of his illness for the last 20 months,” said a statement by his publicists Annett Wolf.
Posted: 15th, September 2009 | In: Celebrities, Gallery, Key Posts Comment (1) | Follow the Comments on our RSS feed:RSS 2.0
England WAGs Caster Semenya Make Over, In Pictures
England WAGs Caster Semenya Make Over, In Pictures
UPDATE: Caster Semenya Has ‘Internal Testes’ And ‘No Womb’
IT was always going to take something huge to push war and Katie Price off the tabloids’ front page, and last night it happened: England qualified for the World Cup finals in South Africa.
Newspapers rejoice. Next summer will be a halcyon time when the news comes to you every day and after a period of 90 minutes plus injury time, full of key facts, exotic names and hate figures.
And there are the WAGS, who we will follow from the moment they pop a boiled sweet into mouths at 30,000ft, through the shops and into the stands to gossip on phones and ask each other what the score is. And watch out for Victoria Beckham’s Caster Semenya makeover.
Posted: 10th, September 2009 | In: Gallery, Key Posts, Sports Comment | Follow the Comments on our RSS feed:RSS 2.0
Jack Tweed ‘Sex Attack’ Caught On Camera, Jade Goody Returns
HAPPY days at the Jack Tweed Fan Club where their man is no longer Mr Jade Goody. Thanks to an alleged rape Jack Tweed is becoming his own celebrity, as the Daily Star screams from its front page:
“JACK ‘RAPE’ CAUGHT ON FILM”
No mention of Jade. Indeed, Jack Tweed is now so famous that he is simply “JACK”. The news does come equipped with a picture of Jade Goody, aka Mrs Jack Tweed, but the impetus is with Jack.
Anorak had long wondered how the Jade Goody brand would be kept alive? There was talk of Joe Malone embalming fluids and a Big Brother special. But it was all a bit thin. But now thanks to Jack we can look forward a sex tape. Or not:
Jack Tweed’s alleged rape attack could have been caught on a mobile phone camera.
Posted: 7th, September 2009 | In: Celebrities, Key Posts Comments (5) | Follow the Comments on our RSS feed:RSS 2.0
Mr Jade Goody, Jack Tweed, In Media Roasting
JACK Tweed has been arresteted and charged with raping a 19-year-old woman. Having been know for too long as Mr Jade Goody, Jack seems to be finally making headway as a jobbing celebrity:
THE Sun (front page): “JACK TWEED RAPE ARREST”
Finally Jack Tweed is his own man…
“MOMENT COPS NICK JADE WIDOW FOR ‘SEX ATTACK’”
Posted: 5th, September 2009 | In: Celebrities Comments (4) | Follow the Comments on our RSS feed:RSS 2.0
Jack Tweed Escapes Unnoticed, Jade Goody’s Name Sullied
MR Jade Goody, Jack Tweed, of Jade Goody Industries – In Mortis Endeavour - has been pinched for allegedly raping a 19-year-old he met in The Embassy, London’s slap and pap club.
So who is Jack Tweed to the media at large? Having taken part in a concerted campaign to become a jobbing celebrity, has Max Clifford’s magic worked for Our Jack? Let’s take a look:
Contact Music: “JADE GOODY - GOODY’S HUSBAND HELD OVER ‘SEX ATTACK’”
EntertainmentWise: “Jade Goody’s Widower Jack Tweed Arrested Over Teen Rape Allegations”
Posted: 4th, September 2009 | In: Celebrities Comments (4) | Follow the Comments on our RSS feed:RSS 2.0
Large Hadron Collider Sparks Sex Craze
WHEN the devilish Large Hadron Collider fired up – briefly – the world stood on the brink of end.
Switzerland was doomed - such a waste of all that tidying. Austria would be next. But the destruciton would not end there - and the world would notice.
In Brisbane, Australia teenagers saw it as the time for one last goodbye note. Keen to leave a legacy to aliens in future millennia future, two students aged between 13 and 15 were filmed engaged in sex acts in the toilets during school hours.
It is understood the girl wanted to lose her virginity to the boy - believing that the world was about to end. Another student filmed the sex acts on his mobile phone… and then circulated it around the school and the wider community via bluetooth.
There is talk of criminal proceedings for recording and distributing the images
But these images are not cartoons, so such a prosecution is unlikely in the land Down Under – beneath the Doomsday Machine…
The Large Hadron Collider Has Killed Everyone
Hadron Collider Used To Bring Satan Back
Large Hadron Collider: We Might Not all Die, Says BBC
Large Hadron Collider: New Labour’s Theme Song To Armageddon
Satan Bug: The Large Hadron Collider
Up And Atom: The Large Hadron Collider Sex Aide
The One About The Hadron Collider And Jade Goody
Posted: 4th, September 2009 | In: Media, Scare Stories Comments (2) | Follow the Comments on our RSS feed:RSS 2.0
Armed Police Called To Big Brother Nigger Row
IN “Death of Big Brother”, Daily Star readers who may have mistaken the show for a morbid study of the bits left in the bath after the rest of life has swirled down the plughole, are told that it is an amazingly entertaining thing.
There was a “nigger row, live sex and bullying”. In short, all the elements of a successful big Brother were there, but they just weren’t broadcast.
BIG Brother’s sexiest babe claims TV bosses have covered up racism and bullying to avoid another Jade Goody scandal. Fiery Noirin Kelly says that since Channel 4 axed the 24-hour live feed, viewers are not seeing what’s really going on.
Posted: 21st, August 2009 | In: Big Brother, Celebrities, Key Posts Comment (1) | Follow the Comments on our RSS feed:RSS 2.0
Shilpa Shetty Launches Goody Gracious Me Cutty Sauce Range
WHAT began as parody becomes truth as Shilpa Shetty launches her Goody Gracious Me range of curries, chutneys and pickles in honour, nay, tribute, to Jade Goody.
To begin, dishy Shilpa “will bring to market her own brand of poppadoms“.
It’s good to see that Shilpa has moved on from being called Shilpa Poppadom and used her Jade-fed fame to do good deeds and expand her career.
Big Brother watchers will recall how Jade’s “nan” was in the BB house at the time. There is more to come from multi-talented Shilpa.
Posted: 20th, August 2009 | In: Celebrities Comments (2) | Follow the Comments on our RSS feed:RSS 2.0
Peter Andre Heads Home To Australia
LOOK out girls and gonads, Peter Andre is heading back into the ITV jungle studio, where the first laid hands on Katie Price.
The Star says:
“PETER Andre will make a sensational return to the I’m A Celebrity jungle to bury the ghosts of his past… He is determined that the jaunt Down Under will help mend his broken heart.”
Is this the same Peter Andre who has moved on? A source looks to set things straight:
“It’s going to be a ratings winner. The public loves Peter and they’d love nothing more than to see him back in the jungle.”
Indeed, sending Peter Andre back to a small brightly lit clearing in Australia is high on many music fans’ wish list. If we can achieve it with love, then let us do so. Peter, we love you. We really love you. We also love Noel Edmonds, Anthea Turner as we once loved Victoria Beckham and Madonna. Love is about letting go, Pete. That’s real love.
Posted: 19th, August 2009 | In: Celebrities, Key Posts Comments (2) | Follow the Comments on our RSS feed:RSS 2.0
Chloe Madeley Is Charged In Hampstead
CHLOE Madeley, daughter to TV’s Richard Madeley and Judy Finnigan’s – of Richard & Judy’s Wine Club - has been charged with drink driving after her Peugeot 206 was found overturned Meadway Close, Golders Green, close to her mum and dad’s house.
Madeley! Chaaaaarge!
At the scene was no sign of Chloe. She’d either not been driving the car or gone. No breathalyzer nor drugs swab at the scene – earlier in the year Chloe was pictured puffing on a bong.
You roll a spliff. You roll a car. Cannabis is a gateway drug. All alleged, in innocent Chloe’s case, of course.
Posted: 17th, August 2009 | In: Celebrities Comment | Follow the Comments on our RSS feed:RSS 2.0
- June on In Pictures: Herman Van Rompuy’s Pet Dalek Introduces President Iain Duncan Smith
- Cheryl on In Pictures: Herman Van Rompuy’s Pet Dalek Introduces President Iain Duncan Smith
- Cheryl on Sven Goran Eriksson: Then And Now
- Anorak on I’m A Celebrity: Naked Katie Price Becomes Kate And Jordan ‘Dies’
- Anorak on In Pictures: Herman Van Rompuy’s Pet Dalek Introduces President Iain Duncan Smith
