Gordon Brown Embraces Cheryl Bradley’s 20 Stone Ass
CHERYL Bradley has a backside that weighs 20 stone. And – yes – it is in proportion to the rest of her. Cheryl weighs 38 stone.
In Closer, Cheryl shows us her 10ft “elephant bum”. Cheryl’s backside earns her 80,000 a year, keeping the rest of her in buns. Says she:
“I was mocked because of my size, but now I’m having the last laugh – all thanks to my beautiful elephant ass.”
Elephants might well complain of prejudice. Where is their money? Where is their feature in Closer magazine? If you want to see huge elephantine arse, find an elephant and ask it to give you a twirl.
Cheryl has five children – Dimmy, Brent, Monika, Aaron and Portia.
Posted: 29th, September 2009 | In: Strange But True Comment | Follow the Comments on our RSS feed:RSS 2.0
John Prescott’s New Earth Deal Kills The Planet
MORE news on John Prescott, the former deputy Prime Minister who’s turning into Britain’s version of Al Gore.
Anorak was at the Rich Mix building in Bethnal Green, London to see John Prescott holding up his Blackberry to show off the ‘New Earth Deal‘ climate change campaign website.
Prezza then spoke about “chimate clange” and the causes of “globals warning“.
But if Prezza is to be Al Gore, he needs to select the science he will champion. first up: mobile phones kill crops:
It seems like the plot of a particularly far-fetched horror film. But some scientists suggest that our love of the mobile phone could cause massive food shortages, as the world’s harvests fail.
They are putting forward the theory that radiation given off by mobile phones and other hi-tech gadgets is a possible answer to one of the more bizarre mysteries ever to happen in the natural world - the abrupt disappearance of the bees that pollinate crops.
The theory is that radiation from mobile phones interferes with bees’ navigation systems, preventing the famously homeloving species from finding their way back to their hives. Improbable as it may seem, there is now evidence to back this up.
Mobile phones heat up the oceans
Chinese state media have of course been silent on the next environmental disaster China is causing for the world, but fortunately, the Dutch media are on top of it. While in China the number of mobile callers is rapidly nearing the half billion, a group of fifty scientists in Columbia have revealed that mobile phones contribute to global warming.
Not the batteries are the problem, but the billions of calls heat up the waves.
And what of that swanky new website Prezza is championing? Well:
Websites kill the planet
Dr. Alexander Wissner-Gross, Environmental Fellow at Harvard University studying the environmental impact of computing, says that each second of web browsing generates around 20 milligrams of CO2…
Shocker Statistic:
% of world’s greenhouse gases created by the manufacturing, use and disposal of information and communication technology: 2%
% of world’s greenhouse gases created by the entire aviation industry: 2%
Says vomiting Prezza: “Better out than in…”
Posted: 26th, August 2009 | In: Politicians Comment | Follow the Comments on our RSS feed:RSS 2.0
John Prescott Declares Gore On China
JOHN Prescott is not appering on Strictly Come Dancing. What John Prescott is doing is lecturing the Chinese on global warming.
Global warming is the Celebity Squares of world diplomacy.
Richard North looks on, aghast:
John Prescott has landed his most bizarre job yet - as professor of climate change at a Chinese university. Prezza (pictured) has confounded his critics with his new role at Xiamen University on the south east coast of the country where he will give occasional lectures on global warming.
Posted: 26th, August 2009 | In: Politicians Comments (2) | Follow the Comments on our RSS feed:RSS 2.0
How Barack Obama Became Tony Blair
ANORAK readers may have noticed that Barack Obama - the most over-promoted man since Prince Edward became Seconder of the First Windsor Cubs - is mutating into Tony Blair.
The big news in the US is not the recession or the wars but Obama, who reacts to it all by allowing the media to set his agenda, sitting down with police Sgt Crowley (white) whose wrongful arrest of Professor Henry Gates (black) triggered a media shit storm and caused Obama to call the police “stoopid” (Biden: white).
And so the nodding heads begin the big debate: peanuts or pistachios: pork rinds or pretzels; half pints or full pints; larger or beer; Big Ears or Noddy; Toby Jug or Steiner…
In the mess rooms, police officers wonder why Crowley was so restrained and didn’t shoot Gates in the face; black groups also wonder why Gates was not shot in the face. What’s so special about him? There is much debate.
And all the while Obama is in the centre, the kernel-in-chief, the celebrity leader being all things to all mankind and knowing that right is on his side. Like Tony:
• Tony popped out for a photo opportunity with a mug of tea in his had; Obama sips a bear
• Tony showed off his love for his wife - going as far as impregnating Cherie in office; Obama has dirty weekends away in New York and garden strolls
• Tony wears his God on his sleave; at the annual National Prayer Breakfast in Washington, Obama lavished praise on Blair, who was the principal speaker
• Tony Blair’s second in command was dumbling bolt John Prescott; the US is but a heartbeat away from hailing President Biden
• Tony said “Things Can Only Get Better”; Obama pushed through a gigantic stimulus package because things can only get better
• Tony wants to be celebrity and ruled Britannia PLC; Obama woos celebs and looks to play himself in the film of the man
• Tony Blair was the open-necked embodiment of the new century; During the past few months, I’ve seen a lot of celebrities wearing suits and dress shirts minus neckties, including the president. The Italianate term for this style is crapioso…
• Both men converted to more popular relgions
During his tenure, Blair the peacenik waged five wars.
Over to you, Obama…
Posted: 31st, July 2009 | In: Politicians Comment (1) | Follow the Comments on our RSS feed:RSS 2.0
Gwyneth Paltrow’s Phone Voicemail Exclusive
THE allegation is that the News of the World hacks did – get this – hack into the phone voicemails of famous persons in an attempt to glean information. The celebrities are said to include:
John Prescott, Boris Johnson, Nigella Lawson, Elle MacPherson, Maz Clifford and Gwyneth Platrow.
Anorak cannot but help feel a pang of pity for the hapless hacks who, it is alleged, cocked an ear of the aforesaid. If you’re not listening to Prescott order his Chinese sweet and sour pork balls and crunch crisps, you’re tuning into Clifford opining how he could have tuned Michael Jackson into a big star had he only called, and picking up noises emanating from Planet Paltrow.
Posted: 9th, July 2009 | In: Media Comments (2) | Follow the Comments on our RSS feed:RSS 2.0
News Of The World Journalists Accused In Phone Tapping Probe
NEWS Group, the media giant owned by Rupert Murdoch, is reported to have stumped up £1m in court costs after its journalists at the News of The World were accused of involvement in phone tapping to get stories, writes the Guardian.
The Guardian claims News Group paid £700,000 in damages and costs to Gordon Taylor, the chief of the Professional Footballers Union.
Rupert Murdoch’s News Group Newspapers has paid out more than £1m to settle legal cases that threatened to reveal evidence of his journalists’ repeated involvement in the use of criminal methods to get stories.
A spokesman for News International says in ambiguous language:
“This particular case means nothing to anyone here, and I’ve talked to all the people who would be involved.”
Posted: 8th, July 2009 | In: Media Comment | Follow the Comments on our RSS feed:RSS 2.0
Bid For Peter Viggers’ Duck House Second Home
TORY MP for Gosport Sir Peter Viggers, 71, is selling his duck house for charity. Mr Viggers will from now on put his guests up in a caravan or ‘otel.
This is the duck house he paid for, after a request for us to pay for it failed -Vickers claimed £1,645 on expenses for the5 ft Stockholm duck house. Now you can own it.
Posted: 10th, June 2009 | In: Politicians Comments (4) | Follow the Comments on our RSS feed:RSS 2.0
Rosie Winterton Soundproof’s Prescott’s Biscuit Tin
ROSIE Winterton MP, the pensions minister, claimed £4,690 for “soundproofing of bedroom wall and redecoration to bedroom, bathroom, living room, kitchen, staircase” – a claim reduced to £3,800 by the fees office, reports the Telegraph.
Posted: 29th, May 2009 | In: Politicians Comment | Follow the Comments on our RSS feed:RSS 2.0
Talking Dirty Makes You Impotent
GENNADY Cheurin of the Russian town of Yekaterinburg, research manager of the Center of Ecological Safety, says talking dirty leads to impotence.
Says he:
“Men were allowed to use these words only 16 days a year. Afterwards, it was strictly prohibited to use them. So whenever men use these sacred words for no reason in their daily life, this immediately leads to sexual dysfunctions, i.e. impotence. If a woman uses these words in her daily speech, she slowly begins transforming into a man.”
Posted: 20th, April 2009 | In: Strange But True Comment | Follow the Comments on our RSS feed:RSS 2.0
Jacqui Smith Is Picked On For Being Fat
EARLIER this week, Jacqui Smith complained that she was being picked on - picked on because she is a woman.
Poor Jacqui. Had she been only a little less vain. You see, the Mail has news:
Why being fat harms a woman’s career (but not a man’s)
Posted: 9th, April 2009 | In: Politicians Comment | Follow the Comments on our RSS feed:RSS 2.0
Osama bin Laden Mistaken At Airport For Russell Brand
AT Manchester airport, face-recognition machines are in operation.
The Telegraph has seen an internal email:
“Update on the calibration – the facial recognition booths are letting passengers through at 30%. Changes appear to have been made without any explanation [or] giving anyone a reason for the machines [creating] what is in effect a 70% error rate.
“[The fact that] the machines do not operate at 100% is unacceptable. In addition it would be interesting to know why the acceptance level has been allowed to decrease.”
Posted: 6th, April 2009 | In: Media Comment | Follow the Comments on our RSS feed:RSS 2.0
50 Things You Never Knew About Barbie
BARBIE is 50 this week and in honour of her Anorak has compiled 50 Things You Never Knew About Barbie.
1-25:
* Barbie suffers from Obsessive Compulsive Disorder and changes at least 25 times a day
* Barbie’s signature scent Polonium 211 triggered a law suit when Man at KGB introduced Londoners and the West to Polonium 210. The matter was settled out of court and the KGB has now agreed to kill people with a mixture of arsenic and Chanel No. 5.
* Prince Edward is patron of The Institute of Barbieology, from where he received an honorary doctorate. Other Doctors of Barbieology include Anthea Tuner, the actress Helen Worth, former President Chirac of France, Boy George and Dame Thora Hird.
* When held by the legs and pushed down the throat Barbie works as an excellent emetic for bullimics.
* Barbie denies being related to SS-Hauptsturmführer Klaus Barbie, the Butcher of Lyon. In Austria, the Barbie (Klaus) action figure continues to outsell Barbie by three to one.
* Barbie’s mother hails from Lower-Saxony, where her relatives still run a teddy bear outfitters.
* Ken was modelled on Sir Cliff Richard and Cliff still keeps his original full-size Ken in his loft at his Barbados villa.
* Barbie speaks with a slight lisp, the result of a childhood accident with a rotary mower. Ken was originally to be called Stephen, but the name was changed.
* Barbie is staunch Republican and voted in the US election for Barack Obama – “The best Republican candidate, Yaaaay.”
* Barbie was captain of her high school Wargaming Team, and can still spell out the words “PEACE IN OUR TIME” with pom poms and knee bends.
* Barbie scores 10 in Scrabble.
* Girls say that blonde Barbie is 3 times more fun than Brunette Barbie who is twice as much fun as Ginger Barbie, who is the “bubbliest”.
* Andy Warhol’s painting of Barbie was adapted from a self-portrait of the man walking though a revolving door.
* Barbie attended Willows High School, New York City, and lends her name to the canteen’s famous breadless cucumber sandwich.
* Barbie, who owns a lion and a zebra, was Peta’s poster girl in 1988, a contract that only ended when Gwyneth Paltrow undercut her fee.
* Barbie is banned from driving her jeep in Saudi Arabia. The Committee for the Propagation of Virtue and Prevention of Vice states, “Jewish Barbie dolls, with their revealing clothes and shameful postures, accessories and tools are a symbol of decadence to the perverted West. Let us beware of her dangers and be careful.”
* Barbie is 5 feet 9 inches taller. Her vital statistics are 36-18-33, making her out as too “hippy” to be a member of Girls Aloud.
* In 1965 Slumber Party Barbie came with a book entitled How to Lose Weight which advised: “Don’t eat.” There was much controversy until the fold over cover was peeled back to reveal the full message, “Don’t eat food.”
* In 1997 Barbie came with a free Oreo cookie. Oreo Fun Barbie would share “America’s favorite cookie”. But because it was unspecified who she would shere it with, the biscuits remained uneaten and went stale.
* In May 1997 Mattel introduced Share a Smile Becky, post-surgery Barbie in a pink wheelchair. Kjersti Johnson, a 17-year-old high school student in Tacoma, Washington with cerebral palsy, pointed out that the doll would not fit into the elevator of Barbie’s $100 Dream House. Mattle slimmed Barbie down a little and all was well.
* Barbie has never tried Crystal Meth.
* Barbie starred in Superstar: The Karen Carpenter Story as the traffic singer, losing out to her protege Cher at the Oscars.
* Until 1987, Barbie believed a tomato was a vegetable. Then she undertook the No Fruit Diet, and was surprised to learn that it was a fruit and should thus be avoided, along with radishes.
* This year, Barbie has appeared on The 100 Best TV Tunes; The 100 Best TV Pauses; The 100 Best TVs and The 100 Best Welsh Language TV Shows.
* The British Barbie is a title that has been bestowed on Sindy, Twiggy, John Prescott and Barbara Windsor. although Prescott prefers to call Barbie the American Prezza.
Posted: 12th, March 2009 | In: Media Comment (1) | Follow the Comments on our RSS feed:RSS 2.0
Fergie Spreads Lipstick On Barack Obama
FERGIE, the singer who wets herself, and not the self-styled Duchess who doesn’t wet herself but knows a few royals who do and reserves the right to film it for historical record, is the lips of a new HIV prevention lipstick.
Posted: 11th, March 2009 | In: Celebrities, Key Posts Comments (5) | Follow the Comments on our RSS feed:RSS 2.0
Dmitry Medvedev Is Russia’s Jimmy Savile Guinea Pig
“DEAR, Dmitry Medvedev, would you please fix it for me to have a pet guinea pig.”
So writes Nastya Ivliyeva, a teenage school girl from a remote village school in Kalitvensky, southern Russia.
The reply:
Posted: 11th, February 2009 | In: Politicians Comment | Follow the Comments on our RSS feed:RSS 2.0
John Prescott Fist Bumps Iain Dale
JOHN Prescott has started blogging in the run up to the UK general election.
And quite entertaining it is too. His latest post takes up Tory blogger Iain Dale for suggesting that Prezza doesn’t write his own posts.
Appealing to a blogger’s vanity works. Dale notes the reply - and recognition - and offers:
As I say, respect to JP.
Watch out for the fist bump…
Posted: 5th, February 2009 | In: Politicians Comment | Follow the Comments on our RSS feed:RSS 2.0
John Prescott’s Chinese Give Away, With Ring Tone
HAVING cleared his desk of biscuit wrappers and secretaries, John Prescott trots along to his Hull Chinese restaurant du jour, the Chu China Palace, “the largest Chinese restaurant in the UK”.
And that’s just the menu. As Prezza once said, this is “my favourite restaurant in the whole world”, dedicating his memoirs to it, including between pages 34 and 39 a full menu with take away details and recommendations.
Posted: 19th, January 2009 | In: Politicians Comment | Follow the Comments on our RSS feed:RSS 2.0
Farting With Celebrities: Big Brother And The Saturdays
THANKS to Big Brother housemate Coolio, John Prescott and Prince Edward, farting is the new celebrity shocker.
Everyone’s at it, and if they’re not at it, they’re talking about being at it.
In the Daily Sport, The Saturdays are heard talking about their farting. Says Rachel Wiseman, of the band being hailed as “The New Girl’s Aloud:
“A fart is a message to the brain that poo is on the next train.”
Posted: 6th, January 2009 | In: Celebrities Comment | Follow the Comments on our RSS feed:RSS 2.0
Sexy Politics: The Top Ten Topless Left Wing Politicans
BARACK Obama takes his top off and the wonder of his moobs is a joy to be behold, and take hold of.
Anorak has contacted the publishes and in light of the launch of Politicans’ Pets (Whitehouse, Men Only and Hill’s Bills wer all taken already) we deliver to you in a brown paper screen the Top Ten Topless Left Wing Politicians Ever:
Anorak has compiled the Top 10:
1. Leo Brehnez - 0800SixPact
Posted: 24th, December 2008 | In: Key Posts, Politicians Comments (7) | Follow the Comments on our RSS feed:RSS 2.0
Gordon Brown’s Word For The Day: Deflation
HEY, tax doesn’t have to be taxing.
Just ask Gordon Brown. It’s easy. You just say, “Make it so” and you can raise more taxes than a priapic Caesar.
Gordon Brown is talking about deflation. Every week Gordon introduces a new word into the British lexicon. This week’s word is deflation.
Woz-zat-meen-den?
Posted: 18th, November 2008 | In: Money Comments (2) | Follow the Comments on our RSS feed:RSS 2.0
Prince Harry Takes On Cisco Alder At Drinking: Journalists Shocked
THE Mirror says that Prince Harry Baseball Cap has spent £5,000 on a two-hour drinking binge.
To Boujis club, London, where Harry and pals are going drink-for-drink with one Cisco Alder, a US “rocker” and his pals.
Harry is drinking Crackberry cocktails – a mix of vodka, passion fruit, sugar syrup, raspberry liqueur and a dash of Aqua de Amy Winehouse, the singer’s new signature scent.
Posted: 9th, September 2008 | In: Prince Harry, Royal Family, Tabloids Comments (7) | Follow the Comments on our RSS feed:RSS 2.0
