THE trouble with this Guinness advert below is the same problem facing product placement on British TV: treating the audience like idiots is not endearing. This hateful advert filled the space in Jonathan Ross’s tired ITV chatshow. Appearing in the same week as ITV’s gameshow Prize Island, the ad shows what ITV thinks of audiences.
HAVING made fun of Roy Hodgson (tabloid crime: not being Harry Redknapp) on successive front page, the Sun leads with :
“WOSSY: ROY ROW IS RUDDY RIDICULOUS”
The ideal, presumably, is that Sun’s spiteful mocking of England manager Roy Hodgson’s speech can be excused because Jonathan Ross says it’s ok. This would be Ross, or Wossy, the man the Sun described as “”filthy, when he giggled along as Russell Brand told Andrew Sachs over the phone that he’d been shagging the actor’s granddaughter.
RICHARD Keys and Andy Gray have been sacked from Sky Sports. Says a reader of Gray:
“I think he should be replaced by a woman; preferably one as fit as f*ck and with big t1ts!”
IS Jonathan Ross’s Halloween Party the best one in London? Did you go to his house in Hampstead, north London and extort sweets with menaces? Meanwhile, next door, they were braving scary issues like teen suicide, unwanted children and extreme violence by watching EastEnders. Scary stuff. Photos:
JONATHAN Ross is now a comic book writer. Any jokes? Well, no. Turf, by Jonathan Ross and Tommy Lee Edwards, is set in 21st Century Hampstead, where a man with time on his hands want to prove that he can live without the BBC. No, it’s set in 1920s Chicago, home to organised crime and vampires and aliens and… Have a look:
Spotter: Bleeding Cool
THE Daily Mail spots Jonathan Ross’s wife Jane Goldmans’ news car: a “rare Jaguar XK8 that looks like a hearse”.
Still, why let any research get in the way of a chance to bash Ross?
Ross was already out of favour with BBC Trust chiefs over the Sachsgate scandal in 2008, in which he broadcast lewd phone calls he and comic Russell Brand made to Fawlty Towers actor Andrew Sachs.
GOODBYE Jonathan Ross. The talk is that you are heading off to cwack Amewika. Grandpas beware. Poofs, as you were. But rests assured that the Ross family showbiz legacy will linger on in the UK. Paul Ross stays!!! Here is Jonathan Ross’s career so far:
JODHPURS off to Katie Price for securing a warm seat BBC1’s Jonathan Ross show to speak about her split with husband Peter Andre.
Before Katie and Peter split their marriage was on TV’s outer reaches, sandwiched like a slive of processed cheese and soft pickle between ITV’s output of ads for ITV2 and more ads for ITV2.
No, not those pigs – these are real pigs, with porcine noses and trotters going “Wee! Wee! Wee!” all the way to the abattoir.
Some may look like Jonathan Ross.
As ever, a time of crisis is a time for Tablid Bingo, the newspapers game to see who can raise the body count the highests:
This Paul Ross, he says Mrs Ross puts the phone down on Jonathan Ross. Paul Ross says this was because Mrs Ross she was disgusted with her son – not Paul Ross, you blithering idiot, Jonathan Ross.
The conversation might ahve gone something like this:
Carol, better known as Cawol, follows Jonathan Ross (Woss) down the BBC rubbish chute.
Or, to paraphrase the man: “His wages have been circumcised.”
Ross is quarter less the man he as, reports the Mail. He is 25% less funny (is that possible, Mail readers?), 25% less likeable (???) and there are 25% less reasons to lament his BBC wage (!).
And he will now shag (fag packet out; pencil nib licked….) 60-year-olds on garden swings (!o!).
GAZA and the appeal that will not be aired on the BBC. Says the Daily Mail.
Crisis at BBC escalates as 11,000 complain over refusal to broadcast Gaza appeal
Is that all? Perhaps if Jonathan Ross can intervene on behalf of the charities and say that he is f**king Gazza on a swing in his garden things can improve?
The crisis is the latest controversy to hit the BBC, which is still reeling from the enormous backlash over the Jonathan Ross and Russell Brand affair.
The NOTW says:
The mega-bucks star’s crude joke about sex with an 80-year-old woman infuriated listeners.
If the News of the Screws calls it crude it must be revolting. NOTW readers have no need to imagine how disgusting Ross penetrating an octogenarian sounds as the papers sound effects team have created an MP3 version with the aid of custard cream biscuits, a sink plunger and the Coronation Street intro.
The Star says Ross has been writing comic books, adding, “It’s a lot harder than I thought.”
At which point a man standing to Ross’s side wet himself – literally – as he laughed hard and when Ross looked over, harder still.
In the Mail, Ross has been wearing a tracksuit. Paul Revoir asks:
Where’s your pwide gone Wossy…? Chat show host goes out and about in a drab tracksuit… Puffy-eyed, and a touch wan, it was only the cigar clenched between his teeth that gave a clue to his celebrity status.
Paul Revoir writes under the headline: “Old Man About The House: Frail 70s heart-throb Richard O’Sullivan looks unrecognisable”:
Only he isn’t. Revoir recognises him in an instant:
IT’S been a great year for media stories about the media, starring Russell Brand, Jonathan Ross, Robert Peston, the BBC, Strictly Come Dancing and fines. The media loves media stories about the media, and so do audiences.
In 2009, the BBC will strive to bring you even more stories about the media, such as how BBC Breakfast presenters Bill Strictly and Sian In Need are never far away from a pair of spoons, and how BBC5 is to be the Beeb’s new TV channel for stories just about the media.
But what about 2008? Phew! It was quite some year.
Reading Jay Hunt, the Controller of BBC1, describe Jonathan Ross as “responsible” made me think that the BBC hierarchy are like the Bourbons in that they learn nothing and forget nothing.
NEWS that Jonathan Ross is to forgo £1.5milion pay is good news for Spanish waiters, and great news for the economy as a whole.
Ross, a BBC employee and civil servant, realised the state of the Government coffers and offered to self-tax.
Ross knew that Gordon Brown would not fail to be turned on by his celebrity debate. Brown duly calls for Ross’s head. Ross has to go. And Melton Mowbray gets a new community centre.
Bravo for Jonathan Ross, who is rightly lauded on every one of the nation’s front pages.
More like him, says Anorak.
We’ve been offered the TV star Jonathan Ross’s laptop computer for £20,000. When we asked the guy trying to flog it why on earth he thought it was worth so much, he leered and said, “Because there’s so much filfth on it.”
“I’m glad to hear you’d go back and do Rambo again. I feel with this story you could tell more.”
Jonathan Ross on Film 2008:
“I kind of hope we don’t see him making another Rambo adventure.”
THE SUN page 21: “COPS HAD DEADLINE TO PUT McCANNS IN FRAME – Bid to beat new laws”
“Portuguese police rushed to name the McCanns as suspects to avoid new laws on evidence, it was claimed yesterday. Cops had to put Kate and Gerry in the frame over the disappearance of daughter Maddie, four, before a stricter penal code was bought in, their lawyer suggested. Had they waited just EIGHT days longer they would have had to produce strong evidence against the 39-year-olds”
Had Madeleine disappeared eight days later… What does everyone in the chorus think of that?
The Sun: “It is possible the McCanns would have avoided months of vicious slurs against them”
McCanns’ lawyer Carlos Pinto de Abreu: “If this inquiry was launched now, maybe they would not have been made arguidos”
A source “close to the McCanns”: “This was a deliberate smear campaign”
McCann family spokesman Clarence Mitchell: “Being made arguidos caused them immense anguish. To think they may have been saved by a law introduced days later makes a mockery of the case”
Chorus: Such are the facts…
DAILY MIRROR page 9: “McCann cops in suspect ‘smear’”
The McCanns were named official suspects on September 7. The new laws, calling for “firm evidence” before someone is named an arguido, came into force on September 15. A McCanns’ “source” calls it a “deliberate smear campaign”
DAILY EXPRESS page 11: “MADELEINE: DETECTIVES PROBE FATHER’S PHONE CALL TO FRIEND”
Police are looking at Gerry McCann’s phone calls and those of the Sangria 7, Tapas 9, Tapas Nine etc.
“They are said to be investigating a conversation between heart consultant Gerry, 39, and his friend Doctor Russell O’Brien, 36, one of the so-called Tapas Nine. It is claimed Gerry insisted he was within four kilometres of Praia da Luz when the pair had the conversation which took place on June 10, 38 days after Madeleine disappeared. But technicians claim to have discovered data which revealed Gerry made the call at a location 28 kilometres from the resort”
“McCann fury are conspiracy book” – Anorak calculates there have been 100 headlines talking of the McCanns’ “fury” since their daughter went missing
Today there is fury that Portuguese journalist Manuel Catriano has written The Guilt Of The McCanns, a book. It begins: “This story did not begin in the Ocean Club, but in London where the official truth was conspired and established: an English girl was kidnapped in the Algarve”
The McCanns live in Leicestershire – not London. Senor Catriano should go back and check his research
THE STAR front page: “MADDIE: SHOCK NEW MOBILE CLUE – Phone trace leads to bloodied barn”
“A breakthrough” and “shocking mobile phone evidence”
“Detectives have been studying records of conversations between parents Kate and Gerry, both 39, and their holiday dinner pals – the so-called Tapas Seven” – Or Tapas Nine…
“And forensic experts are now said to be examining a blood-stained towel found close to a disused barn at a remote location some distance from Praia da Luz. Last night sources close to the investigation said the analysis had led to a ‘big development’”
DAILY MAIL page 49: “Police ‘made’ the McCanns suspects to beat law changes”
Says Senor de Abreu: “After September 15, a new procedural penal code was introduced making it necessary for there to be evidence against the citizen to make him an arguido”
Clarence Williams says: “If it is true that changes to the law would have meant that they would not have been made arguidos that’s all the reason for their status to be dropped now”
THE GUARDIAN comments pages: “Front-page thrillers – The hyper-reality of fiction techniques has transformed the way we consume the news”
Writes Mark Lawson:
“The news has become a kind of super-fiction, in which one unlikely and inexplicable yarn after another – The Portugal Child, The Perugia Murder, The Deadly Teddy Bear, The Secret Donor, The Panamanian Canoeist – play out across newspaper pages.
“The suggestion that journalism has become more like fiction is a pretty ancient insult but, in the past, was used to accuse reporters of fabrication. Now, though, something deeper and weirder frequently occurs in which, even when facts are accurately reported, they seem, in the proper sense of the word, fabulous. Whereas most news stories follow a grimly recognisable narrative – the sex murder, the drive-by shooting, the inflated expenses claim – recent real-life plots are dense, messy and seemingly insoluble in a way that usually requires the manipulations of a novelist”
Page 7: “Teddy jokes to the fore at comedy awards”
To the back-slapping British comedy awards. Whooo! Yeah!
Jonathan Ross “also made references to the disappearance of Madeleine McCann, saying the awards this year had been vetted with the same forensic attention as a ‘Portuguese police investigation’, and actor Chris Langham’s conviction for downloading child porn”
And the award for more laboured joke goes to…
DAILY TELEGRAPH page 17: Have you heard the one about Jonathan Ross, the joke writers and Madeleine McCann?
THE SCOTSMAN: Vicky Hamilton has been buried. She was allegedly murdered by Pete Tobin.
Kate and Gerry McCann wrote to Vicky Brown’s father, saying: ‘We have great empathy with your family and our thoughts are with you at this difficult time. We obviously understand the torment of having a child go missing, like Vicky did all those years ago, and our deepest sympathy goes out to you”
Says Mrs Brown said: “I am just so touched by this message from Mr and Mrs McCann.
To take the time to support my family when their own daughter is still missing says a lot about how caring they obviously are”
THE TIMES and THE INDEPENDENT: No Madeleine news today
JONATHAN Trappe is no Richard Heene, father to loft boy Flacon Heene. Trappe is an American adventurer/ asylum seeker, flying over the English Channel to France sat on a chair attached to 54 balloons filled with helium.
The pilot reached as high as 7,500ft, drifted at speeds of up to 25mph and took 4 hours to make the trip.
Arsenal Transfer Balls: To date, the media has liubnked the Gunners to – get this – 62 footballers. Arsenal are going mad in the January sales. And it does not end there. No way. There are even more players heading to the Emirates:
The latest batch:
Daily Express: “Liverpool LEADING Arsenal and Spurs in £5m to land ‘Iranian Messi’ Sardar Azmoun”
Daily Telegraph: “Polish midfielder Grzegorz Krychowiak could be available this month after his club, Sevilla, opened talks over a deal to sign Lucho González on loan from Porto.”
Could? No. In the Mirror it’s fact:
Daily Mirror: “Arsenal target Grzegorz Krychowiak set to leave Sevilla after they sign Lucho Gonzalez”
Daily Express: “‘Emirates enemy Ryan Shawcross could be Arsene Wenger target’.
THE Daily Mail is never slow to point out, in merciless detail, the physical and sartorial shortcomings of any celebrity, be they great or small.
“When Seventies television star Peter Wyngarde was spotted out shopping near his West London home last week it was clear his fashion sense had deserted him a long time ago” ran the caption to a picture of a well-preserved gentleman in his late seventies, dressed in fashionable casual clothes.