Panic Face King Turns Mass Murder Into Entertainment
IN Japan, the local have fond a way to hasten the celebrity cull. While the UK and US boast Dancing On Ice, Comic Relief, live theatre, Big Brother, Dancing With The Stars, airport scanners, America’s Got Talent, Ashley Cole and the Tony Awards, the Japanese have “Panic Face King”.
The would-be TV star told he is to star in a documentary about telephone scammers. Just after the interview begins, a sniper attacks, shooting dead everyone else in the room and giving the nascent telly star a heart attack and morbid fear of going out in public.
Posted: 14th, October 2009 | In: Terrible TV Comment | Follow the Comments on our RSS feed:RSS 2.0
Madeleine McCann Case Solved: What Happened To Her
MADELEINE McCann Watch: Anorak’s at-a-glance look at Madeleine McCann in the news: Donal MacIntyre knows what happened to Our Maddie. It’s front-page news in the Sunday Express:
MADELEINE: WORLD EXCLUSIVE - I KNOW HOW SHE WAS TAKEN. By… Donal MacIntyre.
Yeah, the guy from the telly who investigated football hooligans and ended up being beaten up by friends of the acting hooligan his work helped send down. He knows. Want to know what he knows? The Sunday Express has front-page news:
MADELEINE McCann was abducted by at least two kidnappers who must have carried out several dry runs in the days leading up to her disappearance.
Facts.
After spending a week on the ground investigating the case and the methods used by the kidnappers, I can only conclude that they must have entered the apartment to carry out a rehearsal, because they were working to an incredibly tight schedule.
Posted: 20th, September 2009 | In: Gallery, Key Posts, Madeleine McCann Comments (40) | Follow the Comments on our RSS feed:RSS 2.0
Summer Of Death: Cate Blanchett Bleeds For Her Art
CATE Blanchett has been hit on the head by a prop as she performs in A Streetcar Named Desire, in Sydney. It’s the Summer of Death, the big celebrity cull as celebs keeps step with the recession and reduce in numbers in accordance with the EU directive to recude the Eberoty Mountain.
Joel Edgerton (actor) tosses an old-fashioned radio set that instead of landing on the ground it landed on Blanchett’s head.
Says one audience member:
“She had blood streaming down the back of her head and blood on the back of her neck. She acted for about another 30 seconds, then ran into what we thought was the next scene.
“Before we knew it the lights were turned on and we were told there were technical difficulties and everyone had to evacuate the Sydney Theatre Company.”
Evacuate. Evacuate Evacuate. A radio is on the loose. No stand-in can be found. Evacuate!
Posted: 2nd, September 2009 | In: Celebrities Comment | Follow the Comments on our RSS feed:RSS 2.0
Naked Ashley Greene In Twilight Porn Parody
TWILIGHT starlet Ashley Greene – she plays Alice Cullen - has posed both topless and naked and – get this – her pictures have wound up on the internet.
What are the odds? All that unwelcome publicity for Ashley Greene (A.S.H… )
Ashley Green has just picked up the Choice Movie Fresh Face Female at the Teen Choice Awards. And if you look at her face it is indeed fresher than a moist cow pat in a springtime meadow.
What’s more, Greene’s new film is called Twilight: New Moon. Or Full Moon, With Frontal.
Following the tasteful work on Vanessa Hudgens and Miley Cyrus, we now bring you pictures of Miss Greene topless. And bottomless. Indeed, dear reader, Ashley Greene has gone further than her peers.
Posted: 11th, August 2009 | In: Celebrities, Key Posts Comment (1) | Follow the Comments on our RSS feed:RSS 2.0
Rock Star Bret Michaels Decapitated 0n Stage
THE Celebrity Cull moves on to the rock group Poison, whose performance with the show Rock of Ages on the Tony Awards features lead singer Bret Michaels being near decapitated.
Of course, if Michaels is like most other old rockers, his hair will be so tightly glued on that whatever the impact his noggin will remain attached to his body by a “spinal cord” of hair-like nylon silk:
Posted: 8th, June 2009 | In: Celebrities Comment | Follow the Comments on our RSS feed:RSS 2.0
America’s Got Talent: David Hasseloff Threatens To Headbutt Piers Morgan
THE Celebrity Cull (the world effort to reduce the EU celebrity moutain) stops for no show - and on America’s Got Talent, the resident celebs are responding to the call, Look on as judge David Hasselhoff, reportedly, threatens to put his fellow judge Piers Morgan out of action by way of a headbutt.
“He started yelling abuse at Piers, and Piers was giving back as good as he was getting, when suddenly David stood up, walked around the judges’ table and got right in Piers’s face.”
Posted: 12th, April 2009 | In: Celebrities Comments (3) | Follow the Comments on our RSS feed:RSS 2.0
Pictures Of Gisele Bundchen And Tom Brady’s Wedding
GISELE Bundchen (pronounced Jizz-Sell) has as Derek Hail puts it has some “some parts that you, surpisingly, can’t see”.
What you can’t see is her wedding to Tom Brady in Costa Rica. But you can hear it:
“Take a picture of me now, you f—er! F–k you!” a camera-shy friend of Brady’s supposedly shouted at the photogs after inviting them into the house for a chat.
Posted: 10th, April 2009 | In: Celebrities Comment | Follow the Comments on our RSS feed:RSS 2.0
Pictured: Newspaper Readers Dying
DEATH as entertainment. With Jade Goody’s media death a hit, the Daily Mail wonders if it is death or the celebrity that makes the big story? And gives readers:
The moment speeding policeman struck and killed girl, 16, as he drove at 94mph without siren or lights
Posted: 9th, April 2009 | In: Media, Scare Stories Comment (1) | Follow the Comments on our RSS feed:RSS 2.0
Harry Potter Actor Arrested For Drugs
HARRY Potter actor Jamie Waylett, aka Hogwarts pupil Vincent Crabbe, has been arrested after police allegedly found cannabis worth £2,000 in his bedroom.
Waylett caught the eye of London’s Celebrity Police Service suspicion when he was driving about the city in a “car”.
To his home in Camden North London, and failing to spot Amy Winehouse or even Peter Doherty, the CPS make do with nicking Waylett and confiscating, as is alleged, ten mature cannabis plants valued at around £2,000.
Posted: 8th, April 2009 | In: Celebrities Comments (4) | Follow the Comments on our RSS feed:RSS 2.0
Osama bin Laden Mistaken At Airport For Russell Brand
AT Manchester airport, face-recognition machines are in operation.
The Telegraph has seen an internal email:
“Update on the calibration – the facial recognition booths are letting passengers through at 30%. Changes appear to have been made without any explanation [or] giving anyone a reason for the machines [creating] what is in effect a 70% error rate.
“[The fact that] the machines do not operate at 100% is unacceptable. In addition it would be interesting to know why the acceptance level has been allowed to decrease.”
Posted: 6th, April 2009 | In: Media Comment | Follow the Comments on our RSS feed:RSS 2.0
Dancing With The Stars Shawn Johnson Excites Mark Ballas
DANCING With The Stars is the family friendly pro-celebrity dance show, starring family favourite Shawn Johnson and one Mark Ballas, a dancer who lives up to his name.
Posted: 2nd, April 2009 | In: Celebrities Comment | Follow the Comments on our RSS feed:RSS 2.0
Holly Madison Cracks On Dancing With The Stars
MORE news alerts on CCN (Celebrity Cull News, formely Celebrity Cancer News) where Dancing With The Stars sees Holly Madison - a former Hugh Hefner walking stick - injured.
Madison received medical attention and a broken rib was ruled out. Madison lives… for now:
Posted: 27th, March 2009 | In: Celebrities Comment (1) | Follow the Comments on our RSS feed:RSS 2.0
Armed Man Arrested At Dancing With The Stars Cull
IN the US, the Celebrity Cull – the worldwide drive to reduce the EU celebrity mountain (and US equivalents) – has touched Dancing With The Stars… An armed man has reached for Shawn Johnson.
Steve-O has taken a trip to the hospital.
Steve Wozniak has a fractured foot and pulled hamstring.
Gilles Marini “separates shoulder”.
Jewel and Nancy O’Dell dropped out of the show just days before this week’s season premiere because of dance-related injuries.
Now a fans of the show’s Shawn Johnson has been arrested:
Posted: 26th, March 2009 | In: Celebrities Comment | Follow the Comments on our RSS feed:RSS 2.0
Strictly Come Dancing In Wheelchairs
THE BBC is launching a new spin-off of Strictly Come Dancing featuring contestants in wheelchairs.
Such is the state of celebrities - see the Celebrity Cull - that most celebrities are in wheelchairs or very soon will be. Next season, celebs will dance in a wheeled bed and so on until by 2012 each Strictly celeb dancer will be triggered into action by the shout “Stand clear!” and scores awarded for how they twitch in time to the music.
Posted: 13th, March 2009 | In: Celebrities Comment (1) | Follow the Comments on our RSS feed:RSS 2.0
Celebrity Cull: Tiger Eats Great Wall Of China Walker And Dancing On Ice Casualties
CELEBRITY Cull update: Tiger eats walker on Great Wall Of China and Dancing On Ice’s fractured scaphoid
IN China, 20-year-old Guo is walking along the Great Wall of China. He jumps down onto the Badaling Wildlife World to take a shortcut.
Posted: 9th, March 2009 | In: Celebrities Comment | Follow the Comments on our RSS feed:RSS 2.0
Comic Relief Celebrity Cull: Cheryl Cole To Murder Intellectual Ashley, Coleen Nolan Down
COMIC Relief Does The Celebrity Cull: Killer Cheryl Cole, Coleen Nolan down And Party Palmer’s Desk Rage.
The story so far: The EU Celebrity Mountain is too high to sustain. Some celebrities must die or be retired. Dancing On Ice has put the plan into action:
Posted: 8th, March 2009 | In: Celebrities Comment (1) | Follow the Comments on our RSS feed:RSS 2.0
Comic Relief Does the Celebrity Death Cull, Day 4: Cheryl Cole’s Vomit
DAY 4 of Comic Relief Does the Celebrity Death Cull and “CHERYL COLLAPSES AS ASHLEY IS NICKED.”
Cheryl has been “projectile vomiting”. No, not by way of foreplay. Because she is ill. Says Cheryl:
“Last night I had a second of thinking this could be my resting place but I never once thought I’m not going to carry on climbing to the top… so keep spurring us on and we will keep going.”
Posted: 6th, March 2009 | In: Celebrities Comments (5) | Follow the Comments on our RSS feed:RSS 2.0
Comic Relief Does the Celebrity Death Cull: Cheryl Cole’s Near Death
DAY three of Comic Relief Does the Celebrity Death Cull and Cheryl Cole is in a “death scare”.
She and the other celebrities have been “caught in a life-or-death rescue attempt on the killer mountain” – Mount Killer-manjaro.
Cheryl, Alesha Dixon (she lives!) and Chris Moyles “were left in tears after seeing a fellow walker close to death after collapsing from altitude sickness”.
Posted: 5th, March 2009 | In: Celebrities Comments (2) | Follow the Comments on our RSS feed:RSS 2.0
Comic Relief Does The Celebrity Cull: Alesha Dixon Falls
DAY two on the celebrity Celebrity Relief Mount Kilimanjaro climb. And Alesha Dixon “slipped and fell down the mountain.”
It’s Day Two of Comic Relief Does The Celebrity Cull, and Strictly Come Dancing winner emeritus Dixon is falling. The Star looks on.
Dixon has gone to the toilet. She is behind bushes. Sliding. Falling.
Posted: 3rd, March 2009 | In: Celebrities Comment | Follow the Comments on our RSS feed:RSS 2.0
Comic Relief Does The Celebrity Cull: Barlow Down, Cole, Cotton And GMTV Press On
DAY one on the celebrity Celebrity Relief (surely, Comic Relief? – Ed) Mount Kilimanjaro climb.
Gary Barlow, the substantial Take That frontman, is down. He has, as the Mirror observes,” broken down “in agony”.
While Barlow screams, “Go on, leave me!”, and his agent negotiates a twelve-part Living TV special about his suffering, the rest go on.
Posted: 2nd, March 2009 | In: Celebrities Comments (6) | Follow the Comments on our RSS feed:RSS 2.0
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