Lily Allen’s Heart Stopped At Farmer Karl’s Chanel Show
LILY Allen would like Grazia readers to know that “finally I feel beautiful”.
We join Lily as she looks at herself in a compact mirror, applies lipstick to her lips - on her face (this is no daring critique on the fashion industry) - and tells us about the moment she arrives in the Chanel barn with that Farmer Karl and his bevy of clothes horses made from actual people:
“When I came out of the hole in the stage, my heart stopped.”
Thankfully, Lily can do her routine in her coma, and neither Prince nor Rihanna, nor indeed any of the great and good that come to watch the bucolic splendour of a city farm where the cows go Miu Miu, the cats go “Mwwwwa” and the birds go “I’m a mo-del, singer actress bored of boys my own age…”
Posted: 13th, October 2009 | In: Grazia Comment | Follow the Comments on our RSS feed:RSS 2.0
Judge Excuses Paedophiles With Ruling On Oral Sex With Young Cows
IN Burlington County, USA, a Superior Court judge has dismissed animal-cruelty charges against Moorestown police officer Robert Melia Jr, accused of sticking his penis into the mouths of five calves.
Judge James J. Morley says a grand jury couldn’t decide whether the cows had been “tormented” or “puzzled“.
Adding:
“If the cow had the cognitive ability to form thought and speak, would it say, ‘Where’s the milk? I’m not getting any milk. They [children] enjoy the act of suckling. Cows may be of a different disposition.”
The judge seems to have walked into paedo-sized elephant trap. But he has point – can a human being think like an animal, in this instance, a calf?
Burlington County Assistant County Prosecutor Kevin Morgan is, however, sure:
“I think any reasonable juror could infer that a man’s penis in the mouth of a calf is torment. It’s a crime against nature.”
He says the owner of the cows is “very upset” over the incident. Judge Morley replies:
“I’m not saying it’s OK. This is a legal question for me. It’s not a question of morals. It’s not a question of hygiene. It’s not a question of how people should conduct themselves.”
And the paedo problem? Well, the accused:
He and former girlfriend, Heather Lewis, of Pemberton Township, are also accused of sexually assaulting three young girls over a five-year period, sometimes in Melia’s Cottage Avenue home in Moorestown, where he was a patrolman, authorities said.
Oh, brave new world…
Posted: 25th, September 2009 | In: Strange But True Comments (3) | Follow the Comments on our RSS feed:RSS 2.0
Tony Ball Turns Down ITV - Katie Price Responds On ITV2
MORE bad news for ITV as Tony Ball, the former boss of Sky, has no interests in becoming ITV’s chief executive.
In the first half of 2009, the broadcaster made a pre-tax loss of £105m. The only shows worth watching are the X Factor – because it makes money – and soaps Coronation Street and Emmerdale. Without them ITV has nothing.
Time for Simon Cowell to be given full control over the channel, with Katie Price working under him, or just dry humping his chair – oh, the ratings.
In the meantime, here are those ITV schedules in full:
ITV 1: Coronation Street; Emmerdale; Coronation Street; Soap Bloopers III; The Tony Ball Interviews
Posted: 25th, September 2009 | In: Media Comments (7) | Follow the Comments on our RSS feed:RSS 2.0
FOUR people in Britain have been murdered by cows in the past two months.
June 21: Vet Liz Crowsley crushed against a wall and trampled underfoot. Dogs present.
July 15: Barry Pilgrim, “trampled to death by a cow as his wife looked on.”
July 18: Anita Hinchey attacked and trampled to death by cow.
Harold Lee, “a 75-year-old farmer from Burtle in the West Country. He was killed by his own herd, which may have been made nervous by the siren of a passing ambulance.”
Or , as the Sun reported - “startled by a fire engine’s siren”:
A COW had to be shot dead yesterday after going on the rampage in a school - as a farmer became the fourth person trampled to death this summer.
The beast charged a cop and a woman with a baby after fleeing an abattoir-bound trailer.
Kids looked on in horror as armed officers fired 12 shots at the animal - before slitting its throat.
Dogs. Wife. Ambulance (fire engine). All triggers than cause a cow to attack and kill.
Posted: 25th, August 2009 | In: Strange But True Comments (5) | Follow the Comments on our RSS feed:RSS 2.0
Michael Jackson Planned Amy Winehouse Duet
MICHAEL Jackson Watch: Michael Jackson’s duet with Amy Winehouse, his London tribute to Peter Doherty, and police hunt for Brit in London - Britney Spears?
Star On Sunday: “Jacko Cops hunt Brit”
Brit? Britney! Britney Spears?!
AMERICAN police were targeting London last night in a bid to solve the riddle of Michael Jackson’s death.
London, Britney’s tamed Yorkshire terrier?
Detectives from the Los Angeles Police Department are ready to spend six months hunting down the doctors who kept the star pumped full of dodgy medication over the last 25 years.
And how do Britney Spears and London Spears fit in with this?
They are especially keen to question people close to Jackson when he was “spaced out” and “stumbling” while staying at the Lanesborough Hotel near London’s Hyde Park last March.
Posted: 19th, July 2009 | In: Celebrities, Key Posts Comments (5) | Follow the Comments on our RSS feed:RSS 2.0
Nazi Cows Being Bred In Britain
BEWARE of the cows. Beware of the Nazi cows. Roaring cows are not only attacking Britons, and poisoning our Great British air over our Great British countryside, but now they have a political affiliation. Hail the “Nazi cows”!
Says the BBC:
The Heck calf was born at a farm in Lifton which imported more than a dozen of the animals from Amsterdam as part of a conservation project. The herd is descended from cattle specifically bred by Nazi scientists between the world wars to be used as a symbol of ambitions to rule the world.
The cows. Always the cows. Hail the 1000 year ranch!
Farmer and conservationist Derek Gow has the cattle as part of a wildlife photography business.
Hail the model cow!
Posted: 25th, June 2009 | In: Strange But True Comments (3) | Follow the Comments on our RSS feed:RSS 2.0
Scientists Create Low Emissions Cows
COWS are attacking us. Farting, murderous Cows want to kill us all. Can science tame them and reduce their emissions?
Spate Of Cows Attacks Threatens Countryside
If they can’t rule the world, they will kill everything on it:
A prototype cow which burps less is being bred in a breakthrough that could reduce a big source of the greenhouse gases responsible for global warming.
The farm animals are responsible for nearly three-quarters of total methane emissions.
Most of the gas comes from bovine burps, which are 20 times more potent than carbon dioxide as a greenhouse gas.
Posted: 23rd, June 2009 | In: Media Comment | Follow the Comments on our RSS feed:RSS 2.0
Philimon Zandamela Is The Luckiest Man Alive
FROM the Anorak Forums, Yampster tells the tale of Philimon Zandamela, Croatia’s number one Mozambique import:
The 34-year old Zandamela had a blood-alcohol level of 2.8 promille when he lost control of the moped. He crashed on karst and fell through it into a hole.
Rescuers pulled him out of the hole and took him to hospital with severe injuries. The daily Jutarnji list reported today his life was not in danger.
A history:
“Zandamela arrived in Croatia from Mozambique in 2001. He initially worked as a de-mining expert for the Israeli company Mavarin but has since become a shepherd. Zandamela is well known for his numerous performances on TV shows. Local residents also remember he shot himself twice in 2006 and drank sulphuric acid last year.”
A shepherd:
…he had to be rescued after he followed his flock into a live minefield in Croatia, “I was walking along and I saw lots of strange bumps in the ground and suddenly realised where I was, luckily I had a mobile phone with me and could call the emergency services for help, I am very lucky to still be in one piece.
That’s him pictured with his cows - you know, those killer cows…
Posted: 23rd, June 2009 | In: Strange But True Comments (2) | Follow the Comments on our RSS feed:RSS 2.0
Spate Of Cows Attacks Threatens Countryside
IN today’s instalment of When Cows Attack – brought to you by Media Scare Stories Inc., a registered charity - a woman walking her dogs through a field in North Yorkshire is killed by a herd of stampeding cattle.
Say police:
“She was surrounded by a herd of cattle and calves, and as a result of dogs being present the cattle reacted in an aggressive manner.”
So guess the police, who only suppose the dog was a factor. How can they know?
Posted: 22nd, June 2009 | In: Scare Stories, Strange But True Comments (5) | Follow the Comments on our RSS feed:RSS 2.0
Mini Cows Save World From Global Warming
COWS are killing us all. Not at Burger King, where global warming is baloney. But now the future is upon is. Hail the mini cow:
They soon realized they had more field than cattle; one animal needed less than an acre for grazing. Because the minicows could be grass-fed, the Peevlers were spending half the amount on feed that they would have spent on regular-sized animals. The minicows also reached their mature weight faster, so they could be sold for meat sooner.
The Peevlers have built up their herd to 16. One steer provides enough beef to fill the couple’s freezer for a year. Carolyn Peevler also considers them “green” red meat: They cause less wear and tear on her pasture land and fences and, she said with a laugh, they emit less methane gas.
Looks like the pygmies were right…
Bring on the mini termites!
Posted: 12th, June 2009 | In: Media Comment | Follow the Comments on our RSS feed:RSS 2.0
Labour MP Attacked By Roaring Cow In Park
FORMER Home Secretary David Blunkett “told how one of the cows ‘let out a roar’ on spotting eight-year-old Sadie.”
Sadie is Mr Blunkett’s guide dog. That’s Sadie now. “Neigh,” says Sadie. “Meooowwwww,” says Sadie. “Buck-buck-buck-buck-baaaaa.”
Mr Blunkett is walking in Derbyshire’s Peak District National Park on Saturday. That’s badger territory.
Posted: 8th, June 2009 | In: Politicians Comments (5) | Follow the Comments on our RSS feed:RSS 2.0
HOW many termites does it take to produce the same methne volume as one adult cow? Anorak took that to the reseach fund council and - dash! - found that the gig has already been taken:
The Australian Government’s effort to comprehensively account for all greenhouse gas emissions has now turned its attention to the tiniest of creatures - termites.
Posted: 26th, May 2009 | In: Media Comment | Follow the Comments on our RSS feed:RSS 2.0
Calculating Your Water Footprint
FORGET your carbon footprint - it’s your water footprint you should worry about:
Prof Tim Lang said people needed to wake up to how much water farmers and food factories use in producing staple goods, particularly meat, coffee and milk, saying the threat to Britain’s food chain from its water footprint is just as great as its carbon footprint.
Can you make a footprint in water?
Posted: 21st, March 2009 | In: Media Comments (13) | Follow the Comments on our RSS feed:RSS 2.0
INTRODUCING the anti-theft car protectiosn kit:
These rust and scratch stickers are designed to make your beautiful bike/car look rusted and scratched so that passing thieves assume it’s not worth stealing due to its apparent shabbyness.
Note. This anti-theft device is not guaranteed to work in any way.
However I have stuck them to my shiney new red bike and can confirm it hasn’t been stolen yet. 13 days of not being stolen in London probably equates to 7 years of non-stealing in the friendly countryside.
Posted: 10th, March 2009 | In: Money Comment (1) | Follow the Comments on our RSS feed:RSS 2.0
Dmitry Medvedev Is Russia’s Jimmy Savile Guinea Pig
“DEAR, Dmitry Medvedev, would you please fix it for me to have a pet guinea pig.”
So writes Nastya Ivliyeva, a teenage school girl from a remote village school in Kalitvensky, southern Russia.
The reply:
Posted: 11th, February 2009 | In: Politicians Comment | Follow the Comments on our RSS feed:RSS 2.0
Alien Microbes Emit Gas On Mars
THE Sun tells Earthlings that “ALIEN microbes living just below the Martian soil are responsible for a haze of methane around the Red Planet.”
Out goes the theory that the red planet was the cosmos’s knocking shop, a beacon for sex and debauchery.
Last week, the Sun brought news that aliens had damaged a wind turbine in Lincolnshire.
There were lights in the skies. Shapes in the skies. Aliens in command of the kind of advanced technology that would make our heads spin had piloted their state-of-the-art machine into a metal windmill.
On the aliens home planet, an investigation is endeavouring to discover if the pilot had imbibed too much space dust and the onboard satnav malfunctioned.
Back to Mars, and the news that we’re next:
Posted: 15th, January 2009 | In: Key Posts, Media Comments (2) | Follow the Comments on our RSS feed:RSS 2.0
A Seismic Shift In Swedish Cow Theory
“Swedish cows make lousy earthquake detectors: study”
Posted: 13th, January 2009 | In: Tagline Comment | Follow the Comments on our RSS feed:RSS 2.0
NASA’S Orbiting Carbon Observatory Takes On The BBC
NASA’S Orbiting Carbon Observatory (OCO) will locate those points on these Earth’s surface where CO2 is being emitted and absorbed.
Says the BBC:
CO2 from human activities is thought to be driving climate changes, but important facts about its movement through the atmosphere remain elusive.
BBC: Global climate change is “very likely” to have a human cause, an influential group of scientists has concluded.
Very likely?
Posted: 18th, December 2008 | In: Media Comment | Follow the Comments on our RSS feed:RSS 2.0
Muntader al-Zaidi And The Ten Worst Protests Ever
WHAT next for Muntader al-Zaidi, the shoe thrower of old Baghdad? A spot of badinage on his socked feet?
As al-Zaidi languishes in jail, Anorak notes how unfazed Bush was by the attack. If the protest was to make Bush look bad, the protest failed.
In the sprit of the times, Anorak brings you the Top Ten Worst Protests Ever.
“Star Wars” fans attempted to hold protests in support of Kyle Newman’s unreleased “Fanboys” movie at Friday’s screenings of the Weinstein Co.’s “Superhero Movie” on both coasts, but whether any substantial protest occurred is a subject of debate.
A “Star Wars” fan group known as the 501st called for fellow fans to show up at the AMC Theatres in New York and Los Angeles. The 501st claims 14 members showed up in New York and, when confronted by two security guards, chose to go inside and pay to see “21″ instead.
Iraq War protester-hippies poured red paint on the sidewalk outside of an Army recruitment office today. When a recruiter — who, along with his colleagues, was counter-protesting — noticed the spill, he asked some hippies what impact pouring red paint on the sidewalk has on the war. One hippie responded along the lines of, “It’s the blood of foreign countries that you’ve spilled.” The recruiter responded with something about bringing peace to the Middle East. This really happened. They each went their own ways after a minute or so — the hippie back to his hippie mob which was chanting “fuck the war!”; the recruiter back to his Army friends who were responding with “win the war!” (although it might have been “bring the war!” which is, well, terrible). Between these two groups was a puddle of red paint on the sidewalk, claiming naive pedestrians one-by-one.
IT’S World Vegetarian Week and the animal lovers at Peta are showing how much they care for all creatures by wrapping their interns up in cellophane on a hot day to protest cruelty against animals.
When officers inquired about the well-being of intern Shawn Herbold and volunteer Thomas Olsen, a sweat-soaked Herbold replied that she was in pain and feeling nauseated from the heat after being wrapped in cellophane for 30 minutes, and also asked how much longer she needed to stay there.
They shoot horses, strangle chickens and stun gun cows; oh, and hang, draw and quarter pigs:
Byrne let her know it wouldn’t be much longer and left her under the hot afternoon sun for 30 minutes more while debating with the officers. PETA would never treat a cow that way, but I guess it’s OK for an intern.
To the athletic world championships in Paris 2004.
Former American champion Jon Drummond and Jamaica’s Asafa Powell were disqualified for false starts in a heat.
An angry Drummond refused to accept the ruling, staging an impromptu sit-in. After appealing to officials, the 34-year-old American laid down in the middle of the track to multiple hoots and whistles from the Parisian crowd.
Jamaican Dwight Thomas was first called for a false start, and under the new IAAF rules, only one false start is allowed per race. After that, any athlete called for jumping the gun is disqualified. Both Drummond and Powell were caught moving too quickly in the re-start.
Race officials eventually postponed the heat before completing it later in the afternoon. Drummond remained visibly distraught as he moved onto the grass beside the track.
Three Fans React With Fury As Kevin Keegan Resigns
The Sun said the fans had gathered to protest the sacking of King Kev. How many? Six. Six fans. “ASHLEY WISE OUT,” said the legend on the piece of cardboard.
Back again live to the scene and three fans are shouting at traffic. Back again, and there are two of them…
Such was the fury…
Posted: 15th, December 2008 | In: Key Posts, Politicians Comments (10) | Follow the Comments on our RSS feed:RSS 2.0
First The Oxford University Press Came For The Words On Nature
CONTROL the words, and you control the thoughts: “Words associated with Christianity and British history taken out of children’s dictionary,” says the Telegraph.
Oxford University Press has removed words like “aisle”, “bishop”, “chapel”, “empire” and “monarch” from its Junior Dictionary and replaced them with words like “blog”, “broadband” and “celebrity”. Dozens of words related to the countryside have also been culled.
The publisher claims the changes have been made to reflect the fact that Britain is a modern, multicultural, multifaith society.
OK, it’s in response to the changeing landscape and not proscribing change. But while the monarchy and religion get the headlines, what of those other changed words? Well, most of them have to do with nature, which is all but dead:
Posted: 8th, December 2008 | In: Media Comment | Follow the Comments on our RSS feed:RSS 2.0
- eggman on Daily Mail Scuppers BBC’s Wrong Shipping Forecast
- agw on Daily Mail Scuppers BBC’s Wrong Shipping Forecast
- Bat E Bird on I’m A Celebrity: Samantha Fox Is Shrinking As ‘Lesbian’ Lover Katie Price Quits
- Bat E Bird on In Photos: Susan Boyle Sings Rockefeller Center Plaza In New York City
- yampster on Daily Mail And Tax Payers’ Alliance Attacks BBC Over Its Free Trees For A Better Planet
