Swedish Sisters Sue Funeral Company For Dropping Father Into Grave Too Fast
HOW do you want to be buried: fast or slow? In Sweden, two sisters say they father’s coffin was dropped into the earth too fast. The sisters claim dad was almost dropped by two drunk undertakers.
We join the scene. The undertakers carry dad aloft. They approach the grave with a reel. They lose their grip. The coffin falls. It lands on the ground on its side.
Says the sisters’ lawyer:
“Both daughters were in shock and ran away in tears from the cemetery. They didn’t dare to look in the grave as they were convinced the coffin had opened and their dead father had fallen out.”
Posted: 22nd, November 2009 | In: Strange But True Comment | Follow the Comments on our RSS feed:RSS 2.0
Hitler Would Have Warmed To Al Gore
NEWSWEEK loves Al Gore. Forty-six percent of their letter writers wrote on the subject of Gore, and 74 percent of them were critical but Newsweek ran only positive letters.
No big deal that a news organ is biased. But global warming is so anti fascist. Al Goreans can’t be fascists. Can they?
One missive tells us:
Propaganda by global-warming skeptics and deniers reminds me of 1944, when as an Army officer I saw living skeletons in striped pajamas. Horror stories about Nazi concentration camps suddenly rang true. I wondered how intelligent people could commit such atrocities. History records the effectiveness of Joseph Goebbels’s propaganda. I hope Al Gore and others can prevail over today’s anti–science propaganda.
Posted: 16th, November 2009 | In: Global Warming Comment (1) | Follow the Comments on our RSS feed:RSS 2.0
Austria Clones MP Anton Kasser
IN Austria, the news media has cloned local politician Anton Kasser. One may be the evil twin, one the good. Rumours are that this is how Hitler started.
Our man in a Vienna rest home tells us: “The ‘bad one’ was locked up in a beer hall while we let the ‘good one’ out.”
Posted: 10th, November 2009 | In: Media Comment | Follow the Comments on our RSS feed:RSS 2.0
Katie Price’s Burning Sensation X Factor Presents The Week In Pictures
WHAT a week that was, folks. We saw Gary Glitter’s Halloween costume, a man was beaten to death on the telly for our entertainment, The Cheeky Girls encouraged thoughts of them mating with X Factor’s Jedward and creating a new breed of horror, Madonna sanitized Africa, police arrested West Ham, Stephen Fry fans pretending to be actors, had a strop on Twitter, X Factor agonist Danyl Johnson was beaten by Hitler, giving us another reason to hate Danyl with a Y, Marlon King was branded a typical footballer, you got to cover your cat’s anus with a glitter ball, Muslims laughed at Muslims, Ollie Murs reminded us of them, Iggy Pop, Muhammad reminded us of corduroy bodysuits, starred in a film as John Travolta, we blamed the Muslims for Madeleine McCann, Al Gore became a God, Daily Mail readers came out in favour of Sharia LawNazis and , we learnt that a virus can wear bovver boots, was burnt as a bitch, Katie PriceSusan Boyle was our transsexual Jesus, Lindsay Lohan died, almost, Ringo Starr became something funny in the water, we saw the Carrie Prejean sex tape, Katie and Peter got back together, we enjoyed blood porn, Sharon Osbourne presented her hairy arsehole, Jedward reviewed their novelty record collection, Elizabeth LambertBeyonce made us watch women’s football- and it was good, showed us her knickers and Nidal Malik Hasan became a victim as he murdered 13 people.
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Posted: 7th, November 2009 | In: Key Posts, Media Comment | Follow the Comments on our RSS feed:RSS 2.0
Hurrah For The Blackshirts: Daily Mail Bemoans British Kids’ Ignorance Of War
A SURVEY says that one in six between the ages of nine and 15 believe Auschwitz was a Second World War theme park and one in 20 say the Holocaust was a celebration at the end of the war. They are only partly right.
These are the kind of facts tabloids love. And the Daily Mail’s readers use it to have their prejudices confirmed:
* Labour teachers trying to change history.
* But I bet they can tell answer the really important questions such as who is in the final of X Factor, all about David Beckhams latest tattoo, or what Katie said to Peter. What can you expect? Just about sums this country up doesn’t it?
* Were the questions written? If so it’s probable that at least half the children involved couldn’t read the questions.
Posted: 5th, November 2009 | In: Media Comments (4) | Follow the Comments on our RSS feed:RSS 2.0
X Factor: Joe McElderry Breaks Rib And Stacey Solomon Engaged To Olly Murs
X Factor No News Round-up: Stacey Solomon not Amy Winehouse, Joe McElderry’s rib not broken, Sting’s no X Factor and the Sex Pistols would not win…
Unreality TV: “Mitch Winehouse: ‘Stacey Solomon is NOT The new Amy Winehouse!’”
She’s better?
“Amy and I and the family were watching X Factor and when Rachel got knocked out – we thought it was a complete disaster. We were having a lovely dinner – I was having a chicken vindaloo and Amy was having a chicken Korma and we almost choked – almost put us right off our food. Almost but not quite…”
Posted: 4th, November 2009 | In: Celebrities Comment | Follow the Comments on our RSS feed:RSS 2.0
X Factor: Jedward’s Threesome, Olly Murs Croaks And Ghostbusters
X FACTOR Watch: Jedward sex shocker, Olly Murs croaks, a threesome, A Christmas Carol, Peter Andre and more sex…
PSST! Want to know about the “TWINS SEX FACTOR SECRET”?
The Daily Star follows its news on the “SIN TWINS - Shock X Factor favourites John and Edward Grimes have lifted the lid on their sex, drugs and booze demons” – with a focus on Jewdwar’s sex lives.
X FACTOR twins John and Edward Grimes are hiding a bombshell sex secret from their fans…
Can you guess? Is it:
a) They are brother and sister
b) They are husband and wife
c) They are shagging Dannii Minogue
d) They are virgins
e) They have no primary sexual characteristics
The answer is… d. And:
The gruesome twosome have only had one girlfriend between them.
What young girl or guy would not want to be the one between John And Edward?
Posted: 4th, November 2009 | In: Celebrities, Key Posts Comments (4) | Follow the Comments on our RSS feed:RSS 2.0
X Factor: Jedward, Head Lice In The House, Sanjaya Malakar And A Fix
X FACTOR: John & Edward take it lice and queasy, Rachel sobs, Lloyd Daniels has not time to keep time and it is a fact that when the tabloids run out of puns for John & Edward the act will go the way of Chico Time, Mr Blobby and Little Jimmy Osmond.
And Sanjaya Malakar, the former American Idol contestant whose inability to carry a tune in his seive of a voice and high hair led to him almost taking the title.
The Sun (front page): “Return of the JEDDIES”
Daily Mail (front page): “X-traordinary – They got through again”
Daily Mirror (front page):”Could they Twin It?”
Daily Mirror: “CEREAL OFFENDERS - THE X FACTOR JEDWARD DIVIDES THE NATION”
X Factor’s gruesome twosome John and Edward don’t just murder classic Queen songs - they’d kill for a bowl of cornflakes, too. It turns out that the talentless 18-yearold Grimes boys - who are still in the competition after their worst performance so far - have a habit of knicking the other contestants’ food.
The Sun: “Twins gave us Jed lice”
THE X Factor house is feared to be infested with HEAD LICE - and the towering hairdos of John and Edward Grimes are being blamed.
Daily Star (front page): “TWINS SECRET PLOT TO WIN”
Posted: 2nd, November 2009 | In: Celebrities Comment | Follow the Comments on our RSS feed:RSS 2.0
X Factor Live Blog: Jedward Doomed And Danyl Johnson Is Beaten By Hitler
IT’S Rock Week on the X Factor, in which TV viewers get stuck between rock and the hard place that is finding something else to watch on another channel.
Cheryl Cole is wearing Mickey Mouse’s ears on her chest and telling Joe he’s going “all the way”.
Joe McElderry sings Don’t Stop Believin’, by Journey, whish is casue fo Louis Walsh to say:derry
“Don’t stop believin’ Joe, I think you’re going to make it to the final!”
Lucie Jones arrives and sings Sweet Child O’ Mine in the style of a young girl singing Guns ‘N Roses. Since this is how it is supposed to be sung, Lucie has done well. Tonight’s winner.
Danyl Johnson is weeping. Someone said he was less liked than Hitler. He should not worry. Hitler is wildly popular in some areas of the country, like Oldham. If he can crack the Home Counties - although, not he leafier parts of Surrey, obviously - he can still make it. Cheryl Cole, who what with the Mickey Mouse outfit, the husband and the tears could do a one-woman version of Steamboat Willy, tells Danyl, who has crooned I Don’t Want to Miss a Thing, by Aerosmith.
“I wanted to see you come out after a tough week, Rachel was in the bottom two for the first two weeks and she came out fighting - that’s kinda what I was hoping to see from you. You do it well, you do it every week but you just don’t do it for me.”
Posted: 1st, November 2009 | In: Celebrities, Key Posts Comments (22) | Follow the Comments on our RSS feed:RSS 2.0
The Most Disgusting, Offensive And Tasteless Halloween Costumes
IT’S Halloween-ish. And in honour of the imported season of ill will to all men - Americans don’t have Bonfire night and with it the chance to toss a Catholic on a pyre - we bring you the most disguting, offensive and tasteless Halloween costumes ever:
Red Sox’s number 9 Ted Williams
Posted: 31st, October 2009 | In: Key Posts, Strange But True Comments (7) | Follow the Comments on our RSS feed:RSS 2.0
X Factor: Victimised Cheryl Cole Wants To Punch Simon Cowell
LOOK out Simon Cowell, it sounds like Cherly Cole has not developed as much had been hoped. The X Factor judge found guilty of assaulting a toilet attendant remains a fan of the short sharp shock, as the Star’s front page says:
“Simon Cowell is nasty rude and annoying. I want to punch him”
This is “nation’s sweetheart” Cheryl Cole on message. Anyone who has watched the X Factor cannot help but notice that the aim of the three non-Cowell judges is to turn on Cowell and say how wrong he is. The more forcibly they can do this the less chance the watching millions will realise that without Cowell the show loses its only talent.
The routine goes like this:
Cole: Check out me dimples
Cowell: Nothing short of awful. Horrendous
Louis Walsh: No. you’re wrong
Dannii Minogue: Stares purposefully
The audience cheers and hisses allowing Cowell time to think of a simile – “Your like Hitler without the fun”, or a metaphor, “You’re Cilla Black in braces.” The Star takes up the theme:
Cheryl Cole told last night how she feels like “lamping” Simon Cowell because he is so “nasty, rude and annoying”. The chart-topping Geordie beauty has broken her silence on the increased “friction” between her and Simon on this year’s X Factor.
Posted: 28th, October 2009 | In: Celebrities, Key Posts Comments (5) | Follow the Comments on our RSS feed:RSS 2.0
The BBC’s Question Time Makes BNP Leader Nick Griffin A Celebrity
HAVING invited BNP leader Nick Griffin to the big Question Time debate, the BBC has achieved its intended goal of getting the media to talk about its show.
Maybe if Question Time can develop its policy of featuring leaders of actual political parties, however odious they are, there will be no need to hire celebrities to sell politics to a slack-jawed audience.
Today’s update comes from former Army generals have written a letter warning that political extremists had no right to share the Armed Forces’ proud reputation.
War is no place for extremists!
The open letter is signed by former heads of the Army, General Sir Mike Jackson and General Sir Richard Dannatt. As Sky News notes:
The move follows the British National Party’s (BNP) tactic of using images of Winston Churchill and wartime insignia during recent European election campaigns.
Remember that picture of the Spitfire? As Anorak noted at the time:
“Battle for Britain,” bellows the legend. That’s a Spitfire soaring thought the skies, strafing the fascist scum. Hurrah! It’s a Romeo Foxtrot Delta Plane, as flown by Polish pilots in the great fight. Poles of the famous 303 Squadron of the RAF – the group made up of Polish airmen. The Kościuszko squadron that claimed 126 enemy kills (fascists) more than any other unit during the Battle of Britain.
Who says the BNP is not inclusive, it having embraced a Jewish hippy, a far-right American nutter, climate sceptics, anti-fascist fascists, a desk off a corridor in Brussels, break dancers, coppers, Poles, the kids and fools.
The top brass’s letter to the Times goes thus:
“The BNP is claiming that it has a better relationship with the Armed Forces than other political parties. How dare they use the image of the Army, in particular, to promote their policies. These people are beyond the pale.“
Beyond the pale? An unfortunate choice of words, or may an attempt at a pun.
But if the BNP can be easily undone, it is with humour and ridicule. Treat them with the contempt you usually reserve for Labour and the Tories.
Russell Brand Appears On Question Time To Debate Ashley Cole, Nick Griffin And The BNP
ZCMSD, Tribune, Matt Wardman, Great Bustard, Chris Applegate, Tim Ireland, The Foreward News, Hullabamoo…
Posted: 20th, October 2009 | In: Key Posts, Politicians Comments (3) | Follow the Comments on our RSS feed:RSS 2.0
Forget Jail, Richard Heene Should Get An Emmy
FALCON Heene is his dad’s stooge, the Loft Boy who hoisted his dad on his own petard. Loft Boy was a fix. The media fell for it. Give Richard Heene an Emmy. Forget the reality TV series, make Richard Heene controller of ITV.
Everyone gets famous with Richard Heene. Larimer County Sheriff James Alderden is famous.
He said he believes that Falcon Heene had not hide in the attic to perpetuate a scam to make his dad Richard Heene famous:
“Our understanding is that the boy had been trying to climb in there and was yelled at by the parents. He thought that he was responsible for this balloon taking off when it wasn’t intended to” – October 16, 2009
Later, Larimer County Sheriff Jim Alderden says: “It has been determined this was a hoax, a publicity stunt to market a reality show…On the bizarre meter, this rates a 10” – October 18, 2009
Posted: 18th, October 2009 | In: Media Comment (1) | Follow the Comments on our RSS feed:RSS 2.0
Geert Wilders Draws Out The Lighter Side Of Extreme Islam
UNLOVELY Dutch right-wing politican Geert Wilders is stood outside the House Of Lords in London, there because a Government ban, which stopped him entering the country in February, was overturned.
He says the Qur’an is a “fascist book”.
“I have a problem with the Islamic ideology, the Islamic culture, because I feel the more Islam we get in our societies the less freedom we get.”
Posted: 17th, October 2009 | In: Politicians Comment | Follow the Comments on our RSS feed:RSS 2.0
Swiss Hitler Gnomes Of Zurich Invade Germany
EVER wonder what a gnome of Zurich looks like? In Straubing, in Lower Bavaria, Ottmar Hoerl, has taken 1,000 gnomes on a package holiday.
Interestingly, they are all black. And they appear to have failed to move with the times, attempting to blend in my raising their right arms raised in a Heil Hitler salute. Ottmar Hoerl says they are trying “to get people to think, to react”.
Posted: 15th, October 2009 | In: Strange But True Comments (3) | Follow the Comments on our RSS feed:RSS 2.0
Jo Wood Markets Her Home In Hello!
JO Wood, of the BBC’s Stritcly Come Dancing, hopes her estranged husband Ronnie Wood will “come over for Sunday lunch”.
Hello! records the invitation on its front page, alongside a picture of Jo looking as if the fuse has just blown on her lights. Jo is so in the dark she that she could pass for Ekaterina Ivanova, Ron’s current flame, or pretty much anyone else.
Inside the magazine, and inside Jo’s gigantic home in Kingston Vale, which is big enough to suggest that she’s not only expecting Ronnie but so too his lover, her family, the rest of the Rolling Stones, their families, any of the 70,000 or so fans who saw the Stones last play at Wembley and her next door neighbours, plus pets.
“If the walls of Holmwood House could talk, what stories they could tell,” says Hello!.
Well, they can’t talk. But they can echo. If they could talk, the place may be more homely and be filled with noise. The house is vast and empty of life. In it, Jo cuts a rather lonely, small figure. Hello! calls it “idyllic”, and it is if you want to be alone, save for a few figures of reclining and seated Buddhas by the pool and a suit of armour. And Jo.
Hello! calls it a “cosy nest”, in much the same way Hitler’s nest was cosy, or a barn is cosy to a mouse. It’s so cosy that Jo’s daughter Leah, lives next door in a cottage with her husband Jack and her baby. Tom, a friend of Leah’s brother Tyrone is living in the gatehouse.
Jo is opening the doors of her home this November for a “re-run of the successful ‘pop-up’ organic restaurant, Mrs Paisley’s Lashings“.
Jo is using her home as an eatery. Do come over. There is plenty of room. There are tens of chairs and tables. Do come. Say you will…
And then we learn that Jo is selling the property. Why? “It’s too big for me.”
And it becomes clear that his is not an ‘at home with Jo’ but ‘Buy my home”, an estate agent’s viewing organised by Hello!, in which prospective purchasers get to see the immaculate pile and learn a little of its history.
And if you pop over, you might see Jo, and get to talk to her…
Posted: 6th, October 2009 | In: Gallery, Hello! Comment | Follow the Comments on our RSS feed:RSS 2.0
Gordon Brown Fixes Adam Boulton With A Paddington Bear Stare
HUGO Rifkind is writing on the Madness of Gordon Brown, a politican who has being paying heed to the master: Paddington Bear.
We are bullying Gordon Brown to mental collapse - We may regret our attitude to the Prime Minister once he’s gone.
Well, yes. as Anorak said when George Bush made his goodbyes and pushed the pull door to contentment, ‘You’ll miss him when he’s gone.’
And Bush was bullied wasn’t he, portrayed as a dunce, a thicko who kept reading as the Twin Towers collapsed. Channel 4 even fantasized about him being murdered. Says Hugo:
I started thinking it last weekend when Andrew Marr asked the PM, effectively, if he was on antidepressants. Setting aside the curious assumption in the question (that if we did have a depressed PM, it would somehow be better if he wasn’t taking anything), you have to wonder what Marr hoped to gain by asking it.
Well, that wasn’t the question that was asked. But if you can’t find an ounce of comedy in Gordon Brown – the last man to know – then you need to look again.
Posted: 2nd, October 2009 | In: Politicians Comment (1) | Follow the Comments on our RSS feed:RSS 2.0
All The Opinions On Roman Polanski’s Rape
ROMAN Polanski is in the dock. How does he plead. His supporters shout: “The Pianist”. His enemies shout “Rapist”. But is 30 years in France enough punishment? Let’s see:
The Big News
The French government has dropped its public support for Roman Polanski, saying the 76-year-old director “is neither above nor beneath the law” – BBC
Posted: 30th, September 2009 | In: Celebrities, Key Posts Comment | Follow the Comments on our RSS feed:RSS 2.0
Five Ways Michael Jackson Was Like Hitler, By Rabbi Shmuley Boteach
MICHAEL Jackson Watch: Having mutated from the King of Pop to the King of Propofol, Jackson is bing painted Bad once more (geddit?).
The Sun leads with news that Jackson thought Hitler was genius. To emphasise Jackson’s respect for the mono-tested great dictator, the Sun finds a picture of Jackson with his right hand raised in a salute to the enlightened.
Readers are forgiven for thinking they have read this before – and they have in August the News of The World told us:
He was obsessed with Adolf Hitler, collected Nazi medals and scoured books about evil experiments on prisoners at Auschwitz.
Posted: 25th, September 2009 | In: Celebrities, Key Posts Comments (15) | Follow the Comments on our RSS feed:RSS 2.0
Barack Obama’s Hitler Youth Videos
BARACK Hussein Obama has become Barack Hitler-Obama, as is fitting his station. The Obama Jugend are learning the mantra:
Posted: 24th, September 2009 | In: Politicians Comment | Follow the Comments on our RSS feed:RSS 2.0
- Anorak on X Factor: Hairy Jordans Jedward To Star On I’m A Celebrity And Coronation Street
- Paul Wainwright on The Pirelli 2010 Calendar In Artful Nudity (NSFW)
- yampster on X Factor: Hairy Jordans Jedward To Star On I’m A Celebrity And Coronation Street
- Pete on In Photos: Susan Boyle Sings Rockefeller Center Plaza In New York City
- Katie Norman on I’m A Celebrity Watch: Katie Price Is More Hated Than Baby P’s Mum
