THERE is now so much entertainment out there theta the EU’s celebrity silos are at breaking point. You can know about people being famous whilst having no idea why they are famous. Take Adam Levine an Honey Boo.
I’ve only ever read about them in magazines on on the internet. A quick look reveals that Honey Boo Boo is the child star of a pisspoor reality telly show in which she is ridiculed by the knowing in exchange for being written about and having bars of fat tossed into her cage. Levine has tattoos, stiff hair and current fashions. He is either a footballer (which he isn’t) or a pop singer (which he is).
Adam is also a judge on a TV pro-am singing contest called The Voice, in which he pretends to be blind.
HONEY Boo Boo, TV starlet, has been immortalised in her own rubbish, or trash. Make what you will of that.
Jason Mecier lives and works in San Francisco.
EVERYONE favourite Other Child Honey Boo, star of Georgia, has been on the KTLA Morning News with her mamma.
It’s all hideous. It’s TV. It’s meant to be. The host and hostess have all the sincerity of wet, sliced, white bread.
They set it up. Honey Boo hammers it in.
TV’s job is to showcase a stereotype. Honey Boo and her mother are held up to be mocked. Get a load of the arsehat in beige asking how “funny” it is that mama knows the word “hiatus”.
HERE Comes Honey Boo Boo – look out!
MEET Honey Boo Boo, break our talent of Toddlers & Tiaras and star of TV’s Meet Honey Boo Boo. It’s the show in which the six-year-old pageant queen introduces the world to her life and family, especially her mum The Coupon Queen. In place of words, here are the clips and the gifs. Take it away Alana “Honey Boo Boo Child” Thompson, the child reared on taffeta and “go-go juice,” a mix of Mountain Dew and Red Bull:
THERE”S always a good time to be had touring through old computer books, especially if there’s lots to point at and laugh condescendingly. Technology has advanced so exponentially that a 1980s computer textbook may as well be ancient Sanskrit written on palm leaves. Suffice it to say, things have come a long way in just a short amount of time, and it’s a lot of fun to look back. So, let’s jump into Living With Computers by Patrick G. McKeown (1986).
“A complete computer system – user, software, CPU, internal memory, secondary storage, keyboard, monitor, and printer – is shown here.”
A PRIME reason for heavy metal’s success is that it is a culture unto itself. Fads come and go, but a culture has staying power. It comes with its own dress code, etiquette and idolatry. A small but important part of that culture is the album cover – the visual representation of the music, the heart of the heavy metal universe. If you’re a metal band, it’s imperative you get this facet right. So, let’s tour through some metal covers from the 1980s, a time when heavy metal was king, and learn from their successes and failures.
LESSON 1: THE 6 REQUIREMENTS
WHEN Neil McArdle, 36, realised he’d made a mess of booking Liverpool Register Office, he called St George’s Hall which houses the venue. He told them a bomb had been left in the building. It would detonate in 45 minutes.
He never did tell his bride-to-be, Amy Williams. She rocked up at the venue in full bridal wear. She found the place evacuated.
SO. Farewell Paul Elliott, who has left his role as the Football Association’s ambassador. He resigned. The former Celtic and Chelsea player, aged 48, was part of the FA’s judicial panel and sat on a load of Uefa committees. He made a big noise as a mouthpiece for anti-discrimination body Kick It Out.
“Earlier this week, a former friend and business colleague, made public a text message I sent him, in which I used a term which is widely known as being derogatory to my own community. I regret using it; it is inappropriate and not part of my everyday vocabulary. As an advocate of high-standards of public behaviour, and integrity in public life, I know the use of this word sends out mixed messages and contradicts my position as a Kick It Out trustee. I will continue to be active in other projects in what I believe to be a true and just cause.”
IT must be depressing being in a 90s boyband these days. Who remembers you? Barely no-one. If they do, they’re invariably crazed old fans, ravaged by time and still lustily chasing after you while ignoring their furious partners and children.
And so, while Kavana and Gina G Skype each other about temping for office work, 5ive have decided to leave the 90s behind and get modern, by posting a classified on Facebook in a bid to find a new fifth member.
LAST time we saw Sultan Qaboos bin Said of Oman, he was giving Queen Elizabeth 2 a golden egg, we thought her haul was pretty good. But then the Wikileaks cables were leaked and we learnt that in 2008 Qaboos toured the Mediterranean on a yacht with a 700-strong entourage. Liz stuffed up. She got Prince William’s wedding gift but lost out on the free honeymoon. Kicks up the Qaboos all round…
The wedding is in the bag, so is the ITV2 fly-in-the-soap reality TV show and the kids’ books. Just sign here, kids. Only, there is trouble in paradise, as the Star reports:
“It’s no secret that Chantelle and Preston want to give it another go but their families are at war over the idea. Chantelle’s clan are right behind the plan but Preston’s folks can’t stomach the idea in the slightest. They’re dead against it.”
No secret? It’s so secret that even OK!, the Star’s sister publication isn’t sure about it, and neither is Preston. But – Think. Of. The. Money.
“It’s made getting together in person really difficult, so at the minute they are keeping in touch on the phone.”
AUSTIN Kettle has changed her name to ‘I Hate Thomas Cook’. Miss Kettle wanted to change the details on her honeymoon booking. But there was a charge. Disgusted and outraged, Kettle changed her name to I Hate Thomas Cook. That would learn them.
Austin Kettle, 26, is now called ‘Mrs Lorraine Darla I Hate Thomas Cook And Its Associates Big Shot Company Treading on the Little Guy Leeks’.
Aka Mrs Leeks.
AFTER the world’s first Facebook divorce, news now of the world’s first WAG divorce: Michael Chopra has split with his wife of seven months after she dumped him on Facebook, says the Mail.
The story goes that Heather Swan let her husband know their marriage was over by changing her Facebook status to single.
“I’m amazed no one was killed. It looked like the emergency services were trying to get someone out of the back – maybe it was the rubber doll.”
It was. In the back of the blue Fiesta the figure of a woman appears.
The driver and his passengers are not hurt. The rubber doll is full serviceable.
All we know if that David and Jean live in a Travelodge and though they seem to be aged 79 and 70, respectively, they could be many years older.
Given the motel chain’s reputation as a den of lunchtime inseminations, it might be that the story is less that David and Jean have been living in a Travelodge for 22 years than that their better halves have been waiting over two decades for the lovers to return from posting a letter.
But the story, as told by the Express, is that David and Jean reside at a motel in Grantham.
“We get great rates because we book well in advance and all our bed linen is laundered too,” says David, pictured holding a cup of tea and enjoying views of the A1. “It doesn’t get much better than that, does it?”
This is a rhetorical question because David swiftly delivers his coup de grace.
“We only have to walk across the car park for meals as there is a Little Chef here too.”
And so the argument is with David. It does not get much better than this, although David and his lover did relocate to their current home from a Travelodge in Newark.
A spokesman for Travelodge is not unresponsive to his patron’s loyalty.
Says Paul Anstey: “To recognise their loyalty, we are going to rename their room from Number One to the Davidson’s Suite and mount a plaque in reception celebrating their 10th anniversary.”
Great days, and no little sense of achievement. Can the same be said of Clive in sales or his new associate Ms Smith..?
THE problem with the EU is that it is so incredibly dull. It’s not deliberatly dull, a ploy to lull us into a catatonic state while Hans and Peter and Lars talk of subsidies in a Belgian office block. Although it might be.
But at least the tabloid press try to get us excited. And EU Ref is on hand to interpret their fine words:
With that headline (Don’t EU Forget), no one could ever accuse the Sun of subtlety.
Thus, on the back of a general opinion poll which gives Brown a five point lead over Cameron, it picks up the response to a referendum question. This shows a massive 81 percent in favour of a referendum on the new EU constitution treaty, with 66 percent strongly in favour of a poll. Only 17 percent agreed that Parliament should decide.
Devoting its lead editorial to the issue, the paper notes that Brown is halfway through his honeymoon period, head and shoulders above Cameron in almost every department. More than half of voters think Brown is more trustworthy than the Tory leader.
But, says The Sun, “that trust will ebb away if he fails to honour Tony Blair’s promise of a referendum on the EU constitutional treaty. And then the honeymoon will be well and truly over.”
EU Ref makes its point. But it is wrong. Most of don’t understand what the EU constitution means, much less be bothered to actually get dressed, get down to the polling booth and vote on the thing.
Brown’s honeymoon period will be over soon enough, whatever he does.
Comment Central remembers one other honeymoon:
1. John Major eats chips! The decision of the new Prime Minister to dine in a Happy Eater restaurant was regarded as an indication that here was a man of the people. Within a couple of years the same meal was being satirised on Spitting Image and taken as an indication that the man had no style.
More peas, Gordon?
VISIONS OF HELL! I missed this. And now I can’t get the image from my head:
It brought us Swedish meatballs, Billy bookshelves and endless queues on the London North Circular on Saturday afternoons. Now Ikea is going one step further and opening the Ikea Hostel, where customers can stay overnight if they haven’t finished their shopping.
Later this month, Ikea Norway will let shoppers sleep overnight in one of its two Oslo warehouses, an operation that will last a week. “It will be like an alternative hostel,” said company spokesman Frode Ullebust.
“There will be the regular dormitory with lots of beds stacked up together. We will also have a bridal suite, with a round bed and a hanging chandelier, and the luxury suite, where customers can enjoy breakfast in bed,” he said. Family rooms will also be available for parents and children to join into the Ikea fun. None of the guests will be charged for their stay.
Mr Ullebust said that, as far as he knew, this was Ikea’s first foray into the hotel business. Every night, the 30 lucky few will be able to stack up on meatballs, Norwegian salmon and cranberry mousse, as Ikea is offering free dinner and breakfast at the usual canteen.
Whereas Brits may associate the Swedish furniture giant with screaming kids, traffic jams in the parking lot and an occassional riot when a new warehouse opens, it seems Norwegians see a trip to Ikea as the ultimate tourist attraction.
NO Nose Gifs are excellent. in Hollywood, noses are works in progress. These actors have all been captured without their noses. One day everyone in the Hollywood Hills will look like this; the rest of us will be cast out, as noses are viewed as mutant deformities, like humps, webbed feet and back hair…
Spotter: Noseless Gifs, featuring the no noses of: Elijah Wood, Toby Maguire, Jerry Seinfeld, Russell Brand, Anne Hathaway, Honey Boo Boo, Zayn One Direction, Harry Styles, Billy Boyd, Jason Segel, John Krasinski,Robert Downey Jr.,
KATE Middleton, Duchess of Cambridge, is pregnant. How did you react?
In hospital with acute morning sickness? Does she also sleep on a pile of feather mattresses with a pea underneath it?
THE Sun has an interesting story on witchcraft in the UK:
HUNDREDS of British tots are victims of ritual abuse by parents convinced their child is possessed, police said yesterday. The Sun told on Tuesday how people in South London performed a 4am exorcism on a toddler.
In another case outlined at the Met’s Witchcraft and Spirit Possession event, a youngster was starved, beaten and caged as the parents feared evil spirits would jump from the child. One victim told how her aunt force-fed her for being a witch.
And not at all far-fetched.
In 2010, Uganda’s Minister for Ethics and Integrity James Buturo appealed for help. The report:
He appealed to religious leaders regardless of the difference in faith to spearhead the campaigns to wipeout witchcraft and homosexuality in the country.
WITH any luck the plague of “black-eyed children” will have a taste for ebola, rather than a liking for blue-eyed children, who are the tabloids’ preferred little monsters.
Following news of a black-eyed child-sized ghost playing peek-a-boo in Cannock Chase comes news that the planet if rife with a tribe of such beings.
The Star’s Jimmy McCloskey has news:
Paranormal experts have reported a puzzling rise in the number of frightening apparitions that have been recorded.
THE Mirror’s Brian Reade wants to talk about the problem of grown men exercising their right to free speech. Not everyone gets paid to comment, like a by-lined journalist does. Some people just talk and tweet and write with no concern for deadline or encouraging reader interest and clicks.
Reade begins his columns by explaining how things were great in the days of Roy Race, a fictional footballer who existed in a comic. Reade delivers some Melchester Rovers banter:
FAN: “You were lucky today, Roy.”
ROY: “Really? I thought we had your lot on the run.”
FAN: “Our lot run? That’ll be the day.”
ROY: “Ha ha. That’s a bit unfair on your lads.”
THE success rate of old television shows brought to the big screen is a sad one, to say the least. Time after time, great shows have been adapted to film with less than stellar results. Sure, there have been a few good ones, but they’re the exception, not the rule. Here are some of the tragic attempts made in the last decade or so. This list is by no means comprehensive. There are many more examples of Hollywood’s inability to get it right, but this is all I can ask of you to stomach in one sitting.
Fat Albert (2004)
I’m sure there are people who enjoyed the Fat Albert remake… but then, I’m sure there are also people who like to get peed on.
To quote Roger Ebert’s review of North (1994): “I hated this movie. Hated hated hated hated hated this movie. Hated every simpering stupid vacant audience-insulting moment of it. Hated the sensibility that thought anyone would like it. Hated the implied insult to the audience by its belief that anyone would be entertained by it.”
The Honeymooners (2005)
Science Fact of the Day: If there exists an alternate universe composed entirely of anti-matter, then the greatest film ever made in that universe is The Honeymooners.
Get Smart (2008)
This film adaptation somehow managed to discard all the camp humor and charm while retaining every shred of stupidity. (slow clap)
The Flintstones (1994)
Charlie’s Angels (2000)
The Charlie’s Angels film adaptation bears just enough resemblance to the TV series to be insulting, but also finds new ways to be terrible in its own right. Thanks to tons of hype, it made big piles of money on its release… but as time wears on, it sinks deeper and deeper beneath the bargain bin; forever forgotten unwanted.
The Mod Squad (1999)
The Mod Squad adaptation could have been good. Just a few minor tweaks like rewriting the script from scratch and firing everyone involved is all that it would have taken to make this better.
McHale’s Navy (1997)
To paraphrase Mark Twain’s review of an Ambrose Bierce book: “For every laugh that is in this movie, there are five blushes, ten shudders and a vomit.”
The Avengers (1998)
The Avengers adaptation is a pus-filled bedsore of a film that should be avoided like an exploding bag of hepatitis. But, otherwise, it’s not too bad.
The Beverly Hillbillies (1993)
Say what you will about the original series, it was pretty funny. The film version, however, seems to be saturated in some sort of comedy-repellant.
My Favorite Martian (1999)
To quote TIME magazine’s review of the silver screen adaptation of Myra Breckinridge: This film is “about as funny as a child molester.”
Dukes of Hazzard (2005)
To compare the Dukes of Hazzard TV show to the movie is to understand the difference between lovably dumb and abrasively retarded.
I Spy (2002)
What a hot mess this was. But let’s not lose sight that there have been some damn good adaptations as well (ex. Star Trek, The Addams Family, Mission Impossible, Starsky & Hutch).
The problem is there seems to be no end to the awful adaptions. There’s Steve Martin’s horrific fail, Sgt. Bilko (1996), Will Smith’s nightmare rehash of Wild Wild West (1999), Matthew Broderick’s retarded abyss known as Inspector Gadget (1999), Tom Hanks’s foray into fecal cinema, Dragnet (1987), Disney’s steaming turd called George of the Jungle (1997), Will Farrell’s waking nightmare, Land of the Lost (2009), Johnny Depp’s public humiliation, Dark Shadows (2012) ….. you get the picture.
What happens to these film adaptations that everything that was good about the original series is sucked out? Hollywood seems to think that jettisoning the heart and soul of a TV series is okay; what matters is retaining the “brand”’. Thus, only the name and appearance stay the same. Yet, what made the originals so enduring are lost in the shuffle as these misguided film adaptations shit themselves as they fall off the cliff.
BACK in January, we covered The Top Ten Lyrical Low Points of the 1980s. Well, it’s time to tackle another decade – the 1970s. While there were certainly a lot of good songs with good lyrics recorded during this period, there was a metric f**k-ton of bad ones as well. But despite the enormity of the task, we’ve waded through it and plucked out the worst of reasonably well-known songs, and here they are…