I’m A Celebrity: Katie Price’s Lesbian Milf Affair And Therapy
I’M A Celebrity Watch: Anorak’s daily look at the jungle show in the news: Katie Price’s jungle therapy, lesbian affair, Milf credentials and proud kids.
Katie Price is not yet in the overgrown Blue Peter garden – but she still manages to be the only contestant to feature on any tabloid front pages.
In readiness for Jordan’s arrival, a swinging bench love seat has been erected on the spot where Peter Andre and Jordan fell for each other in 2004.
Producer Marty Benson admitted: “We want canoodling. The swing offers them some privacy. Hopefully they’ll talk about the other people in the camp. It’s surrounded by cameras, so we’ll capture everything they do on the swing. It’s located where Peter Andre wrote Insania in series three. It seemed appropriate somehow.”
Daily Star: “MY GIRL ON GIL JUNGLE LUST”
Katie Price has heard that Samantha Fox is a lesbian. Not a lesbian who pushes her big naked chest into another girl’s chest on Page 3 or has had her breasts groped by Trinny ‘The Tranny’ Woodall or Gok Wan, but an actual lesbian.
You know like, er, celebrity jungle alumni Janice Dickinson:
Janice, 54, who has flown to Australia for the ITV2 spin-off show Get Me Out Of Here Now, told the Daily Star: “Jordan is great. We had a lesbian affair on the flight over. It was great. We joined the mile high club. I didn’t know her until now.”
Not a grope on the flight but a full-blown affair, with dates, furtive texts, tears, melancholic taxi rides through rainy streets and loadsa shagging.
So expect lots of lesbian sex. As the Sun says:
Fumble in the jungle? Not at any Price
Phwoaar!!! In other news, we look at Katie’s mental health:
Daily Mirror: “I’m NOT nuts”
Beneath a picture of Katie Price looking like she emerged from Dr Frankenstein’s Cosmetic Studios - a child beauty pageant heads stuck onto a pair of Ford fiesta airbags and Barbies body – readers hear:
“For others, it’s a game show. For me, it’s closure. I’m going back to a place where a big fairytale began for me.
“I met my husband, I had two more beautiful children and six years on I’ve been married, divorced, ready to go back in. I’ve had a crap year and the fairytale has ended. I’m going in for closure.”
It’s not a telly show - it’s a place for Jordan to exorcise her demons. It’s therapy.
“People think I’m breaking down, I’ve lost the plot, I’m not a good mum, I’m a man-eater. They’ve got all these perceptions but I think that when people see me again, like last time, they’ll see I’m grounded, if not more grounded.”
See the Daily Star’s story all-too-unbelievable story about her being grounded aboard a Jumbo Jet Down Under before she sucks down a kangaroos genitals. This one’s for you, Pete. And the kids:
She said of her three children: “They’ll be able to watch me on telly and be proud of their mum.” But she also announced: “I am the jungle MILF” - referring to the cheeky term for “mum I’d like to f***”.
Mum I’d Like To **** is “cheeky” to the Sun. It makes you wonder what the tabloids consider crude.
Here’s Jordan to save a telly show that doesn’t need saving.
Posted: 16th, November 2009 | In: Celebrities, Key Posts Comments (5) | Follow the Comments on our RSS feed:RSS 2.0
I’m A Celebrity Janice Dickinson Takes A Dump
HAVING endured the I’m A Celebrity Jungle in 2007, Janice Dickinson is now doing it in the American version.
Dickinson is an I’m A Celebrity vet. And talking of vets, if Janice were an animal she’d be in need of a vet to grease up the arm and dive in elbow deep. Janice is constipated.
This may be Janice’s preferred condition, it giving her that facial expression. But Janice wants it out. As Jezebel reports, Janice has not laid a super-model-size poo for seven days.
This means she is, possibly, heavier than her normal weight by at least a gram.
But shit will out. And if won’t come out via the Dickinson clutch bag, then it will find a new escape route…
Enjoy this exchange - and afterwards, wash your hands:
Posted: 16th, June 2009 | In: Celebrities, Key Posts Comment | Follow the Comments on our RSS feed:RSS 2.0
Gemma Atkinson Pulls On Jack Osbourne’s Rubber
TODAY Gemma Atkinson will be telling Daily Star readers about her “WILD ROMPS” with Jack Osbourne.
Jack is the son of vibrating pop sensation Ozzy Osbourne and pixie-voiced house-poo enthusiast Sharon Osbourne. Jack also wears glasses. That’s Jack.
Gemma is a former soap actress, wannabe Wag and the owner of two signed Cristiano Ronaldo that she keeps close to her heart beneath the skin on her chest.
Posted: 7th, October 2008 | In: Celebrities, Tabloids Comments (10) | Follow the Comments on our RSS feed:RSS 2.0
Celebrity Quote Of The Day: Sylvester Stallone’s Fist
SYLVESTER Stallone is plugging his new film on Howard Stern.
The NY Post reports: “The talk quickly turned to women, with Sly denying Janice Dickinson’s claims he injected her with steroids. ‘The only thing I injected her with was my fist’.”
Anyone know what he means?
Posted: 25th, January 2008 | In: Anorak In New York, Celebrities Comments (5) | Follow the Comments on our RSS feed:RSS 2.0
Jungle Survivor Janice Dickinson Wants To Eat Dec Up
FRESH from the celebrity jungle, Nip ‘n’ Bush Tucker stalwart Janice Dickinson tells Sun readers: “Dec is so hot. I want to put him a thong and play wild games with him. Grrowl!”
Dec is, of course, one smallish part of Ant ‘n’ Dec (although which is uncertain), who host I’m A Celebrity Get Me Out Of Here.
Considering the dimensions of Dec – did Janice say a sarcastic Grrow or Grrowl? -and the size of Dickinson’s toothsome maw, there is a real danger that the jungle could have a cannibalistic element.
Forget the cockroaches and the kangaroo’s gonads, Janice is going to chew up Dec and, very possibly, spit him out.
As such we urge readers to be on the look out for celebrities who have shared the jungle clearing with Dickinson, namely: Bannerman (Marc), Brown (Jason), Franks (Lynne), Hopkins (Katie), Race (John Barton) and many, many more…
We fear we shall never see them again…
Posted: 3rd, December 2007 | In: Celebrities, Tabloids Comment | Follow the Comments on our RSS feed:RSS 2.0
The Thicket Of It: Janice Dickinson And The Sum Of Her Parts
TO the I’m A Celebrity Jungle, where the locals are educating viewers in the ways of maths, or maffs.
Question: “What is 20 per cent of 60?”
Turn the dial on the safe to the correct answer and gain access to the food within, a chocolate cake. Answer wrong and get no food.
Teachers, Ed Balls and food activists look on with interest. Is this the answer to the obesity and stupidity epidemic in our schools?
The debate goes like this (as transcribed by the Daily Mail):
Janice Dickinson: 40, 30, 10, 5
Cerys Matthews: If ten per cent is six what’s 20 per cent?
Jason ‘J’ Brown: Did you put 24 in the padlock?
Janice: I did and it wouldn’t open.
Cerys: It’s 12 isn’t it?
Jason: No, it’s 20 per cent.
Cerys: What’s 10 per cent of 60 then? It’s six.
Jason: No, 12. It’s because she didn’t get it on the red line.
Cerys: Well I can’t do percentages then.
Chris Biggins: So what is 10 per cent of 60?
Cerys: Twelve he said. I thought it was six.
Janice: I thought it was six. It is six.
Biggins: Ten per cent of 60 is six.
Jason: Ten per cent of what?
Biggins: Of 60 is six.
Jason: But you want 20 per cent.
Biggins: Yeah, then you double it. If ten per cent is six, 20 per cent is 12.
Jason: What was the sum?
Jason: Well a fifth of 60 is 12.
Cerys: Yes, that’s what the answer is. You don’t have to double it.
Janice: It’s a really smart game and we ****ed up.
No cake. Tomorrow - Gemma Atkinson calculates what comes after DD, Jason wonders what happened to the other three members of his former band Five and budding celebrities work out that if you want to get on the telly and in the papers it pays to play dumb…
Posted: 29th, November 2007 | In: Tabloids Comment (1) | Follow the Comments on our RSS feed:RSS 2.0
I’m A Celebrity Fixed It For Janice Dickinson
THIS season’s I’m A Celebrity…Get Me Out Of Here! is following the well-trod steps of reality shows past.
The Star brings news of the obligatory betting scandal. In “JANICE JUNGLE BET FIX”, readers get the front-page news that a gambling scam is threatening the show.
Plans are afoot to flood phone lines and make Janice Dickinson (6-1) this year’s winner. Of course, we have read of phone line scams in the past, and note that the only cons so far proven have been those perpetuated by the programme makers.
These “mystery syndicates” should note that though things have improved - steps taken, heads rolled etc. - care should be taken. Not all calls may be logged.
Anorak advises not taking the chance and instead sticking to the tried-and-tested: nobbling the opposition.
Look out for Bush Nip ‘n’ Tucker Dickinson being eased to victory as one by one her agonists are eaten by insects, poisoned by a “bad” kangaroo gonad and sent to join the cast of Celebrity Emergency Ward as the rope bridge carrying them to what passes for civilisation in Australia becomes “frayed”…
Picture: The Spine
Posted: 27th, November 2007 | In: Celebrities, Tabloids Comments (4) | Follow the Comments on our RSS feed:RSS 2.0
Janice Dickinson Is This Year’s David Gest
JANICE Dickinson is this year’s David Gest.
Last year, Gest appeared on I’m A Celebrity Get Me Out Of Here! and we wondered if he would fall to pieces – literally.
Now Janice is in the celebrity clearing, and we are looking on wondering if the former model can hold it together, or be held together in a tight fitting suit.
“Everything about me is fake,” quipped Janice as she made her way into the jungle, “I was the first in line when they started handing out Botox – and I’m perfect.!
Or “purffett”, as any Botox enthusiast would concur.
“I coined the world supermodel back in 1979,” says Janice. “I wasn’t clever enough to trademark it but I truly did milk it for all it was worth.”
Can you trademark a word? Perhaps Janice means she should have brought out a range of Supermodel goods – shower gels, deodorants, anaesthetics – and brand them?
“I loped the earth during the ice ages when supermodels ruled the world,” says she.
Only, supermodels were not invented until 1979, so Janice would have to have been loping as a mammoth, starnose mole or a giant beaver…
Posted: 21st, November 2007 | In: Celebrities, OK! Comment (1) | Follow the Comments on our RSS feed:RSS 2.0
Bush Tucker Tuck: What’s Eating Janice Dickinson
ONE fact you may not know about I’m A Celebrity agonist Janice Dickinson is that she has had “everything done”. Not everything done for her – Janice is not Jungle Queen yet! – rather everything done to her.
As the Star reports, Janice has spent £60,000 having her teeth sorted out. “Now they are perfect,” she opines. “My face is my fortune.”
Indeed, what with the cost of the teeth, nose, eyes, lips and hair, Janice is worth more in part then in her entirety.
But what about levelling the playing field? Who’s for a game of Bush Tucker Tuck, in which viewers vote for which of the gang they want to undergo a procedure?
Off cuts can then be fed to the other contestants in a delightful stew made by on-hand chef John (who may be called upon to eat himself!)…
Posted: 20th, November 2007 | In: Tabloids Comment | Follow the Comments on our RSS feed:RSS 2.0
Feeling For Gemma Atkinson And Janice In The Celebrity Jungle
WITH just three days to find out who Gemma Atkinson is, the Star once more features the I’m A Celebrity agonist on its cover page.
“GEMMA I WANT FUMBLE IN THE JUNGLE,” announces the front-page headline as Gemma gamely invites the blind and partially sighted to see if they can identity her by the power of touch.
“After eating croc willy Gemma will be up for nookie!” says the Star. Such is the way of celebrity that Gemma Atkinson’s personal life is now the stuff of tabloid sensation, and many would prefer not to know.
But the Star is fearless in its pursuit of truth. As is the reliable Daily Sport, which leads with “WE FIND BLOKE WHO JANICE HASN’T BONKED.”
Janice is I’m A Celebrity’s Janice Dickinson, Coronation Street’s goby seamstress.
“BUSHF#@%ER MORE LIKE!,” says the Sport’s headline approvingly. “Sex mad Janice will chew ‘em up and spit ‘em out.” As we say, she’s the goby one…
Posted: 9th, November 2007 | In: TV & Radio, Tabloids Comment | Follow the Comments on our RSS feed:RSS 2.0
I’m A Celebrity Get Me Out Here: A Tabloid Guessing Game
I’M A Celebrity Get Me Out Here is all set to begin. And the Sun issues a challenge to budding tabloid writers: Can you name all of the celebrities?
The paper’s front page is a forest of faces, some almost familiar, some less so.
Jobbing Chris Biggins is easy to spot, although if he were to remove his feature glasses, there is no small chance he would look like “John Burton Race” or “Katie Hopkins”. And is “John Burton Race” the infamous provincial solicitors practice, the one forever locked in a bitter war for local business with “Anna Ryder Richardson”?
Fred Fairbass or Craig Fairbass. Is Marc Bannerman the celebrity chef, for surely there must be one in the group?
As ever with the tabloids, when one organ dares try the different, another should spoil it. And the Mirror leads with news of the “secret” I’m A Celebrity line—up.
There are pictures of the “CELEBS”. And looking through the faces and biogs we realise that these can’t be the real contestants, but mere stooges, part of a PR stunt to make the genuine celebrities appear, well, genuine when they swing into the jungle.
Janice Dicksinson? Ingrid Tarrant? As if…
Posted: 8th, November 2007 | In: TV & Radio, Tabloids Comments (12) | Follow the Comments on our RSS feed:RSS 2.0
If Janice Dickinson Was On Big Brother…
THe self-proclaimed first American supermodel seems to be auditioning for celebrity Big Brother. On reality TV, says the middle-aged tailor’s dummy: “I’d fuck Simon Cowell in a heartbeat. And I think his girlfriend’s pretty cute - I’d fuck her, too. And I wouldn’t judge Pete Doherty by his looks - he might have a 12 foot penis!” Ok, it’s not strictly Big Brother, but it could be…
Posted: 9th, June 2007 | In: Big Brother TV Comment (1) | Follow the Comments on our RSS feed:RSS 2.0
Bam Ham Slam - Thank You, Ma’am
‘BRAD should take a leaf out of Sly Stallone’s book - now there’s a guy who knows how to please a woman.
 |
| Sensitive, articulate, refined |
When not beating his meat in an abattoir as Rocky or hiding behind bushes as Rambo, the Italian Stallion was living up to his name in the bedroom of former supermodel Janice Dickinson.
For a start his arms were ”massive - bigger than Christy Turlington’s thighs” (and bigger than Charles Hawtrey’s too, we might add).
Not only that, but he would say ”bam ham slam” after sex - presumably working on lines for his next silver-tongued cinematic role. For he had a winning way with words, despite his rudimentary vocabulary.
”Say nice things about me,” he told her, ”and I’ll say nice things about you.” And she does - in her new book No Lifeguard on Duty: The Accidental Life of the World’s First Supermodel.
Pity Warren Beatty didn’t come to the same arrangement
‘
Posted: 30th, August 2002 | In: Media Comment | Follow the Comments on our RSS feed:RSS 2.0
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