Alan Sugar Says ‘Labour Offers No Route Out Of Recession’
SURRR Alan Sugar is soon to be Lord Alan Sugar - Lorrralan. Sugar is Brown’s big pointy finger, pointing the way ahead.
Posted: 7th, June 2009 | In: Politicians Comment (1) | Follow the Comments on our RSS feed:RSS 2.0
The Apprentice’s Lorraine In Sex Club Orgy
WORKING out who to hate in The Apprentice is this season’s challenge.
Ben Clarke is easy to dislike. But the carbed-up version of Coronation Street Rat Boy David Platt is being edged out by Philip, the charmless, self-centred former estate agent who thinks shouting down women is a stepping stone to a place on The Sunday Times Rich List.
His sounding board last week was Lorraine Tighe, who the News of The World says is a “SWINGER” fresh from a “sweaty orgy in a sex club”.
Posted: 26th, April 2009 | In: Celebrities Comment | Follow the Comments on our RSS feed:RSS 2.0
All Christians Are Islamophobes Says Children’s Magazine
THIS cartoon is claled Standing Up For What You Believe In, and features in the latest issue of Klic!, the quarterly magazine aimed at 8-to-12-year-olds in care.
It’s published by the Who Cares? Trust - and aims to be “the best ever mag for kids in care”, beating off competition from Playstation Monthly, Readers’ Wives and The Lady.
Posted: 5th, April 2009 | In: Media Comments (3) | Follow the Comments on our RSS feed:RSS 2.0
David Cameron Employs Tony Blair To Save His British Business
DAY 2 of the Daily Mail’s campaign to help small firms, and the drive is already bearing dividends.
What are the odds that the campaign that coincided with the Government and Opposition’s drive to help small business would be such an instant hit?
If only the politicos listened.
“First day of the Mail campaign brings action from the Government and key pledges from the Tories.”
Hurrah!
Posted: 21st, October 2008 | In: David Cameron, Media Comment (1) | Follow the Comments on our RSS feed:RSS 2.0
Alan Sugar Urges Those With Big Balls To Get Behind Gordon Brown
IF only The Apprentice’s Alan Sugar could fire Gordon Brown. But Sir Alan only wants the best staff to fill that office job vacancy in Brentwood.
Can he make Gordon an offer he cannot ignore, perhaps pushing Sugar’s new range of Amstrad teeth whitening fluid?
Here’s Sir Alan championing his man at the start of the Labour Party conference. You may need to wash you teeth after reading this:
“My company got into big trouble at the end of the eighties. I was into the banks for £150million. That was a lot of money then. I had £300million pounds of inventory and I also had a bunch of executives that had enjoyed the rise to fame.
“I called them all in for a meeting and I said, ‘Those of you who are worried about tarnishing your CVs who might wanna leave what they perceive to be a sinking ship like rats, clear off now. And those of you that are with me we’re going to go into battle and sort this out.’
Posted: 21st, September 2008 | In: Celebrities, Gordon Brown, Politicians Comments (23) | Follow the Comments on our RSS feed:RSS 2.0
Did Heather Mills Lie On Her Apprentice CV?
THANKS to the Sun we know that Heather Mills will not be appearing on the Celebrity Apprentice.
Mills will not be taking a pointy finger form Donald Trump, eh of the tsunami hair, as she is fired for failing to sell musical knickers at the televised fiscal-celebrity interface.
The Sun says this is because Lady Heather wanted a clause in her contract that ensured she would be in the show’s final.
Posted: 10th, September 2008 | In: Celebrities, TV & Radio, Tabloids Comments (8) | Follow the Comments on our RSS feed:RSS 2.0
Arab Alan Sugar Buys Manchester City
MANCHESTER City have been sold to Abu Dhabi United Group for Development and Investment, Make Wonderful Sexy Football For You and My Family, Please.
The Sun says the group is worth between £650billion and £800billion, give or take a few hundred billion either way.
Posted: 2nd, September 2008 | In: Back pages, Tabloids Comment | Follow the Comments on our RSS feed:RSS 2.0
The Apprentice: Alan Sugar’s Robotic Fingers And Booster Seat
NEWS is that Sir Alan Sugar may use his pointy finger to make himself appear taller.
The Apprentice reject Jenny Celerier tells Virgin Radio host Christian O’Connell: “I did notice when he got on to his chair he did a sort of little jump to get on to it.”
When pressed on the subject of child booster seats, Ms Clerier mused: “I’m saying he might do.”
Sir Alan stands at 5ft 6ins, but with his finger extended in “You’re fired” mode, he elongates to 5ft 10ins.
Posted: 9th, May 2008 | In: TV & Radio Comments (2) | Follow the Comments on our RSS feed:RSS 2.0
Alan Sugar’s Police Force Go At A Fair Clip
WANT to know how Sir Alan Sugar would “fix broken Britain”.
With a pointy finger, a moan about the bluddy no-marks and a call to the service centre?
Sir Alan says he’d use a “slegdgehammer to crack a nut”. That the sledgehammer would be an Amstrad Sledge-0-Player, the only hammer that doubles as a video recorder is beside the point.
Sir Alan wants respect, he very possibly demands it. Says he: “When I was a lad [stay with it] we’d often walk through the street and make a load of noise or kick a can or whatever.”
Yeah. Whatever.
“Then we’d get collared by a copper and he’d give you a clip round the ear!”
Ah, those were the days when spontaneous acts of violence meant something. But things haven’t changed so much, not really.
And in the Mirror’s “I CAN’T BREATHE, I CAN’T BREATHE,” readers get three shots of CCTV footage of four coppers giving Frank Ogboru a clip around the ear – or restraining him, as it is now termed – to such a degree that he stops breathing and dies.
Posted: 6th, May 2008 | In: Tabloids Comment (1) | Follow the Comments on our RSS feed:RSS 2.0
Gay Men Do Alan Sugar’s The Apprentice
IT might be the pointy finger that does it, but whatever the reason the Star says “GAYS” are “SWEET” on Alan Sugar, human resources director of BBC TV’s The Apprentice.
“Apprentice sex shock for Alan,” says the paper.
Reading on we learn that while some kinkier “gays” will doubtless fancy Sugar’s bristly charms, it is his would-be apprentices who possess the allure.
It turns out that Sir Alan Sugar has become a gay hero after hiring a workstation of handsome chaps.
We’d like to chip in and say that Sugar is unlikely to have chosen the show’s agonists, all of whom are surely plucked from reality show central casting:
Nicholas de Lacy-Brown - The idiotic toff with the idiotic toff’s name has already left the show.
Raef Bjayou – The ethnic representation with a name that sounds like something uttered by an ejaculating donkey. Bjayou looks like the toilet attendant in the Bates Motel.
Lee McQueen – Best name of the bunch. McQueen should appeal to the gays.
Says Lee: “If you missed something in the earlier part of your life, you’ll find it again before your time is up.”
Old Mr Anorak The Elder once lost a stuffed brown bear only to be reunited with it seconds before his death when his son and heir pushed it on a roller skate into his room to the accompanying sound “Boo!”
Kevin Shaw – Kevin has excitable hair and the look of a Division 2 footballer. Says Kevin: “I will take no prisoners in the boardroom and will nail anyone who gets in my way.” Translation: I am fixated by crucifixion and death.
Simon Smith – Simon says: “I’m too soft at times - I fall for the little old lady factor.” Simon is the Essex boy contestant most likely to try and pull Sugar’s mother.
Michael Sophocles - A swarthy Telesales Executive sat in his pod dreaming of world domination. Get this “I am single minded and will manipulate others if necessary to get to the prize.” Translation: I can only think of one thing at a time and have no friends”
Ian Stringer - The token Celt. Ian gives the best quote of all: “There are two kinds of people in the world. Winners and… I don’t know how to spell the other word. I can’t say it…” Translation: I have a peech imthediment and am crip at speeling.”
Alex Wotherpoon – No nonsense Northerner. Says Alex: “I expect people to obey clear instructions. If this doesn’t happen I become annoyed.” You can hear the production team mouthing “You’re fired” as he entered the room.
All in all, an utterly unfanciable, unlovely bunch of l… What was it again, Ian? No, not lovers. Close. Try again…
Posted: 2nd, April 2008 | In: Celebrities, TV & Radio, Tabloids Comments (4) | Follow the Comments on our RSS feed:RSS 2.0
JOHN Gaunt’s Sun column is required reading for anyone with breathing difficulties.
Gaunt writes as if he’s scared to breathe. Any pause and he will lose the thread and forget what’s he’s shouting about. Accordingly, and cleverly, he has developed a writing style that means readers can join his column at any point - top, end, even mid-senstence - and still know what his opinion is.
Today, Guant tells us that the Sundays Times, calls him the “king of talk radio” and a “star”. The Sunday Times is owned by Rupert Murdoch’s company, which also owns The Sun.
Gaunt tells us that Ross Kemp In Afghanistan is “going to clean up at every ceremony”. Ross playing at soldiers will win gongs at the Baftas, a TV Quick Award and a statuette moulded into the shape of pointy finger for Best Soap Opera Row.
Sky One is also owned by Rupert Murdoch’s company.
John Gaunt is his own man…
Posted: 1st, February 2008 | In: Tabloids Comment (1) | Follow the Comments on our RSS feed:RSS 2.0
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