Global Warming, Hedgehogs And Jordan
A PICTURE in the Express of a hedgehog with one foot wrapped in a green bandage. Thanks to the long summer and warm autumns, hedgehogs have been born later and are right now out looking for food when they should be hibernating. And that means more “consequences”.
But there is hope for hedgehogs. And Anorak turns back the clock to May 2006:
JORDAN IN HEDGEHOG HORROR SHAME
JORDAN was last night relieved of her duties as a roving ambassador for the Spiny Friends Hedgehog Hospital. Since undergoing treatment for alcohol and fame addiction, the voluptuous model has thrown herself into her charity role. On this occasion, however, she threw herself too hard.
Jordan recently split from her latest boyfriend, Fisher Athletic goalkeeper Jason Pike, and sources in her favourite eatery, the Café Classique kebab house in Uxbridge, say that that they have seen her drunk and unsteady in recent weeks. She seems to have been the worse for drink yesterday while opening a new hedgehog counselling centre - a project close to her heart, which helps hedgehogs overcome feelings of low esteem, often brought on alcohol and drug abuse.
After posing for pictures, Jordan became annoyed by photographers who jokingly asked her to fall over. Eventually she snapped and lunged at one of them - falling over in the process and squashing Henry, a six-year old hedgehog with a long-term eating disorder. Henry was retrieved from the celebrity’s cleavage but was put down soon afterwards.
A tearful Jordan was seen leaving the sanctuary in a cab.
A spokesman for Spiny Friends said that Jordan’s involvement with the hospital had reached the end of its natural life, and thanked her for her work.
Posted: 4th, December 2007 | In: All Our Yesterdays, Tabloids | Comment | Follow the Comments on our RSS feed:RSS 2.0
The Recipe For A Perfect Orgasm
BOFFINS at the University of Wisconsin have come up with a sexy new formula – for the perfect orgasm. The equation reads: X = (D+KY)^2/sin(PG-1) (where X = ecstasy, P = penetration, G = G spot, D = Dale Winton, K = Kleenex and Y = yoghurt).
Posted: 16th, November 2007 | In: All Our Yesterdays | Comments (7) | Follow the Comments on our RSS feed:RSS 2.0
Britain Is Bonkers For ‘The Barrow’: Sex Survey Says
IT’S official – Britain is bonkers for ‘the barrow’. Almost half of us say the Wheelbarrow, which involves the man holding the woman’s legs as if they were the handles of a barrow [see diagram], is our favourite sex position, according to the authoritative UK Sex Survey.
The popularity of the position has soared since Prince Edward and Sophie were seen using it in their now infamous honeymoon tape – and more than 47% of the 12,000 British adults interviewed in the annual poll ranked it as their No.1 bedroom choice.
The Missionary position, for many years the nation’s favourite, has now slipped to fifth with only 12% of the vote, behind the 69, Doggie and The Bucking Bronco.
Paul Pruhit, of the UK Sex Survey Group, said the results showed Brits were becoming more and more adventurous in bed. “With sex as with so many other things, where Prince Edward leads, the country follows,” he added. The poll also found that the image most men call to mind to stop them climaxing prematurely is that of a naked Vanessa Feltz. A massive 79% say the heavy-boned former TV presenter is a more effective passion-killer than their grandmother (8%), Ann Widdecombe (3%) and Jono Coleman (3%).
Other survey results in summary:
• Only 17% of men can spell clitoris
• 36% of women prefer a visit to the dentist to having sex with their partner
• 31% of women are having an affair with their dentist
• Porsche drivers really do have smaller penises than drivers of any other car; Volvo drivers are the most well-endowed
• 24% of women and 7% of men have fantasised about having sex with Richard Madeley
Read Me & My Hay Barrow
Posted: 15th, November 2007 | In: All Our Yesterdays | Comments (4) | Follow the Comments on our RSS feed:RSS 2.0
Root Of All Evil - August 2008
IT’S quite a turnip for the books.
Accountant Garry Dodson was cooking dinner in his Bolton bedsit when he noticed something strange about the turnip he was preparing to peel.
“I got the shock of my life when I saw it,” said Garry. “The turnip had a very evil look, and when I examined it closer, I saw it was the spitting image of Tony Blair.”
It’s not the first time Conservative voter Garry, 31, has come across a political lookalike in his vegetable crisper. On his window sill he keeps a potato that bears an uncanny resemblance to Ann Widdecombe.
“I’m going to start a Parliament,” he joked. “If anyone sees a carrot that looks like Charles Kennedy, please get in touch.”
Posted: 6th, August 2006 | In: All Our Yesterdays | Comment (1) | Follow the Comments on our RSS feed:RSS 2.0
Teachers See Red Over Blue Schoolbook
‘AN Essex schoolboy has declared war on progressive education in a pamphlet he believes will fire the imagination of young people everywhere. But his teachers are less enthusiastic, and he has upset some of them with his outspoken views.
Barry Richards, 16, is a pupil at the Wat Tyler comprehensive in Grays, and a leading member of the Essex Young Conservatives.
His book, The Little Blue Schoolbook, is a riposte to controversial Little Red Schoolbook, which was published in the UK earlier this year. But whereas the original enjoins pupils to organise strikes and demonstrations, Richards version extols the virtues of obedience, patriotism and polished shoes.
‘It is aimed at normal, decent young people who have no interest in pop music or demonstrations,’ he said, adding that he did not wish to be ‘brainwashed by left-wing teachers or commissars, as they should be called’.
This is not the first time that Richards has been in the news. Two years ago he attracted headlines when his school abolished its school uniform. Richards responded by creating his own, complete with cap, blazer, tie, shorts and socks.
A series of letters to national newspapers created wider interest, and led to the launch of his Stand Up for Standards campaign. He was particularly critical of teachers, accusing them of having no pride in their appearance and setting a poor example to pupils.
‘Its high time some of them had a bath and did a bit of business with Mr Wilkinson and his sword,’ he declared.
The shorts may have gone replaced by smart grey trousers but the attitude is unchanged. ‘Thisll get the Reds on the run,’ he told reporters, brandishing a copy of his manifesto outside the school gates. However, his fellow pupils appear to be unconvinced by his rhetoric.
Most regard him as a figure of fun rather than a potent new political force, and have declined his offer of a cut-price copy. There was little sign of animosity, though.
Two bearded protesters proffered a leaflet entitled The Truth About The Little Fascist Schoolbook, but there were few takers.
A spokesman for the NUT confirmed that there had been a disagreement between Richards and a female member of staff the previous day, although he said that there had been no suggestion of industrial action.
Compiled by Ed Barrett’
Posted: 24th, March 2006 | In: All Our Yesterdays | Comment | Follow the Comments on our RSS feed:RSS 2.0
‘IT was South Londons wedding of the year, and everyone who was anyone in the world of the 1950s-style rocknroll was there to see Leonard Potts marry his beautiful bride Susan Perkins.
The story of their romance is worthy of the silver screen. Leonard, aka Legless Lenny, is a teddy boy of 21 years standing and for most of them, he has been standing on a pair of metal legs, after a motorcycle accident in his teenage years.
But although the crash left him all shook up for a while, he was soon back at the centre of the local rock n roll scene, and has stayed there ever since.
He organised last years Teddy Boys Picnic for charity, and invaded the stage at Bill Haleys recent London concert. And when the teds marched on the BBC this year to protest at the lack of their music on the airwaves, Lenny led the way at a pace that left his able-bodied comrades gasping for air.
He can still be found bopping with the best of them at the Castle and the Black Bull, displaying the propeller technique that has made him a legend straightening his legs in opposite directions and spinning around on the floor. When he gets going, there isnt another dancer who comes close quite literally!
It was a highly unusual combination of charity work and propellers that brought Lenny and his future bride together.
For some years, Lenny had been performing for charity at events with his old friend the Reverend John Robertson, better known as the Rocking Vicar who hit the headlines in the 1950s when he greased his hair and motorcycled around his Elephant and Castle parish.
Lenny raised money by sitting astride an upturned aeroplane propeller attached to an engine. Once strapped on, he would spin to the sound Danny & The Juniors while John Robertson, clad in his Heavens Angels jacket, collected money in his crash helmet.
It was during one such performance that disaster struck and Cupid stepped in. As Lenny spun around, Sue Perkins, who was taking part in the sponsored swing nearby, flew from her seat in mid-air and collided with the propeller, losing both her legs in the process.
In scenes reminiscent of Reach For The Sky, Lenny guided Sue through the dark months that followed, and helping her to walk again on prosthetic legs.
At Sues suggestion, a second propeller blade was added to the routine, and the pair went on to raise thousands of pounds for disabled children with their double act: Legless Lenny and Runaround Sue.
The wedding congregation included many of those who have benefited from the couples efforts, and the bridesmaids all came from the Roland Henry home for disabled children.
Ed Barrett’
Posted: 24th, February 2006 | In: All Our Yesterdays | Comment (1) | Follow the Comments on our RSS feed:RSS 2.0
‘HUNDREDS of listeners have complained to the BBC after a ‘live’ radio report for the People And Places programme went disastrously wrong. The report was billed as ”a candid investigation into the world of the homosexual”, and featured a visit by the Conservative MP Jonathan Marlowe to a private party in West London.
From the start it was apparent that drink had been taken in liberal quantities, and a debate about social attitudes soon turned into a frank discussion of personal habits.
One man told Mr Marlowe that he was not qualified to pass judgement on something that he had not himself experienced, and jokingly challenged him to ‘give it a go’.
This was a clear reference to the infamous occasion on which the MP smoked cannabis in a similar spirit of inquiry. ”Don’t knock it till you’ve tried it,” cried another voice, to general laughter.
To everyone’s surprise, Mr Marlowe agreed - at which point the BBC sound recordist could be heard to ask if he was serious. ”Yes, absolutely,” replied Marlowe. There then followed the first sexual act ever to be performed on air in the United Kingdom.
Marlowe provided a running commentary throughout, although at times he was clearly breathless and struggled to maintain his usual fluency.
”I am now being b******* vigorously by a dark-haired man of medium height,” he announced at one point. ”The experience is not wholly unpleasant.” Later he spoke of ”an enormous feeling of wellbeing”.
Although the programme was heard by a relatively small audience and is unlikely to be repeated, it has already achieved widespread notoriety. Mary Whitehouse, of the National Viewers’ and Listeners’ Association, declared herself ’sick and defiled’, and has ordered a tape and a full transcript from the corporation.
Mr Marlowe’s constituency party will meet later this week to discuss his future, and the matter has been referred to the Crown Prosecution Service, although it is unlikely to bring charges.
Marlowe told journalists yesterday that he had not set out to participate in any sexual activity, but insisted that he had no regrets.
When asked if he intended to continue with his investigations, he replied that he had no plans to do so, and admitted that he couldn’t explain his impulsive behaviour.
”I don’t know what came over me,” he said.’
Posted: 24th, January 2006 | In: All Our Yesterdays | Comment | Follow the Comments on our RSS feed:RSS 2.0
‘Christmas Crakers are in the shops already.
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The Caption |
Let us know what you think about this.’
Posted: 10th, October 2005 | In: All Our Yesterdays | Comment | Follow the Comments on our RSS feed:RSS 2.0
‘AN era has come to an end with the announcement by Marshall’s Amusements that it is to cease production of the legendary Six o’ The Best caning machine, known to generations of schoolboys as the ‘Tuppenny Sixer’.
The machine was first produced in 1922, and was a prominent feature of every seaside pier in the land. Like most great inventions, it was brilliantly simple.
A mechanical schoolteacher, clad in mortar board and gown, stood brandishing a cane. Behind him, a painted backdrop depicted a typical 1920s classroom. In front of him stood a real school desk.
Customers bent over the desk and inserted coins into a slot on the floor, whereupon the master delivered the advertised ’six o’ the best’.
The ‘Sixer’ was the brainchild of the company’s founder, Arthur Marshall, who had the idea when he saw a man chastising his young son on the beach at Margate.
‘My heart went out to the poor fellow,’ he recalled later. ‘Here’s this chap who has worked hard all year so he can take his family on a day trip to the seaside, and he has to waste his time punishing his son. I thought to myself, a machine could do that and save him a lot of trouble.’
The Six o’ The Best was an immediate success, but not in the way that Marshall expected. Rather than being used by parents as a simple disciplinary device, it soon became a source of popular entertainment. Punters queued to go on it, and crowds flocked to watch them.
Before long it was a full-blown phenomenon. Competitions were organised to see who could take the most punishment, with prizes and rosettes for the winners. Music hall comedians joked about it, cartoonists lampooned it, and there was even a song - ‘Give Us Another Whack, Jack!’ - penned in its honour.
Within a year of their introduction, the ‘Sixers’ were earning more than £500 a week each, at twopence a time. Even allowing for the cost of replacing broken canes, that meant a very healthy profit.
Marshall’s was generous in its readiness to lend the machines to fetes and charity events, where they raised large sums of money for good causes. During the War, effigies of Hitler were caned in aid of wounded servicemen.
But all good things must come to an end, and the ‘Sixpenny Sixer’ of 1961 cannot match the popularity of its ‘tuppenny’ forbear.
Its retirement comes as no surprise, and it is fitting that the announcement took place at a charity event to celebrate the administering of the 60,000,000th stroke of the famous cane.’
Posted: 20th, July 2005 | In: All Our Yesterdays | Comment | Follow the Comments on our RSS feed:RSS 2.0
‘AN era has come to an end with the announcement by Marshall’s Amusements that it is to cease production of the legendary Six o’ The Best caning machine, known to generations of schoolboys as the ‘Tuppenny Sixer’.
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| It is feared the art of caning is being lost in Britain’s schools |
The machine was first produced in 1922, and was a prominent feature of every seaside pier in the land. Like most great inventions, it was brilliantly simple.
A mechanical schoolteacher, clad in mortar board and gown, stood brandishing a cane. Behind him, a painted backdrop depicted a typical 1920s classroom. In front of him stood a real school desk.
Customers bent over the desk and inserted coins into a slot on the floor, whereupon the master delivered the advertised ’six o’ the best’.
The ‘Sixer’ was the brainchild of the company’s founder, Arthur Marshall, who had the idea when he saw a man chastising his young son on the beach at Margate.
‘My heart went out to the poor fellow,’ he recalled later. ‘Here’s this chap who has worked hard all year so he can take his family on a day trip to the seaside, and he has to waste his time punishing his son. I thought to myself, a machine could do that and save him a lot of trouble.’
The Six o’ The Best was an immediate success, but not in the way that Marshall expected. Rather than being used by parents as a simple disciplinary device, it soon became a source of popular entertainment. Punters queued to go on it, and crowds flocked to watch them.
Before long it was a full-blown phenomenon. Competitions were organised to see who could take the most punishment, with prizes and rosettes for the winners. Music hall comedians joked about it, cartoonists lampooned it, and there was even a song - ‘Give Us Another Whack, Jack!’ - penned in its honour.
Within a year of their introduction, the ‘Sixers’ were earning more than £500 a week each, at twopence a time. Even allowing for the cost of replacing broken canes, that meant a very healthy profit.
Marshall’s was generous in its readiness to lend the machines to fetes and charity events, where they raised large sums of money for good causes. During the War, effigies of Hitler were caned in aid of wounded servicemen.
But all good things must come to an end, and the ‘Sixpenny Sixer’ of 1961 cannot match the popularity of its ‘tuppenny’ forbear.
Its retirement comes as no surprise, and it is fitting that the announcement took place at a charity event to celebrate the administering of the 60,000,000th stroke of the famous cane.
(From Anorak November 15 1961)’
Posted: 15th, November 2004 | In: All Our Yesterdays | Comment | Follow the Comments on our RSS feed:RSS 2.0
‘August 31 1978POLICE arrested four protesters at the Madame Tussauds waxworks in London, following a disturbance in the Chamber of Horrors.
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| Hitler’s waxwork gets on their wick |
All four were supporters of the Anti-Nazi League, the organisation responsible for disrupting Buster Mottrams match at Wimbledon after the player expressed his support for the National Front.
Protesters stood up between points to shout ‘Buster Mottram is a Nazi!’ through megaphones, and contributed greatly to the British No.1’s early exit from the tournament.
Today the tactics were the same, but the target very different. This time they had Adolf Hitler himself in their sights or rather, his waxwork likeness.
A single protester with a megaphone stood by the effigy, intoning Adolf Hitler is a Nazi! over and over again until he was eventually removed by security guards.
Outside, an angry crowd shouted: Adolf, Adolf, Adolf Out! Out! Out!
The demonstrators were eventually dispersed by the police, but vowed that the protest would continue.
‘Adolf Hitler once said that the only thing that could have stopped his rise to power was the physical smashing of his National Socialist movement in its infancy,’ said Dave Rogers of the Anti-Nazi League.
‘We have a duty to future generations to make sure that he doesnt raise his ugly head again.’
[Compiled by Ed Barrett]‘
Posted: 1st, September 2003 | In: All Our Yesterdays | Comment | Follow the Comments on our RSS feed:RSS 2.0
Teachers See Red Over Blue Schoolbook
‘AN Essex schoolboy has declared war on progressive education in a pamphlet he believes will fire the imagination of young people everywhere. But his teachers are less enthusiastic, and he has upset some of them with his outspoken views.
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| ‘You might laugh now - but giving me a damn good thrashing will only make me stronger,’ says Richards |
Barry Richards, 16, is a pupil at the Wat Tyler comprehensive in Grays, and a leading member of the Essex Young Conservatives.
His book, The Little Blue Schoolbook, is a riposte to controversial Little Red Schoolbook, which was published in the UK earlier this year. But whereas the original enjoins pupils to organise strikes and demonstrations, Richards version extols the virtues of obedience, patriotism and polished shoes.
‘It is aimed at normal, decent young people who have no interest in pop music or demonstrations,’ he said, adding that he did not wish to be ‘brainwashed by left-wing teachers or commissars, as they should be called’.
This is not the first time that Richards has been in the news. Two years ago he attracted headlines when his school abolished its school uniform. Richards responded by creating his own, complete with cap, blazer, tie, shorts and socks.
A series of letters to national newspapers created wider interest, and led to the launch of his Stand Up for Standards campaign. He was particularly critical of teachers, accusing them of having no pride in their appearance and setting a poor example to pupils.
‘Its high time some of them had a bath and did a bit of business with Mr Wilkinson and his sword,’ he declared.
The shorts may have gone replaced by smart grey trousers but the attitude is unchanged. ‘Thisll get the Reds on the run,’ he told reporters, brandishing a copy of his manifesto outside the school gates. However, his fellow pupils appear to be unconvinced by his rhetoric.
Most regard him as a figure of fun rather than a potent new political force, and have declined his offer of a cut-price copy. There was little sign of animosity, though.
Two bearded protesters proffered a leaflet entitled The Truth About The Little Fascist Schoolbook, but there were few takers.
A spokesman for the NUT confirmed that there had been a disagreement between Richards and a female member of staff the previous day, although he said that there had been no suggestion of industrial action.
Compiled by Ed Barrett’
Posted: 26th, August 2003 | In: All Our Yesterdays | Comment | Follow the Comments on our RSS feed:RSS 2.0
Disaster Strikes Millennial Hardliners
‘Tragedy has struck an organisation dedicated to marking the millennium a year after the official date.
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| And in trice, Clive, Jill and Bev were consumed by fire |
The True Millennialists argued that the second millennium would begin on 1st January 2001, and boycotted the official celebrations 12 months earlier. This year, however, they marked the true millennium in style, with a flotilla of party boats on the Thames, and it was there that they suffered a cruel - and deeply ironic - twist of fate.
At midnight, December 31st 1999, a massive series of pyrotechnics had been planned as part of the public celebrations, climaxing in a waterborne display intended to turn the Thames into a ‘River of Fire’. On the night, the mechanism failed, and the event was a damp squib.
It now transpires that, while the so-called ‘millennium bug’ did not cause the apocalyptic chaos that had been widely predicted, one particular computer had a nasty surprise in store. The River of Fire control system triggered the display exactly 12 months late, igniting huge hidden tanks of petrol that had been forgotten in the hangover of the previous celebrations.
The resulting fireball occurred just as the True Millennialists approached, but instead of turning back, they pressed on into the flames, singing loudly and raising their arms to the sky. Witnesses from nearby boats said that the millennialists appeared to take the fire as a sign of imminent Armageddon, and willingly went to meet their maker. No spokesman for the organisation was available today, and its headquarters was deserted.
Compiled by Ed Barrett
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Posted: 18th, August 2003 | In: All Our Yesterdays | Comment | Follow the Comments on our RSS feed:RSS 2.0
